trainwreck

so, I finally got around to watching Amy Schumer's Trainwreck over the weekend, and to my surprise, not only did I really enjoy it but it highlighted something to me about myself that of course I probably knew on some level, but I saw it acted out in front of me....

• her background is nothing like mine
• her promiscuity and beliefs about relationships are somewhat similar (but also different)
• more importantly her behaviour and how she reacts to some stuff is almost identical to my behaviour in similar situations...

and that scared me! on the other hand I found it comforting to realise that something I've been battling all this time isn't fiction, but it happens to other people...

so what was it I hear you ask?

well, she's finally hooked up with a man she likes - they have a fight and she assumes it's over...

yep, that's me alright...

it was sort of surreal to see it in a movie; a big giant mirror

but it gave me cause to think about my beliefs - and they don't stop in my intimate relationships, no sirree, today (perhaps this is exactly why it happened today - thanks universe), it happened (again) at work too...

• if I have a fight with a lover/partner, I assume they'll say 'that's it, I'm leaving you'
• if I do something wrong at work, I assume i'll be fired
• even if I don't do something at work, following former workplace experience, I start to think I've done something wrong and think i'll be fired
• if I do nothing wrong but someone (lover/partner/boss) else behaves 'off' I assume it has something to do with me, take it personally and assume that relationship is over

can you imagine living like this? not only is it exhausting but it's soul destroying...

so today has probably happened so I can learn this lesson, damn it!

there's definitely something in this for me...

often my internal response is 'well if I leave first, I leave on my own terms'...yep, that's a good response if I'm a six year old, but I'm 47!

FFS.....

and I'm actually not beating up on myself here - no, I'm actually showing myself some compassion...and maybe by starting with compassion and accepting this is what I do, then maybe I can start to unlearn it and try something new, a new approach to dealing with stuff like this...

so, I'm going to enjoy my cuppa, crawl into bed, do a meditation and try and get a good nights sleep

tomorrow is a new day and to quote a long held Buddhist belief 'this too shall pass'....

ps only a wee bit annoyed that i had finally gotten my head in a good place after the last craptastic few weeks at work...and maybe it really isn't about me at all!