exhausted...

is the only way i can describe how i feel right now...

so the week's events with said 'guy at work' and my mixed feelings have really gotten the better of me, and the realisation of just how much work there is still for me to do, to be 'ok' (if that's actually possible) with what Chris did, well, there's still a long long way to go...

and sure, i am not naive enough to think that a couple of months of intensive therapy will have made it all better, but i guess, i got so busy with the new job that it just didn't seem so important for a while...

but now, now that someone has shown an interest in me, albeit one i'm absolutely confused about, and not sure i welcome, well, it's brought back all of the old patterns...and it feels worse somehow...

maybe because i thought i'd worked through it all

maybe because i thought it was less about Chris and more about other stuff

truth is, it's all about what happened with Chris - how can 10 minutes have such a fundamental, and damaging impact on one life? seriously...

so i was right when i said i was in the midst of a universal lesson and it would appear that FC is simply the vehicle for me to see this....

so today's therapy session was a biggie

it was a session of much realisation, many light bulb moments, and perhaps the start of yet another lesson....

and last night, despite my awareness and best best efforts, i just couldn't help myself....i found myself letting my shadow, yes, that's who it is, take over and look where it got me? nowhere good i can tell you...

truth is, this attraction to the wrong types of men, and my crippling desire for them to like me, even though i don't really like them, my need to move towards them, even when they are moving away...it's an addiction...

there, it's out! it's true...there is nothing like the rush i get, but then the let down is awful...scary thing is, i know, each and every time, how it's gonna work out, and yet i just can't stop myself...

soo now begins the long long journey of working this out, once and for all, because you know what? it's tiring...nope, it's exhausting, and i've been doing it for 30 years...and i don't want to do it anymore...

soooo on that note, i'm going to make a cuppa, give Lexie some attention and most likely, i'll be in my comfy and welcoming boudoir well before 10pm! 

nite x