i knew i

was broken, and i guess this feeling is all too familiar, but i really had no idea just how disabling it is...

why is this stuff so bloody hard for me? rhetorical question, as of course i know the answer, but still, i'm struggling...

it's times like these that kind of re-affirm my fear that i will never manage to get past the initial phases of a relationship, and sure sure, there is evidence to suggest i will, but they weren't the right relationships...

i guess what i'm looking for is some evidence that i will be able to move into an equal and adult relationship...i thought not staying and not sleeping with him was a good move for me, and whilst i am not doubting that, i'm wondering if that has sent him a signal that i'm not interested...

couldn't be more wrong really...but i guess, if he is going to give up at the first bump (if he sees this as a bump), or if he's not willing to do any of the work...that may be harsh, but i do seem to have had to do a fair bit of prodding - and whether that's because he's concerned about the work thing (I am too, especially now where radio silence seems to be in play and i will have to see him Tuesday) or not sure how i feel, honestly, i guess it doesn't matter

in my old fashioned, traditional girl way i want to know that he is willing to chase me, to pursue me, without me having to prod or prompt him - and sure, I know that may not be how things are always done these days, but hey, i'm 43, he's 38 so this is how things were done when we both started dating, in the good old days...

and, and this is so so important for me, i need to know that he likes me

i have spent my entire life chasing men, hoping they would reciprocate, looking for their approval and their love, looking in all the wrong places and i just don't want to do that anymore...

and sure, where i am right now feels crap, i feel beaten, i feel broken, i feel so unsure of myself, unsure of where he's at, wondering why the 'sarah' i know myself to be seems to have left the building, unsure why i am letting this get to me so much and ruin a long weekend, wondering why why why

on the plus side: i am so so aware of all of these patterns this time...usually i'm not! and i'm not convinced that makes it any better, more bearable, less painful, but still, surely it's better than ignorance...

it is right?