so i was asked an interesting

question today: and it's one i have asked myself (although, admittedly without this level of self awareness), and i suspect it's one that my therapist has asked me before....

'so if he doesn't like you, what would that mean?'

and therein lies a HUGE part of the problem, of my belief system....because you know what, and this will sound crazy, and not like an educated, intelligent successful 43 year old....it means everything

and it all stems back (i think) to the thing with Chris and what he did - and ever since then i think i've been trying to get him (someone - perhaps I see all men as a substitute for him?) to love me...coz then, what he did would be ok? right?

no, of course it wouldn't, but my 13 year old hurt little girl shadow, believes this on some level...a level so deep that i'm sure THIS is the very thing, the belief that drives me crazy in these situations...that makes me want to know right now

kinda good to be aware of this....of course being aware, and being able to change a lifetime of behavioural patterns overnight, well they are different things!

so it would seem that after what happened with Chris, i've been searching for something, something that would make it ok, and that probably started with wanting him to love me, and subsequently, became buried and then it's been something i've projected onto other men, mainly the unsuitable ones....yep, makes a lot of sense in the cold hard light of day...

so question is really: WHAT does it mean if he doesn't like me? well i know what i think it means, but now i think it's time to challenge that belief about myself.....

it possibly doesn't have anything to do with me, even if he doesn't? right? even as i type that i can't say i'm convinced, but perhaps it's worth me considering that as a possibility...what if i don't really like him? what if, we have our 'get drunk together' to 'sort out our shit and discuss the competing requirements' evening (for the record, i have NO idea what he means by that) and i don't like him? what if i revert back to my view (or was it a judgment?) that he's rude and arrogant?

what if? so many questions.....

can you imagine how tiring it is to be in my head right now? yep, it's exhausting - no other word for it....

the constant wondering, the inability to sleep without having somewhat disturbing dreams, there are times when i actually feel as though i'm losing it....dismantled, yes, that seems a good description...

so the dreams! they’ve been coming thick and fast this week - last night's was probably the worst...myself, and another colleague from work are in a meeting, and I get a stack of very sexual texts from FC, and the other colleague asks me if i'm dating FC....eek! i'm sure i woke up in a cold sweat....then the other one where my staff member asks me if i'm seeing FC and I say nothing and she just looks at me and says 'you need to stop it' (that could be a reference to The Good Wife, and that's what Dianne said to Will in the last episode)....and then there's the dream where i am in a meeting with FC and he puts his hand on my thigh...

it's official, i am losing it! i just can't get him out of my mind....

but the question remains as one that I'd like to find a new answer for!