turns out, it didn't need to be said....

so, following a text of his last night where he 'flagged' i wasn't going to be happy with his decision, i wasn't overly optimistic about how today was going to go...

hopeful yes, deluded no!

so, basically he says that he's done a lot of thinking and even though things are essentially the same as last weekend, he just isn't ready to be in a relationship, and he thinks the 'work' thing is a problem (can't disagree with him there)....

so that's it! no need for me to get vulnerable, for me to articulate what i want, for even though he said he hadn't made up his mind, he clearly had...he almost jokingly said 'better now than in 4 months right?', and yes, i couldn't disagree with that

i guess i'm pleased he was able to be honest with me....i'm pleased i truly believe that this has nothing to do with me...not like we're not still attracted to each other...

part of me feels sad

another part disappointed

another part relieved

relieved i wasn't vulnerable with him, and having put myself out there, he makes the same decision

yep, relieved!

although i was up for it...i had psyched myself into it, i think.....

so then, once he's gone, and in text (which of course is much easier - no doubt he was very uncomfortable during the actual talk today....) he says 'i am sorry i lead you on - it genuinely wasn't my intention'...

obviously feeling bad, and he should i guess - he did lead me on, last week there was talk of tying up his loose ends, us seeing each other etc, and the pashing....

so then he continues with his explanation....i tell him i'm sorry too and that it's his loss, and i thought there might have been something there, he says probably but timing is a bitch, i suggest to him that everything is a choice, he disagrees, and eventually (actually, didn't take that long) i just said 'i can't do this FC'....so that'll be it now....

so onwards and upwards.....i guess it will take some time to get him out of my head - doesn't REALLY help that we work together...but i'll be ok

i will, i feel ok now....

of course i'd be lying if i hadn't thought what might happen in a few months...when he's had a lot more time single (he only recently came out of a 4 year relationship)....yep, i'd be lying if i said i hadn't thought about that...trick will be not to fixate on it, and just get on with all the things i want to do this year - and there are many!

so obviously he wasn't the one for me to practice being vulnerable on?

next time!

ps the next chapter coming soon: watch this space!