year in review...better late than never...

right?

better late than never? and with a twist...

so rather than talk about the 2011 year that was, i thought i'd instead talk about the 2nd year since the big breakup, and i'm not dwelling on the breakup but since it happened on Australia Day, it's hard to forget...

that said, this time last year i was sad, unsure, lost and frankly not in a great place...

by contrast, this year i am happy (for the most part), CERTAIN and feel as though i have found that part of me i lost whilst with Ben and in the recovery phase...so all good!

typically i would do the month by month review but as that will require me looking thru earlier blog posts, it's probably not gonna happen...not tonight anyway, so here's some of the things that are memorable to me:

• had my eyes lasered (one of the best things i've ever done)
• took myself to hong kong before i started work for a wee bit of retail therapy
• oh yes, took a full time job! (didn't see that coming this time last year...)
• shelved the business initially with some regret, but now, couldn't be happier, and it will always be there if i want to go back to it
• continued to spend more time with my precious girlfriends
• finally got my french kitchen (well worth the wait)
• took another great writing course at the NSW Writers Centre
• did my first ever NaNoWriMo and successfully completed 50,000 words in one month
• continued with my novel even after NaNo finished...as at today, still have a little over 30,000 words to go
• breathed a big sigh of relief when my mum was told the surgeries were successful and a mastectomy was not required
• breathed another sigh of relief when i survived my first mammogram which came back showing nothing...phew
• enjoyed Carlton have a much better season and saw a couple of games with my nephew, Dad and sister
• saw Sachin for probably the last time at the SCG, and even though he didn't get that coveted 100th international 100, he is the best batsman to watch
• managed to get Chris out of my life and importantly, out of my head (it took some time, but i think we are there)
• discovered a lovely little costume jewellery store in Paddington (Tessarella House) and had my 43rd birthday tea there with some special girlfriends
• oh and booked my next trip to new york

not sure if i've missed anything, but they are my highlights! 

nite nite x

following or stalking?

yeah yeah, i know, a bit dramatic, but i think it begs the question...

so, a guy i work with (and no, not the one who has previously been the topic of recents blogs such as 'crush') is following me on twitter...

i wake up this morning, check out twitter - i usually do, to see what's happened whilst i've been sleeping, mainly coz about half my followers are o/s...only to find he is now following me?

weird...yep, really really weird...so i follow back: this being the twitter etiquette and all...and make some comment like 'strange seeing you here?'...and he then asks me what my book is about...

so, he could know about the book from our conversation earlier this week, or he could know about the book from reading through the many tweets there are on the subject, esp during november when i did NaNoWriMo...

so, Leah thinks he must have googled me to find my twitter account - not like i go around telling people i have one, but if he googled me then he would have found my website, and of course there is a button on there to my twitter account...

hmmm interesting...

yep, interesting!

so it's probably not stalking and merely following (in a twitter sense), but strange all the same!

nite peeps
xx

Trump Tower?

who'd ever have thought i would consider handing over money to Donald Trump?

well, not personally...but still!

so i'm doing research for my October trip...yes, i know it's only January...but I like to be organised, and honestly, a big part of the holiday enjoyment for me comes in the planning...and I think I'm a 'p'...definitely a 'j' when it comes to holidays

actually, it could go either way - the more pre planning i do, the less i need structure whilst away...anyway, i digress!

so i google 'hotels in chicago' and the first one that comes up is the Fairmont

wanted to stay there one time before, but it looks dated and kinda old fashioned

second one that comes up is Trump Tower and it looks flash! flash as a big old dog as my former colleague Chippy would say...

