giving up just isn't that easy...

true, i am really struggling with having to give this blog up, and sure, i haven't exactly given it up, but it's gone private, for one, and i've started the new one to keep my identity (and his) a secret, but i miss it...

it's hard to give up something that feels like an extension of yourself

kind of like breaking up with someone you love, yes, that's it: that's exactly how it feels...

but one day i know we will be reunited! in the meantime, there's the other one!

nite
x

shame really...

that this blog had to go private...

for over 4 years it has been my friend, my rock, my staff...through good times and bad, and there were plenty of both in the last 4 years...

shame, yep real shame! and just as i was nearing 10,000 views!

one day, when i am no longer working for someone else, yes, then i will revert to having a blog that isn't entirely  secret....

until then, i have a new page - it's harder to find, but leaves me less at risk of being identified!

i hope!

nite xx

turns out, it didn't need to be said....

so, following a text of his last night where he 'flagged' i wasn't going to be happy with his decision, i wasn't overly optimistic about how today was going to go...

hopeful yes, deluded no!

so, basically he says that he's done a lot of thinking and even though things are essentially the same as last weekend, he just isn't ready to be in a relationship, and he thinks the 'work' thing is a problem (can't disagree with him there)....

so that's it! no need for me to get vulnerable, for me to articulate what i want, for even though he said he hadn't made up his mind, he clearly had...he almost jokingly said 'better now than in 4 months right?', and yes, i couldn't disagree with that

i guess i'm pleased he was able to be honest with me....i'm pleased i truly believe that this has nothing to do with me...not like we're not still attracted to each other...

part of me feels sad

another part disappointed

another part relieved

relieved i wasn't vulnerable with him, and having put myself out there, he makes the same decision

yep, relieved!

although i was up for it...i had psyched myself into it, i think.....

so then, once he's gone, and in text (which of course is much easier - no doubt he was very uncomfortable during the actual talk today....) he says 'i am sorry i lead you on - it genuinely wasn't my intention'...

obviously feeling bad, and he should i guess - he did lead me on, last week there was talk of tying up his loose ends, us seeing each other etc, and the pashing....

so then he continues with his explanation....i tell him i'm sorry too and that it's his loss, and i thought there might have been something there, he says probably but timing is a bitch, i suggest to him that everything is a choice, he disagrees, and eventually (actually, didn't take that long) i just said 'i can't do this FC'....so that'll be it now....

so onwards and upwards.....i guess it will take some time to get him out of my head - doesn't REALLY help that we work together...but i'll be ok

i will, i feel ok now....

of course i'd be lying if i hadn't thought what might happen in a few months...when he's had a lot more time single (he only recently came out of a 4 year relationship)....yep, i'd be lying if i said i hadn't thought about that...trick will be not to fixate on it, and just get on with all the things i want to do this year - and there are many!

so obviously he wasn't the one for me to practice being vulnerable on?

next time!

ps the next chapter coming soon: watch this space!

nervous just

doesn't begin to describe how i am feeling right now...

so FC is arriving in 10 minutes and today we actually have to talk...

no more of this 'missing each other' shit, we actually have to talk and get on the same page...

and the thought of having to be vulnerable and tell him what i want is making me sick...almost physically

i'm so challenged by this stuff...

of course, i've got to do it, otherwise i'll never end up in a relationship but seriously...

not a happy little camper...

a mixed bag

of emotions tonight...

so he tells me his mind isn't made up, but confused

tells me it's same same but different

really! I'm supposed to understand that?
tells me I better have thought about what I want....I have!

is coming round tomorrow and we will talk

but says I may not be happy with what he's got to say...

hmmm, what to make of that?

well test is really for me to say what I want...I can't control what he says but I can control what I say

when I tell him I'm pretty clear but found it hard to be vulnerable with him, he says '99% of our issues outlined right there'...

left wondering if my actions have left him more confused than his actions left me?

surely not...?

so, yep, mixed bag: excited, intrigued, nervous...wondering!

time will tell I guess....

hmmm think i acted too quickly...

or maybe just not liking the response i just got when i called him on a work matter...

yep i got the standard FC response - to the point, no social niceties...does my head in!

anyway, managed to get over it, but did spend some part of the afternoon really questioning what it is i want...and honestly, i'm not sure!

