i'm tired of pretending...

i had tea with one of my oldest friends the other day and she looked at me, grabbed my hand and said 'Sar, please don't be closed off to love'...

it's really got me thinking...

i don't think i'm closed off to it, but maybe i appear that way

maybe the tough funny girl act does keep a whole bunch of really nice men at bay

honestly, i've always held nice men at bay

horrible men, unavailable men, men who won't treat me right - they're always welcomed

but nice men - no sirree!

truth is i'm so utterly afraid of being hurt, of being abandoned, so i tend not to let them in...

but you know what? i'm lonely - not always, but the last few weeks since my parents have been away i'm lonely - and not like i live my life for them or through them - most weeks i see them once - twice...

but i'm lonely

i want that real love - i want someone in my life who knows and loves all of me

even the young girl who was sexually abused by her best friend...it's hard to fathom that what Chris did all those years ago has really made it hard for me to let other men in...he hurt me, not just because of what he did to me that night, but because he was supposed to be my best friend, i was supposed to be able to trust him...

but he took that away from me...i don't think i'll ever get it back - how could i?

so universe, please help me to open up, to be more trusting, less cynical....

please......

frustrated and just not feeling 'it' today....

sigh

yep, that's how i'm feeling today...

the day didn't get off to a good start when the 8am tradesman turned up at 7.45 and I was dripping wet - told them not to send anyone earlier than 8 as i haven't been well; but seems nobody listens these days :(

yes, seems this is going to be a gripe about nobody listening....

not helped by the fact that a bunch of my friends haven't even responded to an invitation that I sent weeks ago, and that one of my clients (usually my favourite client) hasn't listened to some advice I gave her (which of course, she is entitled to) but it's ended up causing a shit experience for a 3rd party that i'm now trying to resolve...

i'm also really annoyed because throughout one of the processes i've been assisting with (recruiting) she has changed her mind a lot (not easy to manage with candidates) and seems incapable of making a simple decision.  this has left a bunch of people, including another 3rd party to her business, saying things like 'she's not clear, hasn't been crisp and has changed her mind'...thank goodness it's not just me

so today, I'm a bit over it, over myself and not feeling anything resembling mojo!

oh, and yes another client who i haven't yet started work with also don't appear to respond to emails and have confessed that their communication (as a company) is crap...

so, actually maybe i'm just not feeling heard is the problem and i know this to be one of my buttons!

thought about taking myself for a walk but it's 5 degrees outside and even in the sun that is way too cold for me...

so i think i'll make myself a cuppa, watch one of my fave shows, and perhaps in a few hours, i'll be feeling more myself...

oh, and because i have been honest with my client about the process i feel bad, yep, i feel guilty....she's clearly frustrated - i'm frustrated, the candidate is frustrated and the other party is frustrated and i wonder if she holds me accountable for the fact that she couldn't make a simple decision....

sad face :-(