it's hard to beat old patterns of thinking...

and since about midday Friday I've been doing my best to do that...

so after a fabulous week of facilitation where I got many many compliments and a number of new coachees, on Friday I was advised that 'i'd upset' one of the staff at the new facilitation venue...

no other details other than that were forthcoming...

initially i thought it would mean the end of the contract with this particular 'client' but since I got an email Friday afternoon asking me to commit to 26 more dates, that seems unlikely...

so why has this been difficult?

well firstly, i ALWAYS assume that I'm in the wrong...and in this case, i have no details yet, so even if I wanted to give my side of the story, i couldn't (this is not unfamiliar in my career - i often feel as though i don't or can't have a voice - stems back to my childhood so at the tender age of 49, this is a well worn path...)

secondly, the woman who gave me the feedback is the one who indelicately chose to tell me they almost didn't hire me back in Nov/Dec when I was expressing gratitude for the work...admittedly, i think her intention was to say 'we nearly didn't hire you, wouldn't that have been a shame' (a number of my friends this she was just clumsy in what she was saying, since she could give me nothing other than general feeling type feedback (namely useless) and said that nothing had prompted her to mention it on that particular day....

what also came up in the conversation on friday was the woman at the other venue who initially i had an issue with - because she was rude to me! then i was told i needed to be held to a higher standard - really? i'm so fucking sick of hearing that in my career...why should i be held to a higher standard than anyone else? really? shouldn't we all be held to the same standard? and sure, i don't know what i did to 'upset' this person - obviously, i'm sorry they were upset with my behaviour - obviously i have beaten myself up for days and will work hard to make amends - obviously i'm annoyed they had to discuss it at a meeting without bringing it to my attention first....and for the record the woman at the other venue is being performance managed for her surly behaviour and poor customer service attitude, but i need to be held to a higher standard...seriously

she told me that at a meeting of a number of people they'd mentioned i'd upset someone - wouldn't you think the person could privately mention it to me, like most adults would - no, feels to me like i've been dobbed in and now more people than probably need to know about it, know about it...i feel ashamed and embarrassed for something i'm supposed to have done but as yet, have no details about

so then i started working out how much other work i'd need to get if i lost this contract - which it seems unlikely will be the outcome....but the fear has been palpable this weekend

have to say i'm proud of myself that everything i had scheduled, i have done - the Sarah of old wouldn't have done this...i would have holed up and gone nowhere, instead wallowing...

a couple of weeks ago this particular client did a bunch of stuff that didn't make my interstate trip easy; but i just sucked it up

and maybe i shouldn't just suck stuff up - seems others don't so why do i?

anyway, i'm annoyed, i'm embarrassed, i hate that more people than really need to know about this know about it....

oh well, at least i'm proud of how i handled the feedback and my email to the woman....

what i'm sad about is that someone felt it necessary to go behind my back to my bosses (as it were, although technically they are not) rather than simply have a conversation with me....

c'est la vie!

at least i'm loving the French Film Festival - five movies in, five to go :-)