so maybe i didn't act too quickly! nope, can't be 2nd guessing myself coz when i texted him to say i wanted to sort things out, i wanted to, i felt like it and it felt right...so no point going back over that decision and pulling it apart...

it is what it is!

so maybe the question in all of this is this: can i deal with his work persona? can i not take his behaviour personally? if we 'move forward' will i be able to keep them separate?

not sure i know the answer, question is: am i willing to try?

dunno, honestly, i don't know....

pondering!

trying out something new...

yep, i'm trying it out...seeing how it feels, seeing if i can learn to like it...

so in an attempt to move into the emotionally expressive me on saturday with FC, i started tonight...he started up the texting (i love that he uses a work thing to connect...think it's kinda cute actually!) i ended it with 'looking fwd to saturday x'...

and of course i'm wondering if there will be a response, but does there need to be? sure, it would be nice if he said 'looking forward to it too'....but the lesson for me here is to feel comfortable to express myself, even if there is nothing coming back...

seems kinda simple, but i guess years of not putting myself out there, years of hiding behind my tough veneer, years of being too afraid of not being liked or approved of, yep, they've all contributed to this anxiety about putting something out there...

but really? what have i got to lose?

so, i feel better, i feel more me, there is less likelihood of me being misunderstood surely, by being myself? and i'm going to try really really hard not to read anything into a non response...i'm going to try and challenge all those beliefs (which are CLEARLY not working for me)...

you know: he obviously doesn't like me because he hasn't responded...doh! maybe he read it, smiled and it warmed his heart? of course i can't see that, but maybe it's true? maybe he's a bit taken aback because he has only seen the veneer until now? maybe he's asleep and hasn't read it...maybe he doesn't know what to say, or maybe, just maybe, none of this matters and the important thing is that in the moment when i sent it, it's what i wanted to say to him...maybe that's all it has to be?

so, i AM looking fwd to saturday!

was i too fast....

too fast to make contact? 

hmmm not entirely sure

so last night was difficult, i felt really really hurt, disappointed, sad etc and i realised that what i had done (which is my typical way of dealing with this stuff) is to assume it was over, decide i didn't want to be with him, and try and put it behind me...

but you know what? i wonder if that is what this lesson is about? perhaps it's about attempting vulnerability, attempting to be intimate, and not doing all of the things i usually do...i.e. not just letting my old patterns and defences takes over, unless they are of my choosing...and not running away when it gets too hard (yes, i accused him of that the other day, but really, not like i'd handled it any differently)

so this morning, after a decent sleep, i texted Leah to see if she was free this weekend...i miss her, we haven't seen much of each other in recent times and i miss her...not thinking she would have her phone on (as it wasn't yet 7am...eek!), she called me and we chatted for nearly 40 minutes...

i gave her the update post sunday, which is the last time i spoke to her, and she gave me her very 't' view of how he might be feeling, what he might be thinking and how my behaviour might have impacted him...of course, as we do, i have spent almost all of the time looking at how his behaviour impacted me, and sure, i've given some thought to the fact that i wasn't the 'me' i wanted to be, and been disappointed in myself, but i hadn't really thought about what message/s it might have sent to him...

and then i gave some thought to if i really wanted it to be over, or whether or not i could try something different...

so after much contemplation i sent him a text 'hey....i've thought a lot about Friday and seems there was a lot said, a whole lot more not said, mixed messages and resulting confusion all round...remember i said to you that i think we 'miss' each other sometimes? That's what happened Friday I think...I'd really like a chance to sort it out with you....S'

of course, this was relatively high risk for me...figuring, with his penchant for disappearing, or not answering, i may be left hanging out there...but i was willing to take the risk, thinking that just because he might want to play games or ignore his feelings, i don't...i was ready to be honest about what i wanted and so sent it...

funny then, when you expect the least, or the worst, and you are surprised - or is it just me that happens to?

so i get an immediate response, and consequently we are catching up saturday....i have a lot of prep to do! not in terms of who to be - i know that - i want to be me, the caring, kind, me i know myself to be when i am not hiding behind my veneer...no, the prep is getting myself ready to show him that side of me...so that there is no chance he doesn't know what i'm feeling (and not like i'm going to give it all away, but i want him to be clear)....

sooo perhaps another chapter will be written, perhaps i'll get some practice at being vulnerable, perhaps he'll get to see me, the me i want him to see, perhaps there'll be more pashing (god i hope so, i seriously enjoyed that)....perhaps!

