beating myself up today...

so in an effort to be kinder to myself, thought i'd blog about it and as often happens, perhaps some illumination whilst typing....

so why am i beating myself up? well, i moved back to my home town just a little over a year ago and since then, have spent more time with my parents than i have in the best part of 25 years...

so it's taking some adjusting living in the same city, and i've become the person i am without them really being around...

also, i met up with a man i met through my dad last week and he said something which has kind of stayed with me; namely that 'his parents are in his way as he tries to be himself'...

i could SO relate to that, and not that I want to ascribe any blame to my dear parents, no, i do want to delve into this further...

so, initially, after moving home there was a desire to spend a lot of time with them - this was, i believe mutual.  i was very unhappy at work, still finding my way here after 25 years in the big smoke (a big adjustment) and still forging friendships, old and new...

so then once i started to need a bit more Sarah time, i felt guilty pulling back...but i observed that if i suggested something and they didn't want to or couldn't do it, they were quite open about that, yet i always felt guilty saying no...go figure!

some family systems stuff going on right there...

and right now i am finding that a bunch of stuff about my dad really annoys me, and i feel guilty about it...

he has always been someone i've looked up to, but when you get to see someone more frequently and they become a part of your day to day life, you, or me in this case, i've started to see things that i didn't see before..

mostly, this tendency to be 'helpless' is driving me crazy! and sure he's getting older, but he's 74 not 94!

so what sparked off my spiral today? we were in a store looking for an office chair for him and he was standing right in my space, and i think i just said 'Dad, can you not stand so close to me'...of course him (and my Mum) know nothing about the stuff that happened to me when i was 13, and i don't want them to know, but at times, it would be easier if they knew as they might understand my sometimes odd behaviour...

and i don't think i'm particularly odd, but in some situations i probably react/behave differently than others...

so these sorts of interactions leave me feeling guilty; i'm over that! what i'd like to do is find ways to better deal with this so that in those situations i don't behave in a way that i then beat myself up for...

talking to Tony last week was good though as  for the first time in ages i felt that someone really understood where i was coming from and had similar issues

i've often thought that i'm the worst version of myself with my parents and this is clearly not unique to me

but i'm sick of feeling bad about how i sometimes behave so it might be time for a different approach...

in the meantime, i'm going to try and be kinder to myself...not like they're always perfect! and not like they've been fabulous role models in this regard at times, but as is my way, i take it all on and blame myself...

ok, work to do!