actually, i'm hurt...

and this is not something i admit easily...well, sure it has gotten easier, but it's always something i have been afraid to say

guess that stems back to my childhood? 

so, actually, i'm hurt...and confused, and wondering if we are ever going have a conversation....i suspect not, and i guess the part of me that was resolved last night and certain that he was not someone i wanted to have a relationship with knows there won't be a conversation, nor felt the need for one, having largely come to her own decision...but she is gone tonight....in her place is the sarah who doesn't like ambiguity, who doesn't like things 'left undone'....

hmmmm

and then there's some added confusion....so this morning, no sooner than i sit down at work, he calls to ask me if i have 10 minutes

my heart skipped a beat - i thought, for a second, that maybe he intended having the conversation at work - fuck! of course not, as i doubt he even thinks there is a conversation to be had....

so i ask him when, he says now, and then tells me he's coming over

i felt sick! honestly, i felt sick....

turns out he wanted some advice for a football mate...something IR thing! 

seems funny though that i had no sooner sat down than he calls? as if he'd been waiting for me to turn up - and not like he could be such a good friend that he'd actually be 'hanging out' to ask for some information to pass on...nah! and he could have asked any of my team, all of whom are far better at the stuff he asked than me...

then, later in the day he sends me a text about one of his staff...i am so proud of myself! i deleted it before even responding....

so here's how i feel tonight:

• confused
• a little sad
• hurt, yep, it's true, i'm hurt
• disappointed
• struggling not to make contact
• missing the flirting of the last few months
• wondering if there will be a conversation to close things off
• wondering if i'll like whatever conversation there might be
• tired

on the flip side, a couple of good things happened and work and when i saw my boss late in the day she said 'you are kicking some goals, well done'...nice! 

so, it's bed for me so i can ensure i can get through another day at work...mental note to self: really think seriously about whether to consider a relationship with someone at work...

nite x