just sayin'

ps i love my sister....shared something with her tonight that i felt needed to be shared...consequently i feel lighter! i think there is merit in letting people see the real you (mental note to remember this when next with FC....)

actually, i'm hurt...

and this is not something i admit easily...well, sure it has gotten easier, but it's always something i have been afraid to say

guess that stems back to my childhood? 

so, actually, i'm hurt...and confused, and wondering if we are ever going have a conversation....i suspect not, and i guess the part of me that was resolved last night and certain that he was not someone i wanted to have a relationship with knows there won't be a conversation, nor felt the need for one, having largely come to her own decision...but she is gone tonight....in her place is the sarah who doesn't like ambiguity, who doesn't like things 'left undone'....

hmmmm

and then there's some added confusion....so this morning, no sooner than i sit down at work, he calls to ask me if i have 10 minutes

my heart skipped a beat - i thought, for a second, that maybe he intended having the conversation at work - fuck! of course not, as i doubt he even thinks there is a conversation to be had....

so i ask him when, he says now, and then tells me he's coming over

i felt sick! honestly, i felt sick....

turns out he wanted some advice for a football mate...something IR thing! 

seems funny though that i had no sooner sat down than he calls? as if he'd been waiting for me to turn up - and not like he could be such a good friend that he'd actually be 'hanging out' to ask for some information to pass on...nah! and he could have asked any of my team, all of whom are far better at the stuff he asked than me...

then, later in the day he sends me a text about one of his staff...i am so proud of myself! i deleted it before even responding....

so here's how i feel tonight:

• confused
• a little sad
• hurt, yep, it's true, i'm hurt
• disappointed
• struggling not to make contact
• missing the flirting of the last few months
• wondering if there will be a conversation to close things off
• wondering if i'll like whatever conversation there might be
• tired

on the flip side, a couple of good things happened and work and when i saw my boss late in the day she said 'you are kicking some goals, well done'...nice! 

so, it's bed for me so i can ensure i can get through another day at work...mental note to self: really think seriously about whether to consider a relationship with someone at work...

nite x

waves of weakness...

yes, it comes in waves...

the weakness, the desire to give in...

nope, not doing it!

not!

oh, and whilst i'm on the soapbox...

i just thought of something else!

so, i was beating myself up on the weekend for not being able to 'be' my true self (or the self i wanted to be with him) and thinking that was because there is something wrong with me?

well, actually, maybe it was, subconsciously a protection, so that i didn't allow him to see the real me, maybe i didn't want him to? maybe i wasn't ready to share that 'sarah' with him, after all, what had he done to deserve that?

other than told me that having period pain was 'convenient' and getting cranky when i wouldn't stay...yep, maybe he wasn't meant to see that side of me....

something to ponder there!  it never occurred to me that i might need to feel safe enough, comfortable enough to let my veneer down....well, of course it occurred to me, it just didn't occur to me on Sunday in the midst of my melt down...

shame, really, might have helped me!

anyway, meltdown over! recovery phase, recovery phase well and truly underway...

oh and thanks to my lovely neighbour Fiona, who reminded me that 'chemistry' is not enough....thanks love x

like a bandaid....

right off! it's the only way (that i know anyway) to beat an addiction...

and honestly i think that's what FC was...an addiction! was? who am i kidding, not like i've kicked the habit yet....so he is:

• an addiction to someone showing an interest in me
• an addiction related to the patterns of my past (thanks Chris, not!)
• an addiction to wanting to be loved, by the wrong sort of man
• an addiction to that rush, the chase, the challenge

yep, i'm pretty sure the universe sent him along to test me! and for the first time in a long long long long time, i reckon i'm a lot closer to passing this test! and sure, the universe would forgive me if i didn't, if i succumbed, if i gave in, but i doubt i would forgive myself...

i have come so very far in the last few years - hours of reflection and therapy and struggle to find what it is i want...

and i am certain that FC is not it: from the get go i found him awkward and rude.  i remember being stuck next to him at a launch (this was 6 December, so not all that long ago...) and he stank of cigarettes (i mentioned he smoked right? a LOT, which i detest as a habit...), i recall discussing his rudeness with one of my staff members and after so many discussions we named him 'northern bastard'...so how is it I can go from that to liking him? he is rude in emails, he doesn't respond to some text messages, he randomly drops out of conversations....and yet, there is something there

seriously? i must be very very broken, or he must have found a button to push (yes, that's likely), or i was bored and lonely and he got me on a bad day...or it must be chemistry...

