'wonderful opportunity'

this is how my dear therapist describes the situation i am experiencing at the moment

really do have to love her optimism!

and of course, she is right...

so it seems for most of my adult life, and indeed, my career, I have been run by the younger me who desperately needs approval, to feel good enough and to be valued....

this of course, stems back to my childhood, where perfection was a must and mistakes were punished in a such an extreme way that my inner voice is often saying 'you're not good enough'...

and this is not the first time i've observed this; to be honest, it has been going on for so long that at times, I forget it's the voice of my younger self and not the 49 year old successful and lovely person that i've become...

but still, she drives me

she takes over sometimes; no more obviously than when i said yes to the older female client who begged me to help her with something...sound familiar!

so the younger me, the people pleaser, the one looking for approval, said yes, before i even really took a moment to think about whether or not i wanted to...

and what has resulted has mostly been 6-7 weeks of hell...feeling at their beck and call (admittedly this is how consulting works, but perhaps there's a lesson in that alone...?), putting up with rude behaviour from the client (not the woman, but her appointed CEO), and now, to top it off, they are 16 days late paying my invoice and i'm tying myself in knots working out how to get it paid...

so yes, Sal is right; this is indeed, a wonderful opportunity for me to learn...

so i will...

but in doing so, i need to listen to that younger me, listen to her yes, let her drive me, no!

learning learning learning!

someone seriously overstepped a boundary

and whilst i wasn't happy to articulate that on friday night, i did on sunday

and i feel good that i did

frankly, you're out of line (i said)

i'm not sure what sort of person you must think i am that what you did is ok (i said)

i got an apology, i got a 'i've broken your trust and want to rebuild it' but honestly, as the days have gone on, i'm not sure he is someone i want in my life

it's been on my mind, as well as the new male colleague i have to work with - and i say have to as my client has told me they are pairing me with this person - thing i'm most pissed off about is not really having any say or being consulted, and sure, i'm a subcontractor, but when i facilitate workshops on their behalf about change and communication and leadership, the least i expect from them is to demonstrate a modicum of these behaviours when they are making large changes...

anyway, i think i may have taken this out on this bloke - not his fault - and sure, i do think he stands too close when he talks (I'm sure i can find a grown up way to address this) but really, i'd like my 49 year old to handle this with grace and boundaries, and not the 13 year old....

so tomorrow is my first chance to try that out...and i'm determined to not take out my frustration with the client on him...

and really, i just need to move on! i've had my tantrum, i've sulked for a few weeks, now i need to make a choice

walk away and give up work i love or accept the changes (despite how badly they've been implemented) and be open to how it might be

especially since when i first facilitated with another colleague (who i now really like) i was really nervous and didn't think i'd like working with her...

and there we have it - another lesson!

gotta love life....

i've really struggled with all the changes in the last few months

perhaps i'll see tomorrow as a chance to start again....

anyway, re the guy who overstepped the boundary; consensus from 2 dear friends and my therapist - no go!

i'm not yet decided but i'm pretty sure there is no value in having a male friend who's agenda may be one other than a platonic friendship....

will be a shame, but perhaps it will open the door for someone else....

:-)