i could quieten the voices in my head or learn to support myself in the way I encourage a lot of my clients to support themselves...
see, in the last few weeks, I've been dealt some tough news on the business front; and the news itself has not been the issue really, but the manner in which i've been treated
so imagine you've been working for someone for a year, in two capacities, one the original reason they wanted you to work for them and two, due to client demand, in another capacity
let's just say that you enjoy both of these activities but if had to choose, would probably choose the second activity (namely coaching)
so imagine that some weeks ago in passing, a representative of the client tells me that things might change such that if you do one activity, you can't do another; and in the conversation mentions 'equity' but doesn't provide any detail (what I have surmised from this comment is that another coach has raised a concern about the unfair advantage I had in getting coaching clients - which I can absolutely understand, and would have been happy to have a conversation about)
imagine further that you email this person and her boss to ask that if this decision was proceeding, you'd love to have a conversation about it to understand why/rationale
so not only was this email ignored for more than 3 weeks, but then I was told, by phone, that with 6 days notice, I would only be doing one of the activities going forward - 'the partnership has made a decision' is all i was told
when i asked if there was any feedback in relation to the activity i would no longer be doing (which i know I have done a very good job of) i was told mostly good...
so i spent the best part of 2 weeks beating myself up, wondering what i had done wrong - in the words of one of my best friends 'so you've been punished for doing a good job?'
once I finally manage to come to a place of comfort with it all - the decision to be honest is fine and frees me up to pursue other opportunities (a bunch of which seem to be coming out of the woodwork)...but then I end up doing another workshop (for another client) at the venue where I did most of this other work (the work I will no longer be doing) and being honest, I felt pretty impacted walking in there, knowing that a whole bunch of people at that venue would know I was no longer doing the previous work...
so of course, 2 or 3 people ask me 'why?' aren't you doing that work anymore and given I don't really have any idea, which up until this particular day, I had managed to come up with a professional response, I was pretty honest and said 'i don't know'...
now one of these people in particular, works closely with the client and i'm sure this will get back to them and i'm absolutely terrified they'll also tell me i'm no longer coaching
of course, this isn't in their best interests at all, more importantly, it's not in the best interests of the end client, namely the people I coach, and in all honesty, they surely can't expect me not to be a little bit impacted or human given how they have handled this situation?
and sure, to them it's probably a clear business decision, and i'm fine (truly) with the outcome, but i feel after working hard on their behalf for over a year they have treated me very poorly and unprofessionally - add to that the program i was delivering on their behalf was all about leadership and communicating and managing change, i think they've done a very poor job :-(
couple of my friends have even asked why i continue to coach for them - and the real reason is that i LOVE that work and the clients I get to work with....
so today has been tough - i've been going over and over the comments i made last week to the person who may pass them on, and whilst i haven't said anything offensive or derogatory, i'm sure they will view the conversation as 'inappropriate' or one i shouldn't have had, and that may be true....but perhaps if they'd communicated with me in a different way, i would have been able to better answer the 'why' question when it emerged....
sigh!
Monday, October 15, 2018
Friday, September 14, 2018
double edged sword....
so i have this client; actually, i see them as a client, but i'm a sub-contractor - maybe that is part of what bugs me! i treat them like a client, and they treat me, life a sub-contractor....
expectation gap is the term that keeps coming to mind, but it seems that unless i find a way to shield myself from how i feel in some of their communications (to the point, often with no reason or rationale behind their decisions, some of which impact me), then i may need to consider whether i want to remain in this 'relationship'...
reason the title of this post is double edged sword is because the work i get to do is fabulous and i not only really enjoy it, i think i'm doing incredible work - the work i'm here to do - you know, the work that i think i'm on the planet to do - helping others.
i had a great session with Sal about this very issue the other day and whilst she agrees they are clunky and unconsidered in their communications (ironically, one of the very things i teach to their client when i'm working for them!), this really has nothing to do with me...
and sure, don't we all wish that everyone we worked with thought about the impact on us before they shared stuff (or in this case, blurted out) with us, the reality is, that's a massive big disappointment waiting to happen...
add to that the fact that after the said blurt of one of them, i raised it in an email to that person and the boss, not even a response - and it's been a week and a half...
so what it leaves me feeling is unvalued - and honestly, i wonder if they care? as long as i'm out there doing great work to earn them a good reputation i think they don't care...
but they should, right?
anyway, i'm impacted by their behaviour and i'm trying to not let it bother me....
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
it's a non issue for me...
but someone else raised it with me....
so the partner of my major client calls me today; this is rare, so I did wonder what must be up for her to call me
she starts by saying "i meant to chat to you about this last week at dinner but there wasn't an opportunity" and "it's a non issue for me but DH raised it and I didn't want you to be blindsided if he mentions it to you"
that's actually really nice that she thought of that - went onto tell me that in the past if this had happened to her she would have gone into amygdala hijack so wanted to give me the heads up - again, this is good
so basically, the client is looking for a new venue for one of their programs; the current venue, who have made it clear to me they are devastated to be losing the work, told me they'd love to continue to support the program and would be open to discussing a price cut
all i did was pass this on to the client, and he's told my major client that this is somehow a breach of guidelines!
what absolute bullshit...all i've done is pass on a message, which I'd already relayed to her (my major client)...
as she and i discussed, we think he's being overly sensitive and there's something going on in the background that is driving his reaction - and it is a reaction!
she describes him as being very transparent and she reckons that's come back to bite him in the bum a few times; and now, he's carrying on like a pork chop because of an email I sent him whose only intention was to share with him what i'd been told...
people man!
you think that you work through an issue, and you do, and then another one comes up
for me, this is about really (and I mean really) examining my reaction (and that younger self who assumes she is in the wrong) to these sorts of situations...
but of course, the old me, the one that I fear had been suffering with anxiety in the last few months (although that has lifted) has already gone to that place of 'oh well, if they fire you....'
really! i'm going to let the paranoia of the clients client, with no basis in fact, and probably of his own doing, let me worry about whether or not my client is going to terminate my services...