but chemistry doesn't last...does it? well, maybe it does when it is genuine chemistry, but chemistry which is simply the familiar pull of 30 years of dysfunctional patterns, nope, that cannot last...unless i choose it to...

so i'm not naive enough to think that after 1 day of facing him at work (admittedly the first time is always the worst), and now 26.5 hours of non personal communication that i won't be tempted again tomorrow, that in a moment of tiredness, weakness, boredom i won't feel that all familiar pull and want to 'move towards' him...

nope, i'm not that naive, nor so unaware of my patterns, which given they have been operating for 30 years are ingrained and hard to shift...

but what i have this time is 'awareness', yep, and my hope is that it's going to help me come through this one...

so earlier when i was so desperate to send him a text (i guess you could liken it to needing a fix), instead i just made myself concentrate on 'what' was making me want to move...so rather than doing it, i just thought about it...and you know what: i didn't end up sending a text! 

and i know that for some of you this will sound trivial and downright pathetic, but for me, this is a huge step and i am very pleased with myself...

so, in a further attempt to ensure there are no texts easily sent in a moment of weakness, i have removed him from my contacts! and sure i'll recognise any text from him (i do after all, remember the last 3 digits of his number) but it would be something of a chore (admittedly not a big one, but a chore all the same) to dig out his number to re-enter it and then send a text...

kind of like 'stop'n'grow' for nail biters - figure if you have to do more work than normal, you might give up?

anyway, so i digressed...seems me being attracted to men who DO NOT DESERVE someone as wonderful as me is my addiction...

good thing is, now i know it, i can surely work to change it!

so, wish me luck! wish me luck that i stay resolved, wish me luck that even if FC comes back with a vengeance to pursue me i have the strength to resist...

coz i am attracted to him, and there is chemistry, but i can't for the life of me articulate 'what' it is about him that i like, and that is simply not healthy...

next stop: write a list!

ha ha ha!

struggling...

and yes, i'm tired....

but i am really struggling! it's very hard not to make contact with him...

but i was pleasant when i saw him at work (albeit briefly in the corridor)...i smiled and said hi, he said hi (i think) and looked sheepish....

however, we have progress! 25 hours on and i have not initiated any non work related contact...

very proud of self :-)

perhaps, this is the very reason he has appeared? so that i can kick this addiction/habit/pattern once and for all? and whilst i don't like to be so cold/clinical as to think of him as a practice run/experiment....well, maybe he is?

after all, he's the one who appeared to get cranky when i wouldn't shag him! so what do i care?

i do actually, but as someone pointed out to me today - there has to be more than chemistry...

and you know what? there isn't that much! sure i have a fascination in getting to know more about him (that's the coach/therapist in me), i am intrigued he can be so rude, he's shown an interest in me...yes, all of these are true, but these are not things about HIM that i like - they are just things!

so, i think i'm going to do a list of all the things i like (may not take long!)....and a list of the things i don't like (this list will be much easier and of course started some time ago)....

soo, the struggle has gotten easier as the day has gone on...yay me for not giving in! yay yay yay!

confused as well...

so, maybe the bff's are right! so tonight, just before 6pm he sends me a text (admittedly this is not one of those texts that is going to light my world on fire or send any message about how he might feel about me)

the text is not worthy of documenting - it was, as is his wont, rude, direct, and frankly dismissive - it could have said fuck off and that may have been clearer


but i'm going to document it, so that in times ahead i don't forget how rude it was: 'i like to be off the radar whilst on holiday - talk to you tomorrow'...really? wouldn't 'fuck off' have been more like it...how dismissive, sounds like he's talking to a work colleague he has no interest in talking to....:(

i respond telling him i'm confused and he says 'confused as well'...

so maybe the consensus is right? maybe it's not over yet? maybe there is to be another chapter after all...

now, i need to work out what i want!

to my bff's who listened today (you know who you are) - thank you xx mwah

so, the consensus of the various bff's

is that he's gone into his head and that this whole thing isn't over...?

