so, remember all
the way back to my first posts about him? rude, arrogant, obnoxious etc...oh,
and a smoker? yep, well might have assisted me not to allow myself to become
attracted to someone who had these traits...
of course, i'm
not certain we choose who we are attracted to? in fact, i'm certain that there
is, in most instances, an unconscious or subconscious life script at work when
we move from 'knowing' someone to being 'attracted' to them...in my case, it's
not a good life script
it's essentially
one where i don't think i'm good enough, or worthy, or loveable...yep, no
guessing as to why i decide to hang my expectations onto unsuitable men...
so maybe in this
instance i really should have trusted my first impressions of this man? and
sure, there are definitely things about that i like that have come to light,
but honestly, if he thinks it's ok in the middle of a 2nd date to suggest that
it's 'convenient' that i have period pain (long story, but i had been feeling
sick all day, and a wave of pain washed over me as we were walking back to his
place from the pub) then i don't really think he is the sort of man i would
want to spend too much more time getting to know
this from a man,
who only 2 hours earlier had said he fancied me, wanted to get to know me, and
would 'tie up his loose ends'....
fuck, really? is
it possible he was intent on sleeping with me on friday night? and sure, it had
crossed my mind - i had no intention of not sleeping with him, but i was,
atypically, playing it by ear and not believing that i had to sleep with him...
fuck, how wrong
i was about him then?
so, not only was
it 'convenient' (actually it wasn't as i too had a fascination with having a
sexual relationship with him...thank god i did not) which is just downright
rude, but he has made no attempt to return any of my texts since...and it's
been two days
yep, this is NOT
the sign of someone who likes me, fancies me or wants to get to know me...
the trick now is
for me to not make it all about me, not to see it as evidence which supports my
life script of i'm not good enough or not loveable etc...
nope, i NEED to
find a way to make this about him...
maybe Bec was
right - early into the session yesterday, she said (and apologised for doing
so) that he was a player...
yep, well, she
might be right...and one thing for sure, is that i am so not up for being with
someone like that
as evidenced by
the overwhelming despair i have experienced since i left him on friday
evening...even as i was in the cab and 'should' have felt happy (maybe, on
reflection i didn't because of the convenient comment, which at the time, i
didn't even question him on - that seems like an opportunity i should have
taken - might have provided some clarity about what his ACTUAL intentions
were...)
oh well, so i'm
sad, i'm angry, i'm disappointed, i'm wondering how shitful it will be to face
him at work on Tuesday in the absence of him behaving like a grown up and
actually calling me before then (he won't)...and sure, i'm holding out that he
will, but that just seems futile really...
sooo there you
have it! over before it even got a chance to get off the ground....and sure, if
i'd slept with him it might have gone on for a little while longer, but at
least (and this is small consolation given how i feel right now) i have my
dignity....
small mercies ey?
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