yep, no wonder i sometimes feel anxious....
really gotta learn to be on my own side more...
that said, if I do see him and he does bring it up, i'll say 'thanks for letting me know, my intention was only to pass on what i thought was relevant information to you, and i'm sorry'
but really, what am I sorry for? I'm always coaching people and trying to get them to examine what they are sorry about?
what am i sorry about?
sorry that i tried to share with him what i thought was useful info...nope!
sorry that he has misunderstood my intention in sharing....nope!
so maybe it won't be a sorry, it'll be an 'i was just passing on information that i thought you'd find helpful'....
anyway, trick will be to try and not let it eat away at me....
so the partner of my major client calls me today; this is rare, so I did wonder what must be up for her to call me
she starts by saying "i meant to chat to you about this last week at dinner but there wasn't an opportunity" and "it's a non issue for me but DH raised it and I didn't want you to be blindsided if he mentions it to you"
that's actually really nice that she thought of that - went onto tell me that in the past if this had happened to her she would have gone into amygdala hijack so wanted to give me the heads up - again, this is good
so basically, the client is looking for a new venue for one of their programs; the current venue, who have made it clear to me they are devastated to be losing the work, told me they'd love to continue to support the program and would be open to discussing a price cut
all i did was pass this on to the client, and he's told my major client that this is somehow a breach of guidelines!
what absolute bullshit...all i've done is pass on a message, which I'd already relayed to her (my major client)...
as she and i discussed, we think he's being overly sensitive and there's something going on in the background that is driving his reaction - and it is a reaction!
she describes him as being very transparent and she reckons that's come back to bite him in the bum a few times; and now, he's carrying on like a pork chop because of an email I sent him whose only intention was to share with him what i'd been told...
people man!
you think that you work through an issue, and you do, and then another one comes up
for me, this is about really (and I mean really) examining my reaction (and that younger self who assumes she is in the wrong) to these sorts of situations...
but of course, the old me, the one that I fear had been suffering with anxiety in the last few months (although that has lifted) has already gone to that place of 'oh well, if they fire you....'
really! i'm going to let the paranoia of the clients client, with no basis in fact, and probably of his own doing, let me worry about whether or not my client is going to terminate my services...
yep, no wonder i sometimes feel anxious....
really gotta learn to be on my own side more...
that said, if I do see him and he does bring it up, i'll say 'thanks for letting me know, my intention was only to pass on what i thought was relevant information to you, and i'm sorry'
but really, what am I sorry for? I'm always coaching people and trying to get them to examine what they are sorry about?
what am i sorry about?
sorry that i tried to share with him what i thought was useful info...nope!
sorry that he has misunderstood my intention in sharing....nope!
so maybe it won't be a sorry, it'll be an 'i was just passing on information that i thought you'd find helpful'....
anyway, trick will be to try and not let it eat away at me....
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
'wonderful opportunity'
this is how my dear therapist describes the situation i am experiencing at the moment
really do have to love her optimism!
and of course, she is right...
so it seems for most of my adult life, and indeed, my career, I have been run by the younger me who desperately needs approval, to feel good enough and to be valued....
this of course, stems back to my childhood, where perfection was a must and mistakes were punished in a such an extreme way that my inner voice is often saying 'you're not good enough'...
and this is not the first time i've observed this; to be honest, it has been going on for so long that at times, I forget it's the voice of my younger self and not the 49 year old successful and lovely person that i've become...
but still, she drives me
she takes over sometimes; no more obviously than when i said yes to the older female client who begged me to help her with something...sound familiar!
so the younger me, the people pleaser, the one looking for approval, said yes, before i even really took a moment to think about whether or not i wanted to...
and what has resulted has mostly been 6-7 weeks of hell...feeling at their beck and call (admittedly this is how consulting works, but perhaps there's a lesson in that alone...?), putting up with rude behaviour from the client (not the woman, but her appointed CEO), and now, to top it off, they are 16 days late paying my invoice and i'm tying myself in knots working out how to get it paid...
so yes, Sal is right; this is indeed, a wonderful opportunity for me to learn...
so i will...
but in doing so, i need to listen to that younger me, listen to her yes, let her drive me, no!
learning learning learning!
really do have to love her optimism!
and of course, she is right...
so it seems for most of my adult life, and indeed, my career, I have been run by the younger me who desperately needs approval, to feel good enough and to be valued....
this of course, stems back to my childhood, where perfection was a must and mistakes were punished in a such an extreme way that my inner voice is often saying 'you're not good enough'...
and this is not the first time i've observed this; to be honest, it has been going on for so long that at times, I forget it's the voice of my younger self and not the 49 year old successful and lovely person that i've become...
but still, she drives me
she takes over sometimes; no more obviously than when i said yes to the older female client who begged me to help her with something...sound familiar!
so the younger me, the people pleaser, the one looking for approval, said yes, before i even really took a moment to think about whether or not i wanted to...
and what has resulted has mostly been 6-7 weeks of hell...feeling at their beck and call (admittedly this is how consulting works, but perhaps there's a lesson in that alone...?), putting up with rude behaviour from the client (not the woman, but her appointed CEO), and now, to top it off, they are 16 days late paying my invoice and i'm tying myself in knots working out how to get it paid...
so yes, Sal is right; this is indeed, a wonderful opportunity for me to learn...
so i will...
but in doing so, i need to listen to that younger me, listen to her yes, let her drive me, no!
learning learning learning!