not sure i believe that, not even for a milli second...sure, i'd like to! i'd like to believe that what he said to me before 'that's convenient' was genuine, and that he does really like me and want to get to know me, but his behaviour is just not backing that up...

and that's what i'm afraid of, that he's going to walk away before it really had a chance, and that i am going to feel like a failure...

of course, i could examine 'why i feel like a failure' and more than examine it, could question it, challenge it? but that seems like a lot of effort for someone who has literally spent the last 2 days struggling with period pain (bad too as it's the first period in over 3 months), lack of response from someone i thought i had a nice 2nd date with, a review of almost every pattern i have in relationship (man, was that tiring) and doubts of the worst kind about the sort of person i am...

so hopeless seems like a strong word, but yesterday, i really did feel hopeless, meaning 'without hope'...

today, not so much! i feel much more my old self, sarah (as i know her) has made a comeback, a nice day with the bff (and the offer of dinner and a sleepover at hers, which i'm unsure yet if i'm accepting), and calls with other bff's (yes, i have a few...i'm lucky that way!) have helped...

incidentally, NONE of them think it's over! Kirst thinks he's just being a bloke, Sara, thinks he's being rude and a dickhead, but she's not sure there isn't another chapter to follow, and Leah thinks he's found out where i'm at and now that he knows, is in his head trying to work it all out...

and sure, there's the work issue - that's a BIG issue for us both

and sure, i didn't sleep with him Friday night, and that seemed to be an issue for him and sure, there's the matter of his non responsiveness which he already knows drives me crazy

what else would you read into his behaviour?

anyway, good thing is, i've regained some of my typical 'balance' and will be making no further contact towards him - the ball is well and truly in his court...so, now it's just about putting myself back together, thanking the universe for the opportunity to review ALL of my patterns in one day (exhausting, soul destroying, don't really want to have to do that again), and working out how i hold it all together at work tomorrow...

so only question remains is this: do i hope the consensus of my bff's is right? 

of course i do...i don't believe they will be right (and that's my defence mechanism stepping in). but honestly i do...

the end of the day is always...

easier than the start for me...this is something i noticed after Ben and I had split and when my business wasn't as busy...

so the emotional roller coaster of day has ended a bit better than it started - a bit more even and i feel a bit less dismantled...

i've spent the day largely reflecting on the patterns of my life in relationship, and i can't say that has been enjoyable or pleasant, but perhaps useful...

i'm exhausted, i'm hungry (tend not to eat when i'm so distressed!) and i'm close to crawling into bed...

so, despite my best efforts at no contact with FC, i couldn't do it! i texted him a simple 'hello' lastnight, no response...somewhat incredulous this morning i followed up with 'really?'...still nothing...then when i was so mad i could not hold it in any longer i went with 'we seem to be in radio silence...you gonna talk to me or not?', nope still nothing, so then i called, knowing he wouldn't pick up to ask if we could talk before tuesday morning...

yes, that would be tuesday morning at work! and maybe herein lies a lesson...perhaps it was naive of me to even think about entertaining a relationship with someone at work? of course, i still reckon you can't choose who you like and that a great number of people meet their partners at work...

so Bec told me he liked me and wanted to get to know me...evidence doesn't point to that...

Kirst called tonight (gee i miss her) and as i replayed the story to her, she told me to try and not write him off as he may be working out a whole stack of his own stuff - and sure i get that, but his not returning texts, no matter, what he's working through is just bad form (her words, but i agree)....

so, sure i don't feel quite so bad as i did this morning....but i'm not sure if i'll be able to help myself when it comes to writing him off...even as i type this i can feel that well used defence mechanism falling into place...

time will tell! doesn't it always?

trusting my first impression

might be the lesson out of this situation with FC....

so, remember all the way back to my first posts about him? rude, arrogant, obnoxious etc...oh, and a smoker? yep, well might have assisted me not to allow myself to become attracted to someone who had these traits...

of course, i'm not certain we choose who we are attracted to? in fact, i'm certain that there is, in most instances, an unconscious or subconscious life script at work when we move from 'knowing' someone to being 'attracted' to them...in my case, it's not a good life script

it's essentially one where i don't think i'm good enough, or worthy, or loveable...yep, no guessing as to why i decide to hang my expectations onto unsuitable men...

