rebuilding confidence...

isn't easy...

especially after a series of small incidents, all of which in isolation are probably nothing, but when they happen in succession, seem to have a much bigger cumulative impact

sigh

started in early september; when the hairdresser a friend referred me to, was so rude to me (turns out her teenage daughter had been playing up and she needed a holiday) that I spent at least a week wondering if it was me....

when she told me she'd need to change my colour appointment, i said sure when, she responded with 2-3 weeks...really? don't most people my age with grey hair prefer to stick to their 4 week schedule so they don't have a grey strip? i told her that wouldn't work and she told me that 'i was selfish, she was tired and needed a holiday and her life didn't revolve around me'....

really! this actually happened, a so called customer service person said this to me....suffice to say i haven't and won't go back - i would never recommend her and i was so affronted by how she chose to speak to me that i actually hung up on her; rather than responding....really, what would have been the point?

and that was the start of weirdness with Mandy, the friend who'd recommended her...understandably she didn't want to get involved (of course, why would she? difficult for her)....so imagine my shock then when she didn't hear back from one of my bff's laurel about her cupcake trays and wanted me to get involved...

gotta love people's double standards...add to that she didn't make what laurel wanted and seemed to think that laurel wasn't trustworthy....really?  and when i don't respond to one of her texts on a saturday by sunday morning i get the 'is there a reason you aren't talking to me?' message...seriously, are we 15? i think not....she knew very well that i was busy at a 50th - the very 50th she made cupcakes for....

then when her birthday was approaching i asked her what she was doing and she sent me an 'oh, i forgot to invite you' message for dinner....

add to that the cold shoulder of me on FB and the fact that when i do stuff i've always done, she often refers to me as 'fancy'...when i've never tried to make out that we are different, even though we are

and then, one of my clients who i'd just completed my first month of facilitating for - who had given me nothing but positive, glowing in fact, feedback, happened to tell me that i nearly didn't get the gig as her and the partner thought i was abrupt sometimes....true, i can be

but when i asked her if something had prompted her to tell me that on the day she said no

when i said that i was sorry they had that view, and enquired as to what i may have done to leave them with that impression, she said 'oh, i don't know, can't come up with anything specific'

seriously! what is the value of telling someone after you've employed them that they nearly didn't get the job? what a fucking stupid thing to do....

so i guess i feel that i'm constantly being judged, and sure, i judge others, but it's really gotten to me...

what i don't want to do is start second guessing everything i do or everything i say....far too bloody exhausting

this is when having a significant other would be nice; someone to be on my side (even though i'm trying to be on my side), someone to debrief with rather than the constant hashing and rehashing i sometimes do when on my own...

and i do love my own company - i do, but sometimes a circuit breaker would be good!

so the journey to reframe, to learn and to rebuild commences....