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
someone seriously overstepped a boundary
and whilst i wasn't happy to articulate that on friday night, i did on sunday
and i feel good that i did
frankly, you're out of line (i said)
i'm not sure what sort of person you must think i am that what you did is ok (i said)
i got an apology, i got a 'i've broken your trust and want to rebuild it' but honestly, as the days have gone on, i'm not sure he is someone i want in my life
it's been on my mind, as well as the new male colleague i have to work with - and i say have to as my client has told me they are pairing me with this person - thing i'm most pissed off about is not really having any say or being consulted, and sure, i'm a subcontractor, but when i facilitate workshops on their behalf about change and communication and leadership, the least i expect from them is to demonstrate a modicum of these behaviours when they are making large changes...
anyway, i think i may have taken this out on this bloke - not his fault - and sure, i do think he stands too close when he talks (I'm sure i can find a grown up way to address this) but really, i'd like my 49 year old to handle this with grace and boundaries, and not the 13 year old....
so tomorrow is my first chance to try that out...and i'm determined to not take out my frustration with the client on him...
and really, i just need to move on! i've had my tantrum, i've sulked for a few weeks, now i need to make a choice
walk away and give up work i love or accept the changes (despite how badly they've been implemented) and be open to how it might be
especially since when i first facilitated with another colleague (who i now really like) i was really nervous and didn't think i'd like working with her...
and there we have it - another lesson!
gotta love life....
i've really struggled with all the changes in the last few months
perhaps i'll see tomorrow as a chance to start again....
anyway, re the guy who overstepped the boundary; consensus from 2 dear friends and my therapist - no go!
i'm not yet decided but i'm pretty sure there is no value in having a male friend who's agenda may be one other than a platonic friendship....
will be a shame, but perhaps it will open the door for someone else....
:-)
and i feel good that i did
frankly, you're out of line (i said)
i'm not sure what sort of person you must think i am that what you did is ok (i said)
i got an apology, i got a 'i've broken your trust and want to rebuild it' but honestly, as the days have gone on, i'm not sure he is someone i want in my life
it's been on my mind, as well as the new male colleague i have to work with - and i say have to as my client has told me they are pairing me with this person - thing i'm most pissed off about is not really having any say or being consulted, and sure, i'm a subcontractor, but when i facilitate workshops on their behalf about change and communication and leadership, the least i expect from them is to demonstrate a modicum of these behaviours when they are making large changes...
anyway, i think i may have taken this out on this bloke - not his fault - and sure, i do think he stands too close when he talks (I'm sure i can find a grown up way to address this) but really, i'd like my 49 year old to handle this with grace and boundaries, and not the 13 year old....
so tomorrow is my first chance to try that out...and i'm determined to not take out my frustration with the client on him...
and really, i just need to move on! i've had my tantrum, i've sulked for a few weeks, now i need to make a choice
walk away and give up work i love or accept the changes (despite how badly they've been implemented) and be open to how it might be
especially since when i first facilitated with another colleague (who i now really like) i was really nervous and didn't think i'd like working with her...
and there we have it - another lesson!
gotta love life....
i've really struggled with all the changes in the last few months
perhaps i'll see tomorrow as a chance to start again....
anyway, re the guy who overstepped the boundary; consensus from 2 dear friends and my therapist - no go!
i'm not yet decided but i'm pretty sure there is no value in having a male friend who's agenda may be one other than a platonic friendship....
will be a shame, but perhaps it will open the door for someone else....
:-)
Sunday, April 29, 2018
our work is never done...
and by that i am not referring to 'a woman's work is never done'...
nope, i'm talking about the work that is our quest to understand ourselves and to become the person we want to be
the integrated person
the one who's shadow is out in the open
the one who's shadow doesn't subconsciously, or worse, unconsciously, drive how we behave...
and inadvertently, over the last few days i've been presented with a test...
so on friday, i visited a male friends house for the first time
some background
my dad introduced me to his boss - his boss recommended i meet this guy (he's responsible for leadership stuff in the organisation he works in) - i met the guy once or twice at his office - we had lots in common - found we have great conversations - we started having lunch or coffee and have been doing that for the best part of 18 months...
he's a nice guy - i love talking to him - we have real conversations - conversations of depth and meaning - he's in a relationship - his 2nd big one - he has kids from a former marriage (in their 20's) and a 5-7 year old with the current partner (i don't know if they are married)
in the course of our discussions it's emerged that he cheated on wife number 1
in our first non office meeting he asked me if i was seeing anyone - i assumed he was just trying to get to know me better
so on friday, some 5.5 hours after he had asked me if a mutual friend was 'dodgy' (by which he meant, does he cheat on his wife) he sends me the following text:
'thanks for coming by. always a pleasure to talk - and once again the time just goes too quickly. i think that it's time to add that if ever you feel that something more between us might be a good thing, i'm happy to explore that conversation............................'
WTF?
it took me hours to think about how to respond, and the more i thought about it over the weekend, the more incensed i became
my bff from Sydney was here - we talked about it
my bff from high school came round for tea today - we talked about it
and actually, i'm now a bit angry - the old me would have been 'flattered' but actually how is it flattering that someone in a relationship thinks that i would view this 'offer' as positive?
and sure, i have had affairs before
a LONG time ago
in a time when i didn't believe i was worthy of an actual relationship
but i am no longer than girl
so as the time has worn on since his text, and my response (which I wish was slightly different) i am angry
angry that he thinks i would be interested in the sort of thing he has in mind - and true, i'm not entirely sure what i think he does have in mind, but in any event, he has a partner - did i mention that?
anyway, point is really that whilst our work is never done, in this regard, i think mine is
best part about that is that i can work on the stuff that remains 'un-done'...ha ha!
ciao for now
S
x
nope, i'm talking about the work that is our quest to understand ourselves and to become the person we want to be
the integrated person
the one who's shadow is out in the open
the one who's shadow doesn't subconsciously, or worse, unconsciously, drive how we behave...
and inadvertently, over the last few days i've been presented with a test...
so on friday, i visited a male friends house for the first time
some background
my dad introduced me to his boss - his boss recommended i meet this guy (he's responsible for leadership stuff in the organisation he works in) - i met the guy once or twice at his office - we had lots in common - found we have great conversations - we started having lunch or coffee and have been doing that for the best part of 18 months...
he's a nice guy - i love talking to him - we have real conversations - conversations of depth and meaning - he's in a relationship - his 2nd big one - he has kids from a former marriage (in their 20's) and a 5-7 year old with the current partner (i don't know if they are married)
in the course of our discussions it's emerged that he cheated on wife number 1
in our first non office meeting he asked me if i was seeing anyone - i assumed he was just trying to get to know me better
so on friday, some 5.5 hours after he had asked me if a mutual friend was 'dodgy' (by which he meant, does he cheat on his wife) he sends me the following text:
'thanks for coming by. always a pleasure to talk - and once again the time just goes too quickly. i think that it's time to add that if ever you feel that something more between us might be a good thing, i'm happy to explore that conversation............................'