so maybe in this instance i really should have trusted my first impressions of this man? and sure, there are definitely things about that i like that have come to light, but honestly, if he thinks it's ok in the middle of a 2nd date to suggest that it's 'convenient' that i have period pain (long story, but i had been feeling sick all day, and a wave of pain washed over me as we were walking back to his place from the pub) then i don't really think he is the sort of man i would want to spend too much more time getting to know

this from a man, who only 2 hours earlier had said he fancied me, wanted to get to know me, and would 'tie up his loose ends'....

fuck, really? is it possible he was intent on sleeping with me on friday night? and sure, it had crossed my mind - i had no intention of not sleeping with him, but i was, atypically, playing it by ear and not believing that i had to sleep with him...

fuck, how wrong i was about him then?

so, not only was it 'convenient' (actually it wasn't as i too had a fascination with having a sexual relationship with him...thank god i did not) which is just downright rude, but he has made no attempt to return any of my texts since...and it's been two days

yep, this is NOT the sign of someone who likes me, fancies me or wants to get to know me...

the trick now is for me to not make it all about me, not to see it as evidence which supports my life script of i'm not good enough or not loveable etc...

nope, i NEED to find a way to make this about him...

maybe Bec was right - early into the session yesterday, she said (and apologised for doing so) that he was a player...

yep, well, she might be right...and one thing for sure, is that i am so not up for being with someone like that

as evidenced by the overwhelming despair i have experienced since i left him on friday evening...even as i was in the cab and 'should' have felt happy (maybe, on reflection i didn't because of the convenient comment, which at the time, i didn't even question him on - that seems like an opportunity i should have taken - might have provided some clarity about what his ACTUAL intentions were...)

oh well, so i'm sad, i'm angry, i'm disappointed, i'm wondering how shitful it will be to face him at work on Tuesday in the absence of him behaving like a grown up and actually calling me before then (he won't)...and sure, i'm holding out that he will, but that just seems futile really...

sooo there you have it! over before it even got a chance to get off the ground....and sure, if i'd slept with him it might have gone on for a little while longer, but at least (and this is small consolation given how i feel right now) i have my dignity....

small mercies ey?

really want to be writing....

but instead i find myself in a holding pattern! fuck...

this is so NOT how i wanted my sunday to be....

short of ringing him and saying 'we need to talk', what else is there for me to do but ride it out? 

i figure that the ball is firmly in his court now....and yes, i hate that, i hate that more than i can even verbalise, but  now is not the time to give in (again...), nope, now is the time to find some inner strength.....

of course it's entirely possible his phone has died (i don't believe that for a milli second!), or he's incapacitated (i don't believe that either)....

and see this is where the mind fuck starts....the 'what if's'? what if i'd behaved differently, what if i'd been more open with my feelings, what if i'd stayed the night (that was never gonna happen), what if i hadn't gone into my head and verbalised more (i wasn't up to it on friday, and why should i not be me?)

what annoys me is that he told me friday he liked me, he fancied me, that he couldn't 'see' a girl who drove a bad car (after asking me what i drove)....all of these things indicate he likes me, yes?

and then this? i can understand no contact if he's working through his thoughts and feelings and not wanting to appear to keen, but i simply do not get his not responding to a text of mine - that is just plain rude! not like i should be surprised, really, shouldn't be....

since the whole 'attraction' thing started when i noticed he was rude! that is just (sorry to be so rude) fucked up, on so many levels...how is that i find someone rude attractive? or even interesting, or intriguing? i just don't get that at all...

and this might be one of those patterns? maybe i thought i could fix him? (Sal and I had that conversation when i first mentioned him during therapy)...and sure there IS more to him than meets the eye, there are non work personal traits that i quite like...but really, i think it's time for me to really really seriously evaluate what it is i think i like about this man...

because i don't like how i'm feeling now, i don't like that he randomly drops out of conversations, i don't like that he doesn't respond to texts (and as he is sometimes very responsive, this is an inconsistency)....

nope, i'm not a happy bunny today! the walk/run helped, temporarily....a good cry helped, temporarily, listening to my music and trying to write will help...

but the sad truth of it all is, i am tired, i had a passing thought this morning that i really don't want to continue in this vain....and i'm not attempting melodrama, but i'm tired, i'm so very tired of my stuff getting in the way of what i want, it seems no matter how much work i do, an adult/equal relationship feels no closer and i'm 43, 43 for fucks sake.  i'm tired of being on my own

i'm so tired, for a fleeting moment this morning i contemplated what it might be like to not have to wake up again...

