another day...

I've gotten through another day...

it's not easy I can tell you, but today, I got up and showed up

first up I had a meeting which could have been very confrontational - meeting involved a bunch of typically aggressive union types, but I was so pleased with how I handled it, the meeting went very well...

after I left one of the managers there told me he was impressed with how I ran the meeting and he'd learned some stuff from me - so very chuffed...and then I felt sad...

and why you might ask?

well, someone in my team who was not performing has suggested I've bullied her...

it's bullshit...

my boss has prejudged the situation and I find myself working for a company who have done nothing to support me in the role they brought me in to do, I find the person in the role before me was bullied out of there, and yet someone in my team who I've done nothing but support, has claimed bullying because she is stressed...

give me a break!  if anyone has a legitimate claim for bullying, it's me...

but I will not walk away from this without defending this claim
I have done nothing wrong other than put my company's welfare ahead of my own
these things rarely go well for those managers who are courageous enough to hold staff to account

thankfully, an external person has been asked to do the investigation - I'm grateful for that - she at least will be (I hope) impartial...

so, anyway, in other news, my dad is back from his UK visit where he went to farewell my grandmother...it's great to have him home safely :-)

so tonight, I am simply grateful for that :-)

overwhelmingly sad...

today has not been a good day...

the week has been very difficult and during the week I have decided that once my bonus is in the account I will be writing a letter to the chairman outlining the behaviour I have been subjected to in my time at work...

it saddens me that this person is a head of the company I work for and he behaves in this manner
it saddens me that my professional life is miserable because of how he chooses to treat me
it saddens me that I will have to accept that once I make a complaint, I will be the one who is forced to leave
it saddens me that in this day and age, someone of his seniority behaves in this manner
it saddens me that despite the laws, given I report to the the most senior person there, there is no protection for me

on the other hand it's probably a good thing! I've been unhappy in corporate life for years and looking for a way out

selling my Sydney home has certainly made any future decisions about my career easier as for the first time in my entire life I am cashed up, and sure, that money is offsetting my mortgage, but still, I am cashed up and that affords me some flexibility

i am angry too
very angry
angry that there seems so little protection for me and that it's all so unfair

but this is not new for me - i often find myself in situations which i perceive as unfair, and sometimes they probably are

my mum's been great...her and dad have witnessed what I've had to put up with since choosing to take this job

so has my therapist and shortly, so will a local doctor...I'm not depressed, but i am anxious about work, I'm worried about how he will treat me and how i will get through the next 15 weeks...it could be less than 15 weeks, but I'm working on the assumption it will be 15 weeks...

in reality, that's 75 work days; 22 of which he's on leave, 5 of which I'm on leave, 2 of which are public holidays...so in actual fact, we're talking about 46 days....just a little over 9 weeks

surely that can't be too hard?

I've gotten through worse - i know i have
I've got great support
i have someone who's set up a new business doing what i love and she wants me to be her partner - her only partner - she'll work with other associates, but she wants me to be her partner - and i so want to get back into that sort of work...and i didn't want to do it on my own again...

thank you universe - when i met Nikki all those years ago, we instantly connected - who knew it might turn out like this :-) feeling loved and valued...

and that's something i haven't felt in corporate life for a very long time...

ok, now the list of things i have to look forward to in those 15 weeks (i find it helps to have positive things to focus on):
 - my Dad get's home on Tuesday after 2.5 weeks in the UK following my grandma's death (will be so good to have him here)
 - wallpaper going up on Wednesday
 - catch up with Shell et al next Saturday for Em's 16th
 - pictures/mirrors going up next Saturday
 - 7 pay days, hopefully including a decent bonus
 - visit from bff KK in early August
 - boss having 22 days off work starting on 6 July
 - I'm having a week off in September
 - trip to Perth to visit my big sister
 - visit from AC (Sydney friend) (date to be organised)
 - Friday night drinks with childhood friend MK who I've just reconnected with
 - light installation on 25 July
 - painting of living room of 27 July
 - making more connections around the capital
 - catch up with my old friend DT on 28 July
 - catch up with NR on 27 July (and we'll be talking business/partnership etc.)
 - catch up with the lovely Nina on 9 July
 - meeting with David Schwartz on 11/12 July (to talk NED opps)