WTF?
it took me hours to think about how to respond, and the more i thought about it over the weekend, the more incensed i became
my bff from Sydney was here - we talked about it
my bff from high school came round for tea today - we talked about it
and actually, i'm now a bit angry - the old me would have been 'flattered' but actually how is it flattering that someone in a relationship thinks that i would view this 'offer' as positive?
and sure, i have had affairs before
a LONG time ago
in a time when i didn't believe i was worthy of an actual relationship
but i am no longer than girl
so as the time has worn on since his text, and my response (which I wish was slightly different) i am angry
angry that he thinks i would be interested in the sort of thing he has in mind - and true, i'm not entirely sure what i think he does have in mind, but in any event, he has a partner - did i mention that?
anyway, point is really that whilst our work is never done, in this regard, i think mine is
best part about that is that i can work on the stuff that remains 'un-done'...ha ha!
ciao for now
S
x
baggy green part II....
so, it's been a few weeks now, in fact, nearly six, and i'm no longer reeling...
i'm disappointed
i'm sad
i've lost all interest in cricket
and based on what came out in the media, i knew Steve Smith was not directly involved
he's taken his role as captain very seriously and for him, it's the biggest sacrifice...
i hope he's doings something meaningful with him time off
i hope he will come back stronger, better
until he returns, i'll have little interest in cricket, and not because i think the sanctions are too harsh (I do), but because i want him to know he has my support
i will not think less of him for taking responsibility
i'm disappointed
i'm sad
i've lost all interest in cricket
and based on what came out in the media, i knew Steve Smith was not directly involved
he's taken his role as captain very seriously and for him, it's the biggest sacrifice...
i hope he's doings something meaningful with him time off
i hope he will come back stronger, better
until he returns, i'll have little interest in cricket, and not because i think the sanctions are too harsh (I do), but because i want him to know he has my support
i will not think less of him for taking responsibility
Sunday, March 25, 2018
does wearing the baggy green mean nothing?
as i write this i'm struggling to comprehend just what happened in Cape Town overnight...
how does a professional sportsman, or sportsmen if we are to believe what's been said, someone who has the honour of playing for our country, someone who has had the honour of being given a baggy green, think it's ok to tamper with the ball?
it's is simply incomprehensible to me that in that position, doing something you love, representing our fair land and being a role model to millions of people, some of them kids, you would risk it by doing something not only illegal in the game but immoral....
i'm beyond sad...
i can't remember a time in my life when i wasn't just a little bit obsessed with cricket...and in the entirety of me being an Australian cricket supporter, I have never witnessed such an incident...
obviously this is an entirely different sadness to that Thursday in November 2014 when Phil Hughes passed away having been hit by a bouncer...that sadness stays with me, a life taken too soon, a family who's son/brother is no longer with them....
this is different; on that day, nobody was to blame, it was a tragic accident and one that changed cricket forever, not just in Australia...the outpouring of grief from cricket lovers around the globe was like nothing i'd ever seen before and I too found myself in a real funk for many months...
but this is entirely different; this situation has resulted from at least one person making a very poor decision
part of me wants to wake up from the nightmare; but i now know that won't happen...it's going to get worse before it gets better
it's possible a captain i have really liked will lose his job
it's possible one of Australia's best players will now only be remembered for this...a lapse of judgement
i admire James Sutherland's media release about the need to get the facts and conduct a process...i am all about natural justice and getting to the bottom of what's going on...
maybe it's super important to me because at times in my career, i have not felt like i was afforded natural justice...so i feel very strongly about it
then we have to balance that with the fact that Steve Smith truly has the best and most prized job in Australia; and in doing what he's done (if he was really involved like he says he was) he's potentially cut short an incredible career and in doing so, brought our national team and country into disrepute....
i'm sad....i remember when Lance Armstrong eventually confessed to taking drugs and was stripped of his Tour de France wins, I was glad my grandfather was not alive to see that...and whilst he was not an Aussie cricket fan, he was a fan, he was a fan of cricket in times gone by when it was a gentleman's game...
to be honest, it hasn't really seemed like a gentleman's game for some time...and what's unfolded overnight has just further cemented that...
sometimes, the good old days really are the good old days....
sad and angry cricket fan :-(
how does a professional sportsman, or sportsmen if we are to believe what's been said, someone who has the honour of playing for our country, someone who has had the honour of being given a baggy green, think it's ok to tamper with the ball?
it's is simply incomprehensible to me that in that position, doing something you love, representing our fair land and being a role model to millions of people, some of them kids, you would risk it by doing something not only illegal in the game but immoral....
i'm beyond sad...
i can't remember a time in my life when i wasn't just a little bit obsessed with cricket...and in the entirety of me being an Australian cricket supporter, I have never witnessed such an incident...
obviously this is an entirely different sadness to that Thursday in November 2014 when Phil Hughes passed away having been hit by a bouncer...that sadness stays with me, a life taken too soon, a family who's son/brother is no longer with them....
this is different; on that day, nobody was to blame, it was a tragic accident and one that changed cricket forever, not just in Australia...the outpouring of grief from cricket lovers around the globe was like nothing i'd ever seen before and I too found myself in a real funk for many months...
but this is entirely different; this situation has resulted from at least one person making a very poor decision
part of me wants to wake up from the nightmare; but i now know that won't happen...it's going to get worse before it gets better
it's possible a captain i have really liked will lose his job
it's possible one of Australia's best players will now only be remembered for this...a lapse of judgement
i admire James Sutherland's media release about the need to get the facts and conduct a process...i am all about natural justice and getting to the bottom of what's going on...
