i'm tired of pretending...

i had tea with one of my oldest friends the other day and she looked at me, grabbed my hand and said 'Sar, please don't be closed off to love'...

it's really got me thinking...

i don't think i'm closed off to it, but maybe i appear that way

maybe the tough funny girl act does keep a whole bunch of really nice men at bay

honestly, i've always held nice men at bay

horrible men, unavailable men, men who won't treat me right - they're always welcomed

but nice men - no sirree!

truth is i'm so utterly afraid of being hurt, of being abandoned, so i tend not to let them in...

but you know what? i'm lonely - not always, but the last few weeks since my parents have been away i'm lonely - and not like i live my life for them or through them - most weeks i see them once - twice...

but i'm lonely

i want that real love - i want someone in my life who knows and loves all of me

even the young girl who was sexually abused by her best friend...it's hard to fathom that what Chris did all those years ago has really made it hard for me to let other men in...he hurt me, not just because of what he did to me that night, but because he was supposed to be my best friend, i was supposed to be able to trust him...

but he took that away from me...i don't think i'll ever get it back - how could i?

so universe, please help me to open up, to be more trusting, less cynical....

please......