that's what hit
me as i left work today....(well it was thursday when i started writing this,
but seems just as relevant now)
this is gonna
be a difficult post to write...
it's gonna
sound probably crazy to those of you who think yourselves normal and for me, as
with all posts that are difficult to pen, my hope is that in the midst of
writing it i have something of an epiphany, or even an insight...
sooo here
goes..
i've known this
on some level for a long time i guess, but only now, when i actually like
someone, have i realised how much my mistrust of men gets in the way...
so last night,
on date # 2 with FC, i think that maybe, just maybe, i wasn't expressive enough
about how i was feeling, about what i wanted? of course, i'm not exactly sure,
since we were quite drunk so my memory isn't as detailed as it might ordinarily
be...
but still, by
the time he dropped me to a cab, i sensed a shift - and maybe it was nothing,
maybe we were both just over tired, maybe he was disappointed (he had in fact
suggested he was going to bed, and was i staying, i declined), we had earlier
had the 'conversation' about where things might go (at his instigation...turned
out ok i guess, in fact it turned out well but yet i got in the cab and just
didn't feel like things were right...)
fuck! i am so
messed up - seems i can hold it all together until there is someone on the
scene and then it all seems to go royally to shit! so let me recap the date,
just so i have it all straight in my mind...
he picks me up
(i like this about him), we get in car to head to his side of town and he
suggests we go to a pub to watch the Bulldogs (nice, i like that too! although
they got beaten...), we drop car off, walk to pub, chat, drink, watch the
footy, eventually move on to have 'the conversation'...it is a strained
conversation, obviously not easy for either of us, and because i've previously
run away in my head with how i think it's going to go, i'm disappointed...
basically it
seems as though he's telling me all the reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea,
asking me what 'i've got going on?' (nothing of course, why else would i be out
on a date with him!), tells me whilst he is not 'seeing anyone' he's basically
having sex with someone and he's not keen to have a serious relationship...
i really don't
know what to say to all of this so basically go into my head (i do this when
i'm thinking)...he tells me i look unhappy, i tell him it's not how i thought
it would pan out, and then he kisses me...not just a kiss but a pash (nice one
too!)....
then we
reconvene, he tells me he's not keen to give up the other thing, i tell him
that won't work for me if we are to move forward, he says he knows that....and
then, says he'll tie up some loose ends
at this point,
i should have been jumping for joy! right? but i wasn't...what happened instead
is that i got terribly terribly afraid....
i probably went
quiet! then we left, and again as we are standing outside the pub he kisses me
(again a pash) - all of this after we've agreed on 2 things: 1) if it all goes
pear-shaped we won't be vindictive or mean to each other at work and 2)
ultimate discretion
so feeling a
wee bit exposed (pashing on the corner of a street in his suburb, where we know
other work colleagues live) seems a bit less than 'ultimate discretion'....
we walk to the
main drag, pick up dinner, walk back to his, somewhere in all of this i recall
a further pash, we eat dinner, watch a movie, watch some comedy, there is no
pashing back at his (kissing yes, pashing no), we cuddle on couch, and then he
announced at 11.30 odd that he's going to bed, and 'what am i doing?'...
a part of me
wanted to go to bed with him, another didn't, and so knowing i wouldn't sleep,
had a reasonably busy day today, i declined...sure, i guess if i look at it
from his perspective, he may be left wondering if i like him? if he's gone out
on a limb and i haven't reciprocated....
and maybe
that's true, but not because i don't want to...and here's the problem! i am a
loving, caring, soft, romantic and emotional person, but for some reason, none
of those things seemed present last night, with FC, a man i do like...
in the midst of
the 'conversation' he asked me why i liked him, and i said i don't know, i just
do - and that's true enough...i think (well i hope) i told him that i liked
him, and that i'd like to get to know him some more...amazingly, he did most of
the talking (yes, surprised me too) - he was articulate, quite clear and the
whole thing felt very grown up...this is not normal for me, so perhaps i was
too stunned to actually bring out the stuff i wanted to...
fuck! i am so
broken, honestly - and today i have spent almost the entire day wondering why
he hasn't texted, why he hasn't called, maybe he's changed his mind, maybe i've
blown it etc
and it's
killing me! honestly i just have not developed a coping mechanism for this
stuff...and sure, i know it all stems back to my mistrust of men, and Chris, fucking
Chris....
so eventually,
at 8.06pm i send him a text 'er...hello' and nothing! yep, i know he does this
(this non responding shit) and you know what? i just cannot deal with it at
all...
and am i
annoyed i gave in and texted him, yeah, sure a little bit, but that pales into
insignificance when i realise how broken i am and just how far i have to go,
and sure Sal said some of the healing may be done whilst i'm in relationship,
but i just don't know how...
i'd really like
to believe her, but i don't...
i feel, frankly,
miserable! miserable that the actions of a 13 year old boy, some 30 years ago,
have meant that i can't trust men, that i don't believe i'm worth a good
relationship, that i'm not attractive to a man unless i sleep with him, and god
knows how many other beliefs, which are just not working for me...
i'm tired,
honestly, i'm exhausted...i so dearly want to be in a relationship and yet, the
beginning of relationships (where there is inevitably so much anxiety and
uncertainty) basically takes me all the way back to that day and feeling so
worthless, so unattractive and so fundamentally broken...
and this is why
relationships are so hard for me...if he hasn't decided it's all too hard
(which i guess he may have) then i wonder if i will be able to be vulnerable
enough to say what i want to him:
i like you, i'd
like to get to know you....do i tell him i'm so terrified of getting hurt that
he needs to give me some time so he can see the real me?
do i? no i
don't think so...if he hasn't already run a mile, surely that would be the
icing on the cake? would it not?
and to top it
all off, the blog has had to go semi private, and looks like going completely
private before too long...
anyway, enough
is enough
i'm tired, i'm
exhausted, i'm sad, i'm scared, i'm terrified (not sure whether i'm more
terrified he will come back or won't) and i just wish things were different,
with me, for me...
nite x
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