I'm sure there is so much more - so I'm going to do my best to focus on the many positive aspects of my life, and at work, I'm going to hold my head high and keep doing my job...

ok, couch is calling xx

testing....

well, the next few weeks are going to be testing...

as if a shit meeting with my boss mid morning wasn't enough, later this afternoon the employee who has caused nothing but trouble, sends a medical certificate for the next 2 weeks, and the doctor (who knows only one side of this story) has written 'workplace bullying' as the cause...

sigh! I'm disappointed, I'm angry and sure, because my boss has never really shown his support to me (in any way) I have no doubt he won't now...

I already thought he had made his mind up about me (based on the gossip and whingeing of others - something he basically told me this morning he is sick of - I'm not the person who does it!) so I have no inkling that he'll turn out to be even remotely supportive....

but this time firstly, I have nothing to answer to, and secondly, I will fight this to the end....so that justice prevails...

this person has made my professional life difficult (her and my boss) for the last few months and now she's suggesting, because she's being held to account and can't handle the pressure (admittedly, it's not that much pressure when she has a supportive boss, me, and a full time resource at her disposal) that she's been bullied...

give me a break! I'm over this approach in Canberra - at the slightest hint of difficulty, people pull out the bullying card...

the irony in all of this, is that the person in this situation who probably is being bullied, is me....by her (she's manipulative and not to be trusted) but worse, by my boss, the CEO....

I'm glad I had dinner with my mum tonight - it's always good to be with people who are on your side and who believe you (wholeheartedly) when you say you have nothing to answer to....

I'm not going to let what happened at the last place of work influence how I carry/handle myself through this...

there'll be an investigation - and frankly, that's good as I have nothing to answer for - have documented all the issues well and have advised others (my offsider, our legal advisors etc. and a number of my colleagues are well aware of some of her shortcomings)...

I am determined not to let my little girl, the one who always assumes she's in the wrong, the one who is hyper responsible (sometimes) run this show...

if she does, i'll give this too much air time and crucify myself over nothing....

note to self:
 - you are a good person
 - in this situation, you have done nothing wrong other than continually support someone you should have terminated ages ago
 - you know the truth
 - you are not walking away from this without a fight, in fact, you're not walking away
 - justice will prevail
 - there are resources to help you
 - you don't have to do this on your own
 - demand to be treated fairly, to be given a right of reply (if and when any actual allegations surface) and demand natural justice...

 - you deserve nothing less - actually you deserve way more, but you deserve at least this....

taking charge...

so this has been a challenging week - not only am I tired, but the person who caused me so much grief at work has in fact done a pretty appalling job and so I'm left holding the baby, as it were...

and sure, as the most senior person in my team the responsibility to deliver this project ultimately sits with me but she's had the best part of 3 months, plus a full time resource at her disposal and the results, are astonishingly crap...

seriously! she is paid a lot of money, has so called experience in project management (I'm seeing none of that), has less than desired stakeholder management skills, and has a very poor writing style...I have no evidence (other than the shit job her and the contractor have done) that she is a poor manager, but I think she probably is...

seriously, what has she been doing for the last 3 months (other than wallowing in self pity after she got some pretty tough feedback about her behaviour) and how on earth has she held down project management jobs?

and now, to top it off, she's basically working 8.30 - 5.00pm when a key board committed deadline is looming...

I will never understand people - honestly!

in other news, one of the other problem children in the team resigned today giving me reason to ask the boss for some time to take him through my proposed restructure which will reduce staffing levels slightly, save a fair bit of cash and get rid of the abovementioned person with a redundancy - genuinely...

and as of tomorrow evening my bff will be here for the weekend, and another week has passed!