honestly, it was appealing.....

so, music and writing and Tangle to look forward to tonight...let's hope that helps

i knew i

was broken, and i guess this feeling is all too familiar, but i really had no idea just how disabling it is...

why is this stuff so bloody hard for me? rhetorical question, as of course i know the answer, but still, i'm struggling...

it's times like these that kind of re-affirm my fear that i will never manage to get past the initial phases of a relationship, and sure sure, there is evidence to suggest i will, but they weren't the right relationships...

i guess what i'm looking for is some evidence that i will be able to move into an equal and adult relationship...i thought not staying and not sleeping with him was a good move for me, and whilst i am not doubting that, i'm wondering if that has sent him a signal that i'm not interested...

couldn't be more wrong really...but i guess, if he is going to give up at the first bump (if he sees this as a bump), or if he's not willing to do any of the work...that may be harsh, but i do seem to have had to do a fair bit of prodding - and whether that's because he's concerned about the work thing (I am too, especially now where radio silence seems to be in play and i will have to see him Tuesday) or not sure how i feel, honestly, i guess it doesn't matter

in my old fashioned, traditional girl way i want to know that he is willing to chase me, to pursue me, without me having to prod or prompt him - and sure, I know that may not be how things are always done these days, but hey, i'm 43, he's 38 so this is how things were done when we both started dating, in the good old days...

and, and this is so so important for me, i need to know that he likes me

i have spent my entire life chasing men, hoping they would reciprocate, looking for their approval and their love, looking in all the wrong places and i just don't want to do that anymore...

and sure, where i am right now feels crap, i feel beaten, i feel broken, i feel so unsure of myself, unsure of where he's at, wondering why the 'sarah' i know myself to be seems to have left the building, unsure why i am letting this get to me so much and ruin a long weekend, wondering why why why

on the plus side: i am so so aware of all of these patterns this time...usually i'm not! and i'm not convinced that makes it any better, more bearable, less painful, but still, surely it's better than ignorance...

it is right?

really? nothing...

that's what i want to say to him

so of course by last night i was beside myself, beside myself that despite everything we talked about Friday, that i didn't hear from him at all...

and sure, a lot of this is my insecurity (of course it is, i know this) but still...

i had hoped he would make contact

so when he didn't and i did, i'd hope he'd at least respond...

but no.  nothing

so is he playing games with me? is he just being rude? does he think because i didn't stay i'm not interested in him and it's over (before it's even really gotten off the ground)?

i dunno, but i know that to be in my head right now is hell, sheer hell and i don't like it

it's gonna be a long day and one where if i do manage to get out of the mire of 'i'm not good enough' thoughts, that will be a welcome relief

i have so far to go

it seems...

that's what hit me as i left work today....(well it was thursday when i started writing this, but seems just as relevant now)

this is gonna be a difficult post to write...

it's gonna sound probably crazy to those of you who think yourselves normal and for me, as with all posts that are difficult to pen, my hope is that in the midst of writing it i have something of an epiphany, or even an insight...

sooo here goes..

i've known this on some level for a long time i guess, but only now, when i actually like someone, have i realised how much my mistrust of men gets in the way...

so last night, on date # 2 with FC, i think that maybe, just maybe, i wasn't expressive enough about how i was feeling, about what i wanted? of course, i'm not exactly sure, since we were quite drunk so my memory isn't as detailed as it might ordinarily be...

but still, by the time he dropped me to a cab, i sensed a shift - and maybe it was nothing, maybe we were both just over tired, maybe he was disappointed (he had in fact suggested he was going to bed, and was i staying, i declined), we had earlier had the 'conversation' about where things might go (at his instigation...turned out ok i guess, in fact it turned out well but yet i got in the cab and just didn't feel like things were right...)

fuck! i am so messed up - seems i can hold it all together until there is someone on the scene and then it all seems to go royally to shit! so let me recap the date, just so i have it all straight in my mind...

he picks me up (i like this about him), we get in car to head to his side of town and he suggests we go to a pub to watch the Bulldogs (nice, i like that too! although they got beaten...), we drop car off, walk to pub, chat, drink, watch the footy, eventually move on to have 'the conversation'...it is a strained conversation, obviously not easy for either of us, and because i've previously run away in my head with how i think it's going to go, i'm disappointed...