maybe it's super important to me because at times in my career, i have not felt like i was afforded natural justice...so i feel very strongly about it
then we have to balance that with the fact that Steve Smith truly has the best and most prized job in Australia; and in doing what he's done (if he was really involved like he says he was) he's potentially cut short an incredible career and in doing so, brought our national team and country into disrepute....
i'm sad....i remember when Lance Armstrong eventually confessed to taking drugs and was stripped of his Tour de France wins, I was glad my grandfather was not alive to see that...and whilst he was not an Aussie cricket fan, he was a fan, he was a fan of cricket in times gone by when it was a gentleman's game...
to be honest, it hasn't really seemed like a gentleman's game for some time...and what's unfolded overnight has just further cemented that...
sometimes, the good old days really are the good old days....
sad and angry cricket fan :-(
Sunday, March 11, 2018
it's hard to beat old patterns of thinking...
and since about midday Friday I've been doing my best to do that...
so after a fabulous week of facilitation where I got many many compliments and a number of new coachees, on Friday I was advised that 'i'd upset' one of the staff at the new facilitation venue...
no other details other than that were forthcoming...
initially i thought it would mean the end of the contract with this particular 'client' but since I got an email Friday afternoon asking me to commit to 26 more dates, that seems unlikely...
so why has this been difficult?
well firstly, i ALWAYS assume that I'm in the wrong...and in this case, i have no details yet, so even if I wanted to give my side of the story, i couldn't (this is not unfamiliar in my career - i often feel as though i don't or can't have a voice - stems back to my childhood so at the tender age of 49, this is a well worn path...)
secondly, the woman who gave me the feedback is the one who indelicately chose to tell me they almost didn't hire me back in Nov/Dec when I was expressing gratitude for the work...admittedly, i think her intention was to say 'we nearly didn't hire you, wouldn't that have been a shame' (a number of my friends this she was just clumsy in what she was saying, since she could give me nothing other than general feeling type feedback (namely useless) and said that nothing had prompted her to mention it on that particular day....
what also came up in the conversation on friday was the woman at the other venue who initially i had an issue with - because she was rude to me! then i was told i needed to be held to a higher standard - really? i'm so fucking sick of hearing that in my career...why should i be held to a higher standard than anyone else? really? shouldn't we all be held to the same standard? and sure, i don't know what i did to 'upset' this person - obviously, i'm sorry they were upset with my behaviour - obviously i have beaten myself up for days and will work hard to make amends - obviously i'm annoyed they had to discuss it at a meeting without bringing it to my attention first....and for the record the woman at the other venue is being performance managed for her surly behaviour and poor customer service attitude, but i need to be held to a higher standard...seriously
she told me that at a meeting of a number of people they'd mentioned i'd upset someone - wouldn't you think the person could privately mention it to me, like most adults would - no, feels to me like i've been dobbed in and now more people than probably need to know about it, know about it...i feel ashamed and embarrassed for something i'm supposed to have done but as yet, have no details about
so then i started working out how much other work i'd need to get if i lost this contract - which it seems unlikely will be the outcome....but the fear has been palpable this weekend
have to say i'm proud of myself that everything i had scheduled, i have done - the Sarah of old wouldn't have done this...i would have holed up and gone nowhere, instead wallowing...
a couple of weeks ago this particular client did a bunch of stuff that didn't make my interstate trip easy; but i just sucked it up
and maybe i shouldn't just suck stuff up - seems others don't so why do i?
anyway, i'm annoyed, i'm embarrassed, i hate that more people than really need to know about this know about it....
oh well, at least i'm proud of how i handled the feedback and my email to the woman....
what i'm sad about is that someone felt it necessary to go behind my back to my bosses (as it were, although technically they are not) rather than simply have a conversation with me....
c'est la vie!
at least i'm loving the French Film Festival - five movies in, five to go :-)
so after a fabulous week of facilitation where I got many many compliments and a number of new coachees, on Friday I was advised that 'i'd upset' one of the staff at the new facilitation venue...
no other details other than that were forthcoming...
initially i thought it would mean the end of the contract with this particular 'client' but since I got an email Friday afternoon asking me to commit to 26 more dates, that seems unlikely...
so why has this been difficult?
well firstly, i ALWAYS assume that I'm in the wrong...and in this case, i have no details yet, so even if I wanted to give my side of the story, i couldn't (this is not unfamiliar in my career - i often feel as though i don't or can't have a voice - stems back to my childhood so at the tender age of 49, this is a well worn path...)
secondly, the woman who gave me the feedback is the one who indelicately chose to tell me they almost didn't hire me back in Nov/Dec when I was expressing gratitude for the work...admittedly, i think her intention was to say 'we nearly didn't hire you, wouldn't that have been a shame' (a number of my friends this she was just clumsy in what she was saying, since she could give me nothing other than general feeling type feedback (namely useless) and said that nothing had prompted her to mention it on that particular day....
what also came up in the conversation on friday was the woman at the other venue who initially i had an issue with - because she was rude to me! then i was told i needed to be held to a higher standard - really? i'm so fucking sick of hearing that in my career...why should i be held to a higher standard than anyone else? really? shouldn't we all be held to the same standard? and sure, i don't know what i did to 'upset' this person - obviously, i'm sorry they were upset with my behaviour - obviously i have beaten myself up for days and will work hard to make amends - obviously i'm annoyed they had to discuss it at a meeting without bringing it to my attention first....and for the record the woman at the other venue is being performance managed for her surly behaviour and poor customer service attitude, but i need to be held to a higher standard...seriously
she told me that at a meeting of a number of people they'd mentioned i'd upset someone - wouldn't you think the person could privately mention it to me, like most adults would - no, feels to me like i've been dobbed in and now more people than probably need to know about it, know about it...i feel ashamed and embarrassed for something i'm supposed to have done but as yet, have no details about
so then i started working out how much other work i'd need to get if i lost this contract - which it seems unlikely will be the outcome....but the fear has been palpable this weekend
have to say i'm proud of myself that everything i had scheduled, i have done - the Sarah of old wouldn't have done this...i would have holed up and gone nowhere, instead wallowing...
