was i too fast....

too fast to make contact? 

hmmm not entirely sure

so last night was difficult, i felt really really hurt, disappointed, sad etc and i realised that what i had done (which is my typical way of dealing with this stuff) is to assume it was over, decide i didn't want to be with him, and try and put it behind me...

but you know what? i wonder if that is what this lesson is about? perhaps it's about attempting vulnerability, attempting to be intimate, and not doing all of the things i usually do...i.e. not just letting my old patterns and defences takes over, unless they are of my choosing...and not running away when it gets too hard (yes, i accused him of that the other day, but really, not like i'd handled it any differently)

so this morning, after a decent sleep, i texted Leah to see if she was free this weekend...i miss her, we haven't seen much of each other in recent times and i miss her...not thinking she would have her phone on (as it wasn't yet 7am...eek!), she called me and we chatted for nearly 40 minutes...

i gave her the update post sunday, which is the last time i spoke to her, and she gave me her very 't' view of how he might be feeling, what he might be thinking and how my behaviour might have impacted him...of course, as we do, i have spent almost all of the time looking at how his behaviour impacted me, and sure, i've given some thought to the fact that i wasn't the 'me' i wanted to be, and been disappointed in myself, but i hadn't really thought about what message/s it might have sent to him...

and then i gave some thought to if i really wanted it to be over, or whether or not i could try something different...

so after much contemplation i sent him a text 'hey....i've thought a lot about Friday and seems there was a lot said, a whole lot more not said, mixed messages and resulting confusion all round...remember i said to you that i think we 'miss' each other sometimes? That's what happened Friday I think...I'd really like a chance to sort it out with you....S'

of course, this was relatively high risk for me...figuring, with his penchant for disappearing, or not answering, i may be left hanging out there...but i was willing to take the risk, thinking that just because he might want to play games or ignore his feelings, i don't...i was ready to be honest about what i wanted and so sent it...

funny then, when you expect the least, or the worst, and you are surprised - or is it just me that happens to?

so i get an immediate response, and consequently we are catching up saturday....i have a lot of prep to do! not in terms of who to be - i know that - i want to be me, the caring, kind, me i know myself to be when i am not hiding behind my veneer...no, the prep is getting myself ready to show him that side of me...so that there is no chance he doesn't know what i'm feeling (and not like i'm going to give it all away, but i want him to be clear)....

sooo perhaps another chapter will be written, perhaps i'll get some practice at being vulnerable, perhaps he'll get to see me, the me i want him to see, perhaps there'll be more pashing (god i hope so, i seriously enjoyed that)....perhaps!

just sayin'

ps i love my sister....shared something with her tonight that i felt needed to be shared...consequently i feel lighter! i think there is merit in letting people see the real you (mental note to remember this when next with FC....)