if only....

i could quieten the voices in my head or learn to support myself in the way I encourage a lot of my clients to support themselves...

see, in the last few weeks, I've been dealt some tough news on the business front; and the news itself has not been the issue really, but the manner in which i've been treated

so imagine you've been working for someone for a year, in two capacities, one the original reason they wanted you to work for them and two, due to client demand, in another capacity

let's just say that you enjoy both of these activities but if had to choose, would probably choose the second activity (namely coaching)

so imagine that some weeks ago in passing, a representative of the client tells me that things might change such that if you do one activity, you can't do another; and in the conversation mentions 'equity' but doesn't provide any detail (what I have surmised from this comment is that another coach has raised a concern about the unfair advantage I had in getting coaching clients - which I can absolutely understand, and would have been happy to have a conversation about)

imagine further that you email this person and her boss to ask that if this decision was proceeding, you'd love to have a conversation about it to understand why/rationale

so not only was this email ignored for more than 3 weeks, but then I was told, by phone, that with 6 days notice, I would only be doing one of the activities going forward - 'the partnership has made a decision' is all i was told

when i asked if there was any feedback in relation to the activity i would no longer be doing (which i know I have done a very good job of) i was told mostly good...

so i spent the best part of 2 weeks beating myself up, wondering what i had done wrong - in the words of one of my best friends 'so you've been punished for doing a good job?'

once I finally manage to come to a place of comfort with it all - the decision to be honest is fine and frees me up to pursue other opportunities (a bunch of which seem to be coming out of the woodwork)...but then I end up doing another workshop (for another client) at the venue where I did most of this other work (the work I will no longer be doing) and being honest, I felt pretty impacted walking in there, knowing that a whole bunch of people at that venue would know I was no longer doing the previous work...

so of course, 2 or 3 people ask me 'why?' aren't you doing that work anymore and given I don't really have any idea, which up until this particular day, I had managed to come up with a professional response, I was pretty honest and said 'i don't know'...

now one of these people in particular, works closely with the client and i'm sure this will get back to them and i'm absolutely terrified they'll also tell me i'm no longer coaching

of course, this isn't in their best interests at all, more importantly, it's not in the best interests of the end client, namely the people I coach, and in all honesty, they surely can't expect me not to be a little bit impacted or human given how they have handled this situation?

and sure, to them it's probably a clear business decision, and i'm fine (truly) with the outcome, but i feel after working hard on their behalf for over a year they have treated me very poorly and unprofessionally - add to that the program i was delivering on their behalf was all about leadership and communicating and managing change, i think they've done a very poor job :-(

couple of my friends have even asked why i continue to coach for them - and the real reason is that i LOVE that work and the clients I get to work with....

so today has been tough - i've been going over and over the comments i made last week to the person who may pass them on, and whilst i haven't said anything offensive or derogatory, i'm sure they will view the conversation as 'inappropriate' or one i shouldn't have had, and that may be true....but perhaps if they'd communicated with me in a different way, i would have been able to better answer the 'why' question when it emerged....

sigh!