a couple of weeks ago this particular client did a bunch of stuff that didn't make my interstate trip easy; but i just sucked it up
and maybe i shouldn't just suck stuff up - seems others don't so why do i?
anyway, i'm annoyed, i'm embarrassed, i hate that more people than really need to know about this know about it....
oh well, at least i'm proud of how i handled the feedback and my email to the woman....
what i'm sad about is that someone felt it necessary to go behind my back to my bosses (as it were, although technically they are not) rather than simply have a conversation with me....
c'est la vie!
at least i'm loving the French Film Festival - five movies in, five to go :-)
Monday, February 26, 2018
2017; it's almost a wrap
firstly, i can't believe i'm writing this in february! the months just seem to have gotten away from me...lucky i made some notes in december when i started thinking about the year that was 2017...
mostly, it was a good year! discovered and started yoga, visited my dear friends Wendy and Kim, managed to earn a little under half my corporate salary in my first year (10.5 months really) of running my own business, saw lots of theatre and concerts, kept up with many friends, did a few trips to my former home town and visited Australia's largest piece of mining infrastructure when I had cause to go to NW Australia....
so by month, the highlights and lowlights as follows:
January: my cousin Alison was here for Xmas and New Year and M, D, her and I headed to Berry on the NSW South Coast for a few days, lovely part of the world and the visit included a race meeting at Nowra! around my birthday I went for a trip to visit Roger and Max in their new coast home which is just awesome - that was the first of a number of trips...Karyn, Andrew, Molly and Charlie Reynolds dropped by for a visit whilst they were in Canberra, I had the first of my 2 eyebrow tattoo appointments (love them) and found a Reiki/spiritual healer here in Canberra...and the first of my occasional lunches with PVT (met him whilst at the former employer - enjoy our catch ups!)
February: highlight was niece Charlie's visit to celebrate her birthday - i discovered Typo (with her)! i did my first piece of work as iolite and still have the odd bit of coaching/facilitation work from this particular government department, who I just love working with...facilitated an MBTI team session in Sydney and realised just how happy i am not to be living there anymore (between the smog, the humidity, the traffic and the general feeling to rushedness and stress whilst there, I'm glad to live somewhere with a slightly slower pace!)...watched the first ever AFL Womens game and the Blues beat the old foe Collingwood...started yoga (mental note to find a new place so I can recommence my practice, which I really really enjoy)...did my first road trip to Birdsnest (Cooma) with Cath and found time to Skype with dear friends PA and Elliot and Anita
March: Mum's birthday, Black Opal Stakes, French Film Festival started, opening game of footy at the G with the fam (Richmond, who went on to become Premiers) flogged us, lunched with Dad at the Baden Powell Hotel in Collingwood (this will become a regular), visited Karen O and Eric in their new home in Balgowlah, saw Ladies in Black (a musical no less, which I loved), Michelle Williams lost her battle with cancer...but the highlight of this month and possibly my concert going days was seeing Adele, yes the one and only Miss Adele Blue Adkins on Sat 11 March 2017 with Esther....have simply never heard such an incredible voice...me and 99,999 or so others were transfixed during her 2 hour performance....
April: celebrated 1 year in my new home on 15 April, truly truly love where I live; not just the unit, but the building, suburb, surrounds, proximity to town etc. - feel like i've really landed in just the right place :-) two Blues wins this month - beat Bombers in the pouring rain on 9 April (57-42) and Swans (97-78) late in the month...Dad's birthday and Anzac Day nice opportunities to spend more time with the olds
May: first trip ever to NW Australia and Port Hedland in fact! Australia's largest piece of mining infrastructure and quite awesome despite the general 'feeling' in the remote town....caught up with Lol in Perth and also her cousin's wife Tracey...bought myself a lovely pearl bracelet as a momento and for the hard work which resulted in a successful work trip! Mum and Dad headed off on their 3 month trip :-( thank goodness for footy and Foxtel during that time, and of course friends...had a meeting with PWC which resulted in developing and running a pilot leadership program for them...1st time attendance with Max at the Canberra Symphony Orchestra - lovely and dinner with Sally Deane for first time in years, having caught up with her at Sonja's lovely 50th at Mount Stromlo...Blues defeated the old foe 79-56!
June: am now officially published with an article I wrote (no editing required) in HRD magazine! did the AICD course and met 3 wonderful women (Glenva, Gina and Leanne); really enjoy having dinner with them every couple of months....attended TEDx in Sydney which wasn't as good as I'd hoped but did provide the opportunity to catch up with Esther (dinner at Malaya) and Suzy Bessell and George Patrinos...attended my first Chopin recital at the Polish Embassy (loved it), went shopping with Sara whilst in Sydney and Blues had 2 wins this month (71-70 v Giants and 87-73 v Suns)...
July: had new lights installed in my kitchen (much softer), celebrated Shelley's 49th birthday with lunch at Urban Pantry (this has become my new regular lunch place), flew north for a few days with Kirst and family, my beautiful velvet curtains were finally installed in my bedroom, saw 1984 at the Canberra Theatre (interesting), observed one day of a program that I now co-facilitate with/for KPMG, had a small Xmas in July lunch with friends including Sara who spent the weekend here with me, enjoyed a Sunday lunch with the Rothwells and started my leadership pilot at PWC
August: spent a day with Darren Sutton whilst he was visiting the capital, headed north for my first trip to Burleigh Waters and a visit with my dear friends Wendy and Kim (and their lovely dog, Abbs), first visit to the Crystal Castle in Mullumbimby (will be back), and 5 luxurious nights at Gaia with Sonja - wow, what an amazing place! expensive but beautiful and utterly the best way to chill out and rejuvenate! if iolite does well, will go as often as i can afford it...back to the reality of winter in Canberra (dislike!)...presented at the ACS conference (won't be doing that again), graduated from AICD after the 5 day course and many hours finalising the exams/assessment (yay), new shower screen installed, and Mum and Dad's safe return on 21/8...oh and Blues beat Hawks for first time in like 12 years, 77-70!