60 weeks down, 96 to go, and at least 4 of those will be public holidays, another 8 annual leave, and I can probably eek out a further 1-2 in personal leave...so in reality, 80 or so weeks to go...

and in other news, I met with probably the best executive recruiter in the capital today and had a really good chat...

so onwards!

new years' resolutions...

so, it's been an interesting few months! the holiday was in some way marred by the familiar feelings of fear I am confronted with when things with a staff member aren't going well...

thankfully, I've started to have Skype sessions with Sal since I got back and that has helped...

but also, our conversations have allowed me to realise that I am NEVER on my own side, that I ALWAYS assume I'm in the wrong (even when I know I'm not) and that I'm in trouble...

this goes back a long long way into the depths of my childhood and probably (no, definitely) requires more work...

so of course in the midst of my 'the worst thing will happen' thinking (which of course, is highly unlikely!), I thought about some ways in which I could improve my attitude/beliefs if I'm to continue in this role/company for the remainder of my contact (which equates to 23 months)...

so the things I'm going to try and do - for me - starting on 1 July are:

 - try and live on a little over 50% of my current salary;
 - remember that I can renegotiate the mortgage term in need (I seem to conveniently forget this);
 - rebuild my share portfolio to it's former value, and increase it further over the next 2 years;
 - blog more;
 - have regular sessions with Sal;
 - try and find time in my day to meditate;
 - source some writing/book club things in Canberra;
 - make space to revisit Lexie;
 - commit to finding time to exercise (knowing how much better I feel when I do);
 - identify some things to sell on eBay (namely, things I no longer need/use which are just taking up room either in the unit or garage);
 - develop useful and meaningful professional networks in the capital so that 'choice' is abundant; and
 - continue with the changes in my little home to make it home.

so sure, it's the wrong time of year to think about new years' resolutions, but 1 July is the new financial year, so I figure, it's as good a time as any...

one of the things I am going to need to do is get a board/something so I can jot these things down so I see them regularly! and perhaps I need to do at least a monthly update...

I'm keen not to count the days of this contract down (as there are too many to count - in fact, I couldn't resist, there are 458 working days not including any leave I may take from Jan 2017 - April 2018 when my current contract is up...)

still a trainwreck.....?

well I finally have my study set up in the new home - it's not complete, but my desk is up which means I can more easily use my computer :-)

it also means the 14 or so boxes of books is now unpacked, albeit stacked against the wall until I get a custom built shelving unit, but unpacked, which means I feel more settled....

and I found a new nail salon which is close to home - and the lovely girl there did a great job :-)

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I know I would normally feel a bit out of sorts before returning, added to which the rain hasn't stopped for 2 days (not helping) and whilst I am not jet lagged, I'm still adjusting to the climate change/time difference....but I really do not want to go back!

actually, that's not entirely true! I want to go back to continue the good work me and the team are doing, but one member of my team is being a nightmare and I just don't trust her...

this all emerged 10 minutes before I went on leave when she sent me a stupid rambling email - admittedly, she is worried she is going to be fired so she's just lashing out, but her email and some of what she said got to me, pushed that button (as it were) and marred my holiday...:-( and sure, I let that happen, not her, but still....

so I'm not looking forward to facing her/that but I'm sure it will be find....in reality, I have done nothing wrong - reasonable management action and all of that, but still, the old nagging 'I'm not good enough', 'I must have done something wrong', 'no-ones' on my side' etc. etc has bubbled up

thankfully I had a Skype session with Sal on Friday - so moving, hasn't meant I had to give that up :-)

she thinks this is coming up again so I can learn this lesson - she's right of course.

and what is the lesson? well methinks it has a lot to do with not reacting to other people's shit, and to not letting it impact me or undermine my sense of self...

it's going to take some work....but the first step is recognising there's a problem (I do) and then bringing some mindfulness/attention to it (I am)...

but how is it that someone who's achieved what I have can still spend a decent part of a 3 week holiday thinking about 'being in trouble' - when I have done nothing wrong!

of course, I sometimes trust my staff too much - and that might be the case here!

so the learning continues....