looking back...

there is something really comforting ready over old posts...

just saying...

and I notice that leah appears in a lot of posts whilst I was at previous employer....it would be easy to lie and say I don't miss her at all

but truth is, when someone is a big part of your life for a period of time, however long or short, there are times when we think about them, and miss them

at the moment, I miss her...

I hope that she is well, and whilst I'd like to reach out to her, I suspect it wouldn't be welcomed, so I won't...

at least not tonight...

trainwreck

so, I finally got around to watching Amy Schumer's Trainwreck over the weekend, and to my surprise, not only did I really enjoy it but it highlighted something to me about myself that of course I probably knew on some level, but I saw it acted out in front of me....

• her background is nothing like mine
• her promiscuity and beliefs about relationships are somewhat similar (but also different)
• more importantly her behaviour and how she reacts to some stuff is almost identical to my behaviour in similar situations...

and that scared me! on the other hand I found it comforting to realise that something I've been battling all this time isn't fiction, but it happens to other people...

so what was it I hear you ask?

well, she's finally hooked up with a man she likes - they have a fight and she assumes it's over...

yep, that's me alright...

it was sort of surreal to see it in a movie; a big giant mirror

but it gave me cause to think about my beliefs - and they don't stop in my intimate relationships, no sirree, today (perhaps this is exactly why it happened today - thanks universe), it happened (again) at work too...

• if I have a fight with a lover/partner, I assume they'll say 'that's it, I'm leaving you'
• if I do something wrong at work, I assume i'll be fired
• even if I don't do something at work, following former workplace experience, I start to think I've done something wrong and think i'll be fired
• if I do nothing wrong but someone (lover/partner/boss) else behaves 'off' I assume it has something to do with me, take it personally and assume that relationship is over

can you imagine living like this? not only is it exhausting but it's soul destroying...

so today has probably happened so I can learn this lesson, damn it!

there's definitely something in this for me...

often my internal response is 'well if I leave first, I leave on my own terms'...yep, that's a good response if I'm a six year old, but I'm 47!

FFS.....

and I'm actually not beating up on myself here - no, I'm actually showing myself some compassion...and maybe by starting with compassion and accepting this is what I do, then maybe I can start to unlearn it and try something new, a new approach to dealing with stuff like this...

so, I'm going to enjoy my cuppa, crawl into bed, do a meditation and try and get a good nights sleep

tomorrow is a new day and to quote a long held Buddhist belief 'this too shall pass'....

ps only a wee bit annoyed that i had finally gotten my head in a good place after the last craptastic few weeks at work...and maybe it really isn't about me at all!

i'm back...

so, it's been nearly 4 years and I'm no longer comfortable that my work life should prevent me from having a public blog....

it was really hard to give this up, but life has moved on rather a lot...

so, I've left that place of work, the one where I met and fell for FC, the one where I was bullied, treated badly and probably should have spoken up...instead, I left in a way that wasn't of my choosing, but I learnt a lot

I'm now nearly a year into a 3 year contract - and whilst i love the job I'm trying to do a great job without letting it consume me....I've committed to selling my Sydney home and am about to relocate to my hometown, the capital!

I'm still single, but I'm happily single...this is different!

and once I've relocated I have plans! big plans for a different looking future, and selling my home here in the big smoke will obviously help, but still...

those plans include: finishing the novel (80,000 words done, but some structural changes to be made), studying to be an interior decorator (yes, you read it correctly), finding some board positions, and finding a way to give back...

so it's all onwards from here....

the hiatus is captured in another blog - one which for now will remain private, but in time, I may work up to publishing it...

the intervening years were tough in many regards, but hey, I'm still here and I'm smiling, so that's a good thing...

I also smiled when I saw my little picture - I created it when I wore glasses - then I had the laser surgery - now I'm getting older, I need a different sort of glasses, ha!

I hope everyone else is doing well....any followers I would have had will have gone, but hi to the new ones and sending my hello into the ether :-)

ciao for now!