September: new balcony furniture is installed, and now I have a real daybed on the balcony which means reading in the sun occurs much more frequently! sister Lol's 50th birthday party - fun on a boat with her and Av's friends and family - even saw some things in Canberra that I never knew existed! a weekend visit from my friend Esther which involves shopping, chatting and attending a few sessions of the Chopin competition here in Canberra...loved it so much I booked in for Ewa Poblocka with Mum, Rothwells and Talls...have rediscovered my love of piano (many things actually since moving home)....had my first board role interview, had a lovely long weekend at the coast with R & M and saw Tina Arena with Mandy for the first time...she was good, but after Adele, I don't think anything compares!
October: Rat came to visit, convinced the parentals to join me for Boney M - awesome night and so good to see both my parents signing and in Dad's case, dancing! saw Merchant of Venice at the theatre (one thing in particular I'm loving in Canberra is my regular theatre outings, usually with Son), started doing WITEM circles for Jenny Morris here in Canberra - just love that work :-) did a Sydney visit and caught up with Sara, Virginia, MJB, Karen and Eric and Susan Cummins...love being able to catch up with so many lovely people when I visit my former home....helped Mum with the St Johns fete and we raised over $1,000 selling raffle tickets....
November: another Birdsnest visit which resulted in the purchase of the dress I wore to the races on Melb Cup! a fun but uneventful day at Melb Cup (read as: did not win big!) but enjoyed having Nina join Mum, Dad and I - her first race outing. dinner at Pulp Kitchen for RT's 69th birthday, a catch up with Tony Zulli in the capital, lounge curtains and roman installed (love them), reunion coffee with Tig and Sue, 1st test at the Gabba (1 - 0 to Aus), gave some money to a good cause when Danni M and I went to a Fashion Recycle event organised by Theona and Pete...Socceroos qualified for the World Cup (phew)....and a highlight, attended a 90 minute webinar with none other than Dr Irvin Yalom, my favourite psychotherapist...was awesome!
December: what I thought was going to be a quiet month, ended up being quite busy and included dinner with Lol (on a quick visit East), a very wet drive to Wollongong to see John Farnham with high school friend Leeanne Lindsay (hadn't seen her in 30+ years so was quite a reunion), Mamma Mia with Son and Ali (a lot of fun), AICD girls Xmas dinner at La Rustica (great night), Xmas dinner with M, D, Cam and Jen at Rubicon (my first time) - best steak I reckon I've ever had and then all the prep for Xmas Day at mine with M, D, Sam, Neil and kidlets...was a lovely day; good food, cricket, darts on the balcony, movies, and charades! Boxing Day also good with Bredes in tow...then for some quiet time and 3 lovely nights at the coast with R & M, and the perfect Sarah New Years Eve; quiet night in, tv and got to see the 9pm fireworks without even leaving my couch! and some great cricket as Aussie's go 3-0 up at the WACA and with a draw at the MCG, 3-0 heading into the Sydney test...
so, overall a pretty good year; lots of theatre, lots of concerts, lots of spending time with people I love, plenty of visitors to the capital...not as much reading as I would like! can't think of a book as good as A Little Life and I finished it in 2016! perhaps 2018 will be the year I stumble across the next best book....
and a year where I do more of 'living the life i want' and working with clients i love and who value me...
happy 2018 everyone :-)
mostly, it was a good year! discovered and started yoga, visited my dear friends Wendy and Kim, managed to earn a little under half my corporate salary in my first year (10.5 months really) of running my own business, saw lots of theatre and concerts, kept up with many friends, did a few trips to my former home town and visited Australia's largest piece of mining infrastructure when I had cause to go to NW Australia....
so by month, the highlights and lowlights as follows:
January: my cousin Alison was here for Xmas and New Year and M, D, her and I headed to Berry on the NSW South Coast for a few days, lovely part of the world and the visit included a race meeting at Nowra! around my birthday I went for a trip to visit Roger and Max in their new coast home which is just awesome - that was the first of a number of trips...Karyn, Andrew, Molly and Charlie Reynolds dropped by for a visit whilst they were in Canberra, I had the first of my 2 eyebrow tattoo appointments (love them) and found a Reiki/spiritual healer here in Canberra...and the first of my occasional lunches with PVT (met him whilst at the former employer - enjoy our catch ups!)
February: highlight was niece Charlie's visit to celebrate her birthday - i discovered Typo (with her)! i did my first piece of work as iolite and still have the odd bit of coaching/facilitation work from this particular government department, who I just love working with...facilitated an MBTI team session in Sydney and realised just how happy i am not to be living there anymore (between the smog, the humidity, the traffic and the general feeling to rushedness and stress whilst there, I'm glad to live somewhere with a slightly slower pace!)...watched the first ever AFL Womens game and the Blues beat the old foe Collingwood...started yoga (mental note to find a new place so I can recommence my practice, which I really really enjoy)...did my first road trip to Birdsnest (Cooma) with Cath and found time to Skype with dear friends PA and Elliot and Anita
March: Mum's birthday, Black Opal Stakes, French Film Festival started, opening game of footy at the G with the fam (Richmond, who went on to become Premiers) flogged us, lunched with Dad at the Baden Powell Hotel in Collingwood (this will become a regular), visited Karen O and Eric in their new home in Balgowlah, saw Ladies in Black (a musical no less, which I loved), Michelle Williams lost her battle with cancer...but the highlight of this month and possibly my concert going days was seeing Adele, yes the one and only Miss Adele Blue Adkins on Sat 11 March 2017 with Esther....have simply never heard such an incredible voice...me and 99,999 or so others were transfixed during her 2 hour performance....