OMG it looks amazing! and they have the most indulgent looking spa with some amazing treatment options...

so folks, i think we are resolved!in Chicago i'll be staying at Don's place...

of course it'll take me 9 months to decide which spa treatment i'm having....they do a 7 hour $1200 version and yep, it sounds ridiculously expensive, but it looks like it would be good

i do wonder though, what therapeutic benefit one might get from having a revitalizing rubies massage...really? and the sapphire one is supposed to be calming...mmm

i think i'm an adrenaline junkie...

and this wouldn't be the first time i've made this observation, although typically i wouldn't broadcast it - doesn't really fit with how i see myself, or perhaps how i want others to see me....

so, this week at work has been nothing short of full on, manic, beyond busy with things coming out of the woodwork left, right and centre...i have had or asked my team to speak to the lawyers on WAY too many occasions this week  let's hope next week is much much quieter...

however, it wasn't until i got home tonight, after a very busy and long day, which ended with a 1.5 hour meeting with my boss (a really good meeting where we talked about heaps, i got heaps of approvals i needed, i was able to point out to her that something i did earlier in the week was not incorrect and generally we had a good discussion about what needs to be done) that i realised (and i know, i should take a long hard look in the mirror) that i love work so much, i actually thought i would miss being there for 2 days...

hilarious!

stupid?

a little insane?

no, maybe i really am an adrenaline junkie??

sad really....

in other news i've decided on the dates for my trip to the US later this year - now await bosses approval as it falls in the middle of the planning process....seriously! i thought when i got out of finance that would never again be an issue...and herein lies one of the problems with being on a snr mnt team...!

so, fingers crossed it's not going to be any sort of issue and come 2.45pm on Friday 5th October, i'll be jet setting off to NYC - yep, you read it correctly, NYC...

yippee!

six months...

in the new job came and went and i pretty much forgot...how did THAT happen?

doesn't seem like six months since i started...on the other hand, and some days, it feels like i've been there forever...on the plus side, i still love it even though i am down 2 staff and we have HEAPS to do...still, wouldn't be much of a challenge if there was nothing to fix, right? right...

could be an interesting development to report on in coming weeks too, sooo watch this space!

in other news: i love my friends...one of my oldest and dearest, MJB, called me tonight (who would ever have believed he would be better at keeping in touch than me?...and yet, it's true) and we had a lovely chat...

one of the things i love about old friends, is that you can, simply pick up where you left off...

and in other news...well, nothing! there is no other news...

happy thursday evening peeps!

until next time

s
x

bye then...

not sure it's a good sign when in the middle of a conversation (albeit not a face to face one) the other person disappears...

nope, it's not...

bye then!

trust...

is something that for some of us, takes a lifetime to develop...

i wonder actually if it's human to be born trusting? maybe it is? maybe it isn't...perhaps it has a lot to do with the circumstances surrounding your birth and ultimately, who you are born to? and what they teach you about trust?

so surely this is one of those nature v's nurture questions? you know those seemingly meaningless but deep and complex questions that perhaps only a lifetime of research can shed light on...and even then, surely, if it's a bit of both, in almost EVERY instance, the outcome might be different...unique perhaps?

of course i know for a fact that my issues with trust aren't unique - how i came to have those issues maybe, but the resulting fear of trusting anyone at all, yep, that's certainly shared by many many others...some of whom i know, some i don't...

sadly, it doesn't make me feel any better to know that there are others who struggle with the very same thing...again, maybe they don't? maybe they don't struggle with the sorts of things i do, or the situations in which i find it hard to imagine myself trusting others...no, maybe they struggle to trust in instances where i don't even give it a second thought...

who knows? really? 

point is this: there are 2 separate occasions this week where my ability to trust will be called into question and i'm going to try my very hardest to trust the people concerned....of course that's not going to be easy in either of these instances: one which involves giving my house keys to cleaners....fuck, really? even as i'm typing this i cannot believe that i am going to do this...i mean we are talking about a key to the sanctuary (admittedly, i'm only giving them a key to the mailbox so they can retrieve the house keys and leave them when they leave....but who's to know that they won't copy the keys)...yep, i really do have issues with trust...

and the other, well the other is someone i do trust (at least in my dealings with him to date, i have absolutely no reason not to trust him, he seems trustworthy, my 'read' on him, if you could call it that, is positive)...but even so, i'm doing something which will mean he could (if he wanted to, if he were remotely inclined to, or even if he was intrigued enough to want to do so...all things i totally get) have access to something that no other person i work with does...yep, big risk, huge big risk

so, it's a week of challenges on that front...maybe there will be a Being Erica episode about this very issue...oh wait, that's right I've watched all 3 seasons and i don't remember one...

bummer! sooo here i go, out into the big wide world of trying to trust people....

