this is so NOT
how i wanted my sunday to be....
short of ringing
him and saying 'we need to talk', what else is there for me to do but ride it
out?
i figure that
the ball is firmly in his court now....and yes, i hate that, i hate that more
than i can even verbalise, but now is not the time to give in (again...),
nope, now is the time to find some inner strength.....
of course it's
entirely possible his phone has died (i don't believe that for a milli
second!), or he's incapacitated (i don't believe that either)....
and see this is
where the mind fuck starts....the 'what if's'? what if i'd behaved differently,
what if i'd been more open with my feelings, what if i'd stayed the night (that
was never gonna happen), what if i hadn't gone into my head and verbalised more
(i wasn't up to it on friday, and why should i not be me?)
what annoys me
is that he told me friday he liked me, he fancied me, that he couldn't 'see' a
girl who drove a bad car (after asking me what i drove)....all of these things
indicate he likes me, yes?
and then this? i
can understand no contact if he's working through his thoughts and feelings and
not wanting to appear to keen, but i simply do not get his not responding to a
text of mine - that is just plain rude! not like i should be surprised, really,
shouldn't be....
since the whole
'attraction' thing started when i noticed he was rude! that is just (sorry to
be so rude) fucked up, on so many levels...how is that i find someone rude
attractive? or even interesting, or intriguing? i just don't get that at all...
and this might
be one of those patterns? maybe i thought i could fix him? (Sal and I had that
conversation when i first mentioned him during therapy)...and sure there IS
more to him than meets the eye, there are non work personal traits that i quite
like...but really, i think it's time for me to really really seriously evaluate
what it is i think i like about this man...
because i don't
like how i'm feeling now, i don't like that he randomly drops out of
conversations, i don't like that he doesn't respond to texts (and as he is
sometimes very responsive, this is an inconsistency)....
nope, i'm not a
happy bunny today! the walk/run helped, temporarily....a good cry helped,
temporarily, listening to my music and trying to write will help...
but the sad
truth of it all is, i am tired, i had a passing thought this morning that i
really don't want to continue in this vain....and i'm not attempting melodrama,
but i'm tired, i'm so very tired of my stuff getting in the way of what i want,
it seems no matter how much work i do, an adult/equal relationship feels no
closer and i'm 43, 43 for fucks sake. i'm tired of being on my own
i'm so tired,
for a fleeting moment this morning i contemplated what it might be like to not
have to wake up again...
honestly, it was
appealing.....
so, music and
writing and Tangle to look forward to tonight...let's hope that helps
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