April: celebrated 1 year in my new home on 15 April, truly truly love where I live; not just the unit, but the building, suburb, surrounds, proximity to town etc. - feel like i've really landed in just the right place :-) two Blues wins this month - beat Bombers in the pouring rain on 9 April (57-42) and Swans (97-78) late in the month...Dad's birthday and Anzac Day nice opportunities to spend more time with the olds
May: first trip ever to NW Australia and Port Hedland in fact! Australia's largest piece of mining infrastructure and quite awesome despite the general 'feeling' in the remote town....caught up with Lol in Perth and also her cousin's wife Tracey...bought myself a lovely pearl bracelet as a momento and for the hard work which resulted in a successful work trip! Mum and Dad headed off on their 3 month trip :-( thank goodness for footy and Foxtel during that time, and of course friends...had a meeting with PWC which resulted in developing and running a pilot leadership program for them...1st time attendance with Max at the Canberra Symphony Orchestra - lovely and dinner with Sally Deane for first time in years, having caught up with her at Sonja's lovely 50th at Mount Stromlo...Blues defeated the old foe 79-56!
June: am now officially published with an article I wrote (no editing required) in HRD magazine! did the AICD course and met 3 wonderful women (Glenva, Gina and Leanne); really enjoy having dinner with them every couple of months....attended TEDx in Sydney which wasn't as good as I'd hoped but did provide the opportunity to catch up with Esther (dinner at Malaya) and Suzy Bessell and George Patrinos...attended my first Chopin recital at the Polish Embassy (loved it), went shopping with Sara whilst in Sydney and Blues had 2 wins this month (71-70 v Giants and 87-73 v Suns)...
July: had new lights installed in my kitchen (much softer), celebrated Shelley's 49th birthday with lunch at Urban Pantry (this has become my new regular lunch place), flew north for a few days with Kirst and family, my beautiful velvet curtains were finally installed in my bedroom, saw 1984 at the Canberra Theatre (interesting), observed one day of a program that I now co-facilitate with/for KPMG, had a small Xmas in July lunch with friends including Sara who spent the weekend here with me, enjoyed a Sunday lunch with the Rothwells and started my leadership pilot at PWC
August: spent a day with Darren Sutton whilst he was visiting the capital, headed north for my first trip to Burleigh Waters and a visit with my dear friends Wendy and Kim (and their lovely dog, Abbs), first visit to the Crystal Castle in Mullumbimby (will be back), and 5 luxurious nights at Gaia with Sonja - wow, what an amazing place! expensive but beautiful and utterly the best way to chill out and rejuvenate! if iolite does well, will go as often as i can afford it...back to the reality of winter in Canberra (dislike!)...presented at the ACS conference (won't be doing that again), graduated from AICD after the 5 day course and many hours finalising the exams/assessment (yay), new shower screen installed, and Mum and Dad's safe return on 21/8...oh and Blues beat Hawks for first time in like 12 years, 77-70!
September: new balcony furniture is installed, and now I have a real daybed on the balcony which means reading in the sun occurs much more frequently! sister Lol's 50th birthday party - fun on a boat with her and Av's friends and family - even saw some things in Canberra that I never knew existed! a weekend visit from my friend Esther which involves shopping, chatting and attending a few sessions of the Chopin competition here in Canberra...loved it so much I booked in for Ewa Poblocka with Mum, Rothwells and Talls...have rediscovered my love of piano (many things actually since moving home)....had my first board role interview, had a lovely long weekend at the coast with R & M and saw Tina Arena with Mandy for the first time...she was good, but after Adele, I don't think anything compares!
October: Rat came to visit, convinced the parentals to join me for Boney M - awesome night and so good to see both my parents signing and in Dad's case, dancing! saw Merchant of Venice at the theatre (one thing in particular I'm loving in Canberra is my regular theatre outings, usually with Son), started doing WITEM circles for Jenny Morris here in Canberra - just love that work :-) did a Sydney visit and caught up with Sara, Virginia, MJB, Karen and Eric and Susan Cummins...love being able to catch up with so many lovely people when I visit my former home....helped Mum with the St Johns fete and we raised over $1,000 selling raffle tickets....
November: another Birdsnest visit which resulted in the purchase of the dress I wore to the races on Melb Cup! a fun but uneventful day at Melb Cup (read as: did not win big!) but enjoyed having Nina join Mum, Dad and I - her first race outing. dinner at Pulp Kitchen for RT's 69th birthday, a catch up with Tony Zulli in the capital, lounge curtains and roman installed (love them), reunion coffee with Tig and Sue, 1st test at the Gabba (1 - 0 to Aus), gave some money to a good cause when Danni M and I went to a Fashion Recycle event organised by Theona and Pete...Socceroos qualified for the World Cup (phew)....and a highlight, attended a 90 minute webinar with none other than Dr Irvin Yalom, my favourite psychotherapist...was awesome!
December: what I thought was going to be a quiet month, ended up being quite busy and included dinner with Lol (on a quick visit East), a very wet drive to Wollongong to see John Farnham with high school friend Leeanne Lindsay (hadn't seen her in 30+ years so was quite a reunion), Mamma Mia with Son and Ali (a lot of fun), AICD girls Xmas dinner at La Rustica (great night), Xmas dinner with M, D, Cam and Jen at Rubicon (my first time) - best steak I reckon I've ever had and then all the prep for Xmas Day at mine with M, D, Sam, Neil and kidlets...was a lovely day; good food, cricket, darts on the balcony, movies, and charades! Boxing Day also good with Bredes in tow...then for some quiet time and 3 lovely nights at the coast with R & M, and the perfect Sarah New Years Eve; quiet night in, tv and got to see the 9pm fireworks without even leaving my couch! and some great cricket as Aussie's go 3-0 up at the WACA and with a draw at the MCG, 3-0 heading into the Sydney test...
so, overall a pretty good year; lots of theatre, lots of concerts, lots of spending time with people I love, plenty of visitors to the capital...not as much reading as I would like! can't think of a book as good as A Little Life and I finished it in 2016! perhaps 2018 will be the year I stumble across the next best book....
and a year where I do more of 'living the life i want' and working with clients i love and who value me...
happy 2018 everyone :-)
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