the end of the day is always...

easier than the start for me...this is something i noticed after Ben and I had split and when my business wasn't as busy...

so the emotional roller coaster of day has ended a bit better than it started - a bit more even and i feel a bit less dismantled...

i've spent the day largely reflecting on the patterns of my life in relationship, and i can't say that has been enjoyable or pleasant, but perhaps useful...

i'm exhausted, i'm hungry (tend not to eat when i'm so distressed!) and i'm close to crawling into bed...

so, despite my best efforts at no contact with FC, i couldn't do it! i texted him a simple 'hello' lastnight, no response...somewhat incredulous this morning i followed up with 'really?'...still nothing...then when i was so mad i could not hold it in any longer i went with 'we seem to be in radio silence...you gonna talk to me or not?', nope still nothing, so then i called, knowing he wouldn't pick up to ask if we could talk before tuesday morning...

yes, that would be tuesday morning at work! and maybe herein lies a lesson...perhaps it was naive of me to even think about entertaining a relationship with someone at work? of course, i still reckon you can't choose who you like and that a great number of people meet their partners at work...

so Bec told me he liked me and wanted to get to know me...evidence doesn't point to that...

Kirst called tonight (gee i miss her) and as i replayed the story to her, she told me to try and not write him off as he may be working out a whole stack of his own stuff - and sure i get that, but his not returning texts, no matter, what he's working through is just bad form (her words, but i agree)....

so, sure i don't feel quite so bad as i did this morning....but i'm not sure if i'll be able to help myself when it comes to writing him off...even as i type this i can feel that well used defence mechanism falling into place...

time will tell! doesn't it always?