still a trainwreck.....?

well I finally have my study set up in the new home - it's not complete, but my desk is up which means I can more easily use my computer :-)

it also means the 14 or so boxes of books is now unpacked, albeit stacked against the wall until I get a custom built shelving unit, but unpacked, which means I feel more settled....

and I found a new nail salon which is close to home - and the lovely girl there did a great job :-)

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I know I would normally feel a bit out of sorts before returning, added to which the rain hasn't stopped for 2 days (not helping) and whilst I am not jet lagged, I'm still adjusting to the climate change/time difference....but I really do not want to go back!

actually, that's not entirely true! I want to go back to continue the good work me and the team are doing, but one member of my team is being a nightmare and I just don't trust her...

this all emerged 10 minutes before I went on leave when she sent me a stupid rambling email - admittedly, she is worried she is going to be fired so she's just lashing out, but her email and some of what she said got to me, pushed that button (as it were) and marred my holiday...:-( and sure, I let that happen, not her, but still....

so I'm not looking forward to facing her/that but I'm sure it will be find....in reality, I have done nothing wrong - reasonable management action and all of that, but still, the old nagging 'I'm not good enough', 'I must have done something wrong', 'no-ones' on my side' etc. etc has bubbled up

thankfully I had a Skype session with Sal on Friday - so moving, hasn't meant I had to give that up :-)

she thinks this is coming up again so I can learn this lesson - she's right of course.

and what is the lesson? well methinks it has a lot to do with not reacting to other people's shit, and to not letting it impact me or undermine my sense of self...

it's going to take some work....but the first step is recognising there's a problem (I do) and then bringing some mindfulness/attention to it (I am)...

but how is it that someone who's achieved what I have can still spend a decent part of a 3 week holiday thinking about 'being in trouble' - when I have done nothing wrong!

of course, I sometimes trust my staff too much - and that might be the case here!

so the learning continues....