and honestly i
think that's what FC was...an addiction! was? who am i kidding, not like i've kicked the habit yet....so he is:
- an addiction to someone showing an interest in me
- an addiction related to the patterns of my past (thanks Chris, not!)
- an addiction to wanting to be loved, by the wrong sort of man
- an addiction to that rush, the chase, the challenge
yep, i'm pretty
sure the universe sent him along to test me! and for the first time in a long
long long long time, i reckon i'm a lot closer to passing this test! and sure,
the universe would forgive me if i didn't, if i succumbed, if i gave in, but i
doubt i would forgive myself...
i have come so
very far in the last few years - hours of reflection and therapy and struggle
to find what it is i want...
and i am certain
that FC is not it: from the get go i found him awkward and rude. i
remember being stuck next to him at a launch (this was 6 December, so not all
that long ago...) and he stank of cigarettes (i mentioned he smoked right? a LOT,
which i detest as a habit...), i recall discussing his rudeness with one of my
staff members and after so many discussions we named him 'northern
bastard'...so how is it I can go from that to liking him? he is rude in
emails, he doesn't respond to some text messages, he randomly drops out of
conversations....and yet, there is something there
seriously? i
must be very very broken, or he must have found a button to push (yes, that's
likely), or i was bored and lonely and he got me on a bad day...or it must be
chemistry...
but chemistry
doesn't last...does it? well, maybe it does when it is genuine chemistry, but
chemistry which is simply the familiar pull of 30 years of dysfunctional
patterns, nope, that cannot last...unless i choose it to...
so i'm not naive
enough to think that after 1 day of facing him at work (admittedly the first
time is always the worst), and now 26.5 hours of non personal communication
that i won't be tempted again tomorrow, that in a moment of tiredness,
weakness, boredom i won't feel that all familiar pull and want to 'move
towards' him...
nope, i'm not
that naive, nor so unaware of my patterns, which given they have been operating
for 30 years are ingrained and hard to shift...
but what i have
this time is 'awareness', yep, and my hope is that it's going to help me come
through this one...
so earlier when
i was so desperate to send him a text (i guess you could liken it to needing a
fix), instead i just made myself concentrate on 'what' was making me want to
move...so rather than doing it, i just thought about it...and you know what: i
didn't end up sending a text!
and i know that
for some of you this will sound trivial and downright pathetic, but for me,
this is a huge step and i am very pleased with myself...
so, in a further
attempt to ensure there are no texts easily sent in a moment of weakness, i
have removed him from my contacts! and sure i'll recognise any text from him (i
do after all, remember the last 3 digits of his number) but it would be
something of a chore (admittedly not a big one, but a chore all the same) to
dig out his number to re-enter it and then send a text...
kind of like
'stop'n'grow' for nail biters - figure if you have to do more work than normal,
you might give up?
anyway, so i
digressed...seems me being attracted to men who DO NOT DESERVE someone as
wonderful as me is my addiction...
good thing is,
now i know it, i can surely work to change it!
so, wish me
luck! wish me luck that i stay resolved, wish me luck that even if FC comes
back with a vengeance to pursue me i have the strength to resist...
coz i am
attracted to him, and there is chemistry, but i can't for the life of me
articulate 'what' it is about him that i like, and that is simply not
healthy...
next stop: write
a list!
ha ha ha!
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