basically it seems as though he's telling me all the reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea, asking me what 'i've got going on?' (nothing of course, why else would i be out on a date with him!), tells me whilst he is not 'seeing anyone' he's basically having sex with someone and he's not keen to have a serious relationship...

i really don't know what to say to all of this so basically go into my head (i do this when i'm thinking)...he tells me i look unhappy, i tell him it's not how i thought it would pan out, and then he kisses me...not just a kiss but a pash (nice one too!)....

then we reconvene, he tells me he's not keen to give up the other thing, i tell him that won't work for me if we are to move forward, he says he knows that....and then, says he'll tie up some loose ends

at this point, i should have been jumping for joy! right? but i wasn't...what happened instead is that i got terribly terribly afraid....

i probably went quiet! then we left, and again as we are standing outside the pub he kisses me (again a pash) - all of this after we've agreed on 2 things: 1) if it all goes pear-shaped we won't be vindictive or mean to each other at work and 2) ultimate discretion

so feeling a wee bit exposed (pashing on the corner of a street in his suburb, where we know other work colleagues live) seems a bit less than 'ultimate discretion'....

we walk to the main drag, pick up dinner, walk back to his, somewhere in all of this i recall a further pash, we eat dinner, watch a movie, watch some comedy, there is no pashing back at his (kissing yes, pashing no), we cuddle on couch, and then he announced at 11.30 odd that he's going to bed, and 'what am i doing?'...

a part of me wanted to go to bed with him, another didn't, and so knowing i wouldn't sleep, had a reasonably busy day today, i declined...sure, i guess if i look at it from his perspective, he may be left wondering if i like him? if he's gone out on a limb and i haven't reciprocated....

and maybe that's true, but not because i don't want to...and here's the problem! i am a loving, caring, soft, romantic and emotional person, but for some reason, none of those things seemed present last night, with FC, a man i do like...

in the midst of the 'conversation' he asked me why i liked him, and i said i don't know, i just do - and that's true enough...i think (well i hope) i told him that i liked him, and that i'd like to get to know him some more...amazingly, he did most of the talking (yes, surprised me too) - he was articulate, quite clear and the whole thing felt very grown up...this is not normal for me, so perhaps i was too stunned to actually bring out the stuff i wanted to...

fuck! i am so broken, honestly - and today i have spent almost the entire day wondering why he hasn't texted, why he hasn't called, maybe he's changed his mind, maybe i've blown it etc

and it's killing me! honestly i just have not developed a coping mechanism for this stuff...and sure, i know it all stems back to my mistrust of men, and Chris, fucking Chris....

so eventually, at 8.06pm i send him a text 'er...hello' and nothing! yep, i know he does this (this non responding shit) and you know what? i just cannot deal with it at all...

and am i annoyed i gave in and texted him, yeah, sure a little bit, but that pales into insignificance when i realise how broken i am and just how far i have to go, and sure Sal said some of the healing may be done whilst i'm in relationship, but i just don't know how...

i'd really like to believe her, but i don't...

i feel, frankly, miserable! miserable that the actions of a 13 year old boy, some 30 years ago, have meant that i can't trust men, that i don't believe i'm worth a good relationship, that i'm not attractive to a man unless i sleep with him, and god knows how many other beliefs, which are just not working for me...

i'm tired, honestly, i'm exhausted...i so dearly want to be in a relationship and yet, the beginning of relationships (where there is inevitably so much anxiety and uncertainty) basically takes me all the way back to that day and feeling so worthless, so unattractive and so fundamentally broken...

and this is why relationships are so hard for me...if he hasn't decided it's all too hard (which i guess he may have) then i wonder if i will be able to be vulnerable enough to say what i want to him:

i like you, i'd like to get to know you....do i tell him i'm so terrified of getting hurt that he needs to give me some time so he can see the real me?

do i? no i don't think so...if he hasn't already run a mile, surely that would be the icing on the cake? would it not?

and to top it all off, the blog has had to go semi private, and looks like going completely private before too long...

anyway, enough is enough

i'm tired, i'm exhausted, i'm sad, i'm scared, i'm terrified (not sure whether i'm more terrified he will come back or won't) and i just wish things were different, with me, for me...

nite x