i'll provide a full update later!

today's epiphany...

hit me like a shot! right between the eyes...hard, hurtful and is gonna take some recovering from...

so i had an MHD (actually it turned out as a genuine sick day when i woke up and the headache that has been largely dormant, but there, for the last week, was there with a vengeance - not quite a migraine, but close....i got up, made tea, took 2 nurofen and went back to bed...)

of course it has ended up feeling like an MHD, despite the headache still being there (i'm beginning to wonder if my neck is out?) and other than a short interaction with the outside world (Andy from JB Hifi came to replace my buzzing tv - thankfully!) i have spent most of the day on the couch watching the remaining episodes of Being Erica Season 3 that i started watching in late December...

there is something about that show, and Eli Stone before it, that really resonates with me...so today was all about patterns and changing them if they are no longer serving you (no kidding!), and then there was the episode about Adam feeling responsible for his mother and because of that (because she doesn't treat him like a son, but like a husband, and friend) he resists becoming intimate with others...

shit, as if i needed to see that today? well, maybe i did...this very same topic came up both in my session with Lily last Sunday and also with Sal on Saturday - yep, there are some fundamental issues with my relationship with my mother, and honestly, i have NO idea how to change it - i don't want it to continue like this, and of course i'm afraid of what me saying 'i'd like a different relationship' will do to her, to our relationship, despite how dysfunctional it is....it's difficult...

but i am sick of hearing how difficult her life is - how annoying my father is (and sometimes when i spend a few days with them, i find myself siding with her, even though honestly, SHE is the person who's behaviour i can't stand - she is so mean sometimes and so petty and goes from 0 to 100 in a milli second about nothing), how he pisses her off etc etc

she shouldn't be telling me this! she should be telling a friend, her therapist (yeah right, as if she'd be so self aware to actually have a therapist), or him....why tell me? i'm supposed to be the child in the relationship...

and don't get me wrong - this is not a post about her or her shortcomings so much, but about the impact it has had on me and our relationship - and i'm angry! i feel as though her role modeling of how to be in a relationship and her expectations of me are the very things that have contributed (i'm willing to take responsibility too) to my inability to form and have intimate relationships - of course what Chris did only compounded that, but seriously..

i am angry! how do i find a way to say to her "mum, i'd prefer not to hear about your issues with Dad"...maybe just like that?

so, today's epiphany hasn't been a good one (so often they are a lovely realisation) so much as maybe one i needed to have...and definitely would not want to be at work to have this one, so the headache may well have been my friend today...

who knows! plenty to do this year, plenty to learn and this could be one GIANT lesson!

thanks universe, i think!

weird...

so not long after my last post (it might be time) Ben texts me...says he's bored and will i entertain him...honestly i was a bit miffed...not really miffed, more thought it was a bit odd - and whilst i will wholeheartedly admit to contacting him occasionally when i feel lonely, i have never done it when i was bored...

wonder what he thinks is going on with us now?
does he think we are friends?
that i owe him something?

am i reading too much into it (probably...)

but fuck, i was a bit, well if i'm being honest, and i should coz it's my blog, i was a bit repulsed - seemed to have a sexual overtone to it...

so i didn't bother picking up his call when he rang....

maybe i'm learning?

i think it might be time....

mmm so i told Sal today that last week in the middle of my crisis last week i reached out and texted Ben...and whilst i didn't feel bad about it necessarily, i realised today (actually about a milli second ago, when a text came in from him) that maybe, just maybe, it's time....

time to stop contacting him

time to stop thinking he'll be there when i feel lonely

time to stop thinking that we could be friends

not sure, but perhaps it's time...

something to think about!

what a difference a year makes...

really! sometimes not even as much as a year, but in this case, yes, a year....

this time last year i was struggling with where i was at: not yet a year since the breakup, chris very much on the scene and on his terms, not sure about where the business would go or whether it would make enough money, not sure where the work would come from, questioning why some people had re-appeared in my life etc...

and yet, a year on (really, has it really been a year?), i feel so much better, so much clearer on who i am, what i stand for, what's important to me and yep, basically, i just feel very very different..

so, if that's the case, then i wonder what things will be like this time next year? after i have worked through the whole raft of 'resolutions' i’ve identified!

surely, only good things to come....!

interesting...

is really the only way to describe the last week! this time last week i was in the midst of a crisis of confidence - actually not so much a crisis, more aptly described as a vote of no confidence - in self! not a great place to be

so before i went to my amazing reading/healing session with Lily I decided on some NY resolutions - turns out they were the right ones! for me, for now...phew!

so i went to work Monday with a different approach - with a projection of confidence and a sense of self that had been MIA for the last 2 weeks, and you know what? it made a HUGE difference...i had great meetings with almost everyone (even a handful of people that i'd had troublesome meetings with before xmas) and of course i don't attribute that all to me and my state of mind, but also to the fact that almost everyone i met with had something of a break, so perhaps the tensions that were high pre xmas had dissipated a bit...anyway, a lovely week at work and it was nice to get to friday and a) know i had 2 days to myself and b) to have been reminded how much i love my job and c) why i took it in the first place...

re the 'crush' - no longer sure it is one...a fascination maybe...i dunno! sometimes i think there is something there, other times i think there isn't...so i'm gonna do my best to forget about it and just let be, what will be (oh yeah, coz i'm sooo good at that!)

on another note my new tv is emitting a high pitched sound constantly so tomorrow will involve a visit to cute Nick at JB Hifi to report said issue! and tomorrow is also the day of my birthday tea with some of my girlfriends - can't wait!

so, as i struggle to find the motivation to write another chapter in the novel, at least i can console myself that i have written something today!

nite peeps

x

liberation...

from 4 May 2011

liberation is what i felt this morning...i was seething after our communication yesterday (refer post sooo very wrong) and for the first time since he re-appeared, i felt as if i had crossed that line, you know, that point of no return with him, you know, the one where if i decided to go back, i only had myself to blame for whatever happened next?

yep, i was so mad! mad with him, mad with myself for not seeing it, and mad mostly, that i have held him out to be someone i thought i wanted to be with...........for 29 long years! fuck, what a waste of my time and energy...no wonder i haven't met my 'mr right'...i've been deluded into thinking he was it!

but no more! i went to bed feeling sad, knowing the end was in sight, but feeling strong and determined and resolved...man, that took some work, but getting there was good (and you know they say it's not about the destination, but the journey? well in this particular case, i reckon they might be wrong...nothing has felt as 'right' in this journey as where i ended up lastnight)

i didn't sleep well, and i didn't for the first time in ages, wake up in a cold sweat, wondering what would be next...i woke up feeling clear and resolved, and even.....a bit happy! yep, seems the old new me (fuck, there have been so many changes in the last few months, i'm not sure which 'me' it was...but she was happy) made a re-appearance today and i can't tell you how very HAPPY i was to see her...welcome back!

imagine my surprise when i turn off my alarm and see a message from him - came in just after midnight (i'm certain i have asked him on at least 4 occasions not to drunk text me late at night...)...saying simply 'u still awake?'...

i didn't even respond, simply looked at it and deleted it, and in my head went about scripting what i would say to him when he finally made contact...what i landed on was this: go fuck with someone else's head, i'm done...

but of course it hasn't quite panned out like that...

around 3pm i get a text asking if i'm free...eventually he calls me at 5pm...i was out walking...he calls back at 5.15pm...

and despite my resolve, i feel sick...want to vomit sick...and what i realised was that i actually didn't want to talk to him but thinking it might be the last time ever (i still like a bit of the dramatic!) i took his call...

and i gave it to him...man did i? i wouldn't normally do this but i figure i'd made up my mind about him and what future (none) there was for us, so i had nothing to lose...i didn't quite stick to my script (bit hard to do that in a 15 minute call...would have meant a LOT of silence!)...

i told him how angry i was with him, how disappointed, how rude i thought he had been yesterday (he claims to have had a really bad day and was angry at the world and taking it out on me - i told him he should maybe consider taking it out on his wife!), how i had been nothing but honest with him and how i felt he had taken advantage of that, how i felt he liked me to be at his beck and call etc etc

it all came out, and i didn't hold back, it was clear i was angry and i actually didn't care if it meant he said 'fine, see ya'...in fact i fully expected that...

i told him i nearly unfriended him on facebook this morning! and i wish i had...

life script...

yep sounds like a funny phrase, and it probably is - quite common in a therapeutic framework, so i wasn't surprised that it surfaced today during my 6.5 hour reading session - yes, 6.5 hours...with the most amazingly talented, insightful and beautiful soul, Lily....

even before i had declared my NY resolutions earlier this week, i had thought it would be good to go and see Lily...i saw her once before (must be 14 months ago now, and with Leah - one of my dear dear girlfriends, at the time though she was a mere acquaintance and possible business partner) and i sensed that she would have so so much to share with me and to help me on my way...

so it's true, since i took the job in July i haven't been experiencing as much of the depression, loneliness, disconnection and doubt, but the run up to xmas and a number of events that are causing me stress, have sadly made me question myself...

sure, it'll pass - it almost always does, but a little bit of outside, objective help is always useful....

so i couldn't possibly summarise everything we talked about and nor would i necessarily want to share it in this very public domain, but suffice it to say she was spot on with so many things, and even though we spent a lot of time talking about my shadow, i didn't once feel defensive or get my back up...Lily is someone who is so straightforward, so honest and so open with her feedback and without judgement, that you know it comes from a holistic and caring place...

there is no 'you should do less of this' or 'more of that', no 'this is good, that is bad'...nope, it's all about knowing who you are, why you do things and learning to accept it all and use it to your advantage...

one particular aspect of my shadow is aggression, which of course is why i hate it so very much when i feel i have been aggressive or if anyone suggests i am

another thing is the conflict between my sun sign (capricorn) and my rising sign (pisces) and how that gets me into trouble - turns out even though i am logical and structured, i don't like to be tied down and am a romantic at heart! confused yet? yep, well it confuses me too sometimes and also others - so no wonder i sometimes commit to something in the moment and on reflection realise i don't want to do it at all...apparently (and you may laugh) i can actually say 'i've changed my mind' and that doesn't mean I don't have integrity.....fuck, so wish I'd known that a long time ago....

soooo, so many useful things to come out of my time with Lily today, including an energy balance to finish up with...

however, the single best thing to come out of the session was her closing comment to me (and it won't be verbatim, but the sentiment will be there): 'my wish for you is that you see yourself as i do...amazing,  beautiful and talented with an incredible energy and so so creative'

isn't that just the loveliest thing? yes it is! and as i re-enter the world of work tomorrow (which I am a wee bit nervous about) i can go knowing the following:

• i don't need to take everything so personally (not easy, but i'm starting....now!)
• i am NOT responsible for everything and everyone (really? you sure about that?)
• my boss is not the person i should be seeking approval from (in fact, i should find that from within)
• that she has me there to make her look good and her paying me to do my job in her eyes, is sufficient approval
• making myself out to be needy in her eyes, can only mean trouble (she is all about the veneer/facade of success and in some cases, not being human); and
• to remember WHY i took the job!

those reasons are as follows (and they have NOTHING to do with her or anyone else):
 - financial security
 - stability
 - to use ALL of my talents/skills in one place
 - for myself, so i could feel connected to something bigger than just me
 - to make some big changes at my place of work that in 2 - 3 years i can look back on a be really really proud of

funnily enough, before the chat with her on 23/12 (apparently some hideous conjunction was in my chart that day - go figure!) and the insensitive email from one of my staff i was actually feeling great and successful...

maybe i just need to go with how i'm feeling and quit looking for an external validation of self...

yip, if i can do that, it's gonna mean i have WAY more time to focus on finishing my novel, working on self, hanging out with people i love and meeting someone special...sounds like a plan right?

as usual i've digressed and haven't even referred to the blog title, namely the life script - which turns out is (or should i say was!): what did i do wrong? i'm not good enough....

always assuming that when things go wrong i have some responsibility or in some way could have done something differently...

so now the trick is to write a new life script - gonna take some time to ponder what i'd like that to be, but i think a good start will be 'you are good and worthy and maybe this has NOTHING to do with you'....

adios

smooth sailing...

occurred to me as i was making my cup of tea (the one i'm drinking now, the one i made so i can sit down and tackle the re-write of chapter 28!) that i shouldn't always expect things to go smoothly, and maybe that's why i get so disappointed when things don't go so well...

surely, life can't be a perfect ride? surely, it's normal for things to occasionally go wrong? yip, it is! but seems that for some reason, i get it into my head that it's my fault, or that it's worse than it is when i have a bad day, or get some feedback i don't want, or when someone isn't happy with me...

mmmm something to work on there methinks!

so, i'm going to try and remember that life ain't all smooth sailing and nor would i want it to be - without the lows, the highs won't feel anywhere near as good!

unexpected...

yep, coming across my email to Ben a couple of days after we broke up, today - that was unexpected!

wow, i can't believe when i was hurting so much i could be so articulate, but guess when you've been saying it for months with no response or change, it's not that hard to repeat it all in an email...

still, made me kinda sad...reminiscent and sad...

just sayin'

i wonder how long i will stick it out....

honestly? so following the 'not so good' meeting with my boss the last day before my break, and an email containing information which sent me into a spin on tuesday, i have spent a fair bit of time wondering just how long i'm going to stick this job out...

sure, mentioning things like that to my dad sent him into a spin - mental note to self: you do NOT have to stay in a job because everyone else expects you to!

sure, i like most things about it, but i realised that whenever there is conflict (i don't like conflict, not many people do, but i'm at least ok to admit it!) and the possibility that my reputation or integrity could be questioned (not because of my actions, but because of other people's lack of it) i really just want to run away...

it's true! and so my NY's resolutions (i usually don't make them) are as follows:

1) finish novel
2) stop taking things so personally
3) stop taking responsibility for everything

added to those is really a desire to become more resilient, in certain instances to become WAY more circumspect (and try not to lose me in the process)....

anyway, i've digressed - real question is: how long am i gonna stick out the job? when i took it i told myself 3 years, and now, some 6 months in, that feels like a very very very long commitment! of course but that might just be due to my emotional reaction to recent events....

time will tell i guess - it always does...when things aren't clear, waiting it out is always a good option!

so, lot's of work to do (at work and on self) in 2012 - fuck, isn't there always lots to do?

not that i mind...one of the things i have learned about life, and myself, is that no matter how much work we do on ourselves, there is always more to do, more to learn - in that quest to become the best person we can be...

so i've tried really hard to put the comments of this person out of my mind - to focus on what i know in my heart to be true - to not feel like i have to take all the responsibility for where things are and to just be me - the me that made my coaching business a big success!

on that note, bed is calling - i was unsuccessful in my quest to re-write chapter 28 tonight, so that will have to wait until tomorrow...

nite x

grateful, really really grateful...

that's how i felt as i did my walk today....grateful that i have a job, as i noticed that so many small businesses and other better known businesses, have closed their doors in down town Crows Nest...

i guess i have always felt immune (not because of any special powers) to the GFC's and recessions of recent times (and by recent, I mean any since I started work in 1991)....

not sure why? actually, that's not entirely true, i have some ideas:
 - stable employment (except when I ran my business for 2 years)
 - buffer (or as I used to call it, the fuck off fund!)
 - living largely within my means (mortgage that isn't OTT in terms of affordability etc)

i guess i knew already that taking the job was right - it has felt right since day 1 to be honest, and that's usually a great sign for me....but this morning as i walked through the reasonably affluent Crows Nest, it hit me just how many people have been impacted by the GFC, the $Aus, both of which have meant people shop overseas and online...me included! not that i feel guilty, on the contrary - as a consumer I believe it's my right to hunt down the best deal for me, and it's unlikely I'm going to stop doing that....

but i was a bit sad and even started to think beyond the closed shop doors - what has happened to the people who ran these shops? to the people they employed in these shops? :-(

sooo, i feel grateful today - for my life, for my health, for my family, for my amazing friends (even though some have dropped off this year!), for my beautiful home, for my job and for having enough sense to have some tucked away for a rainy day!

very very grateful....thank you!

your past....

i just read something that said 'make peace with your past so it doesn't impact your present'....and i got to wondering if that is as easy as the statement?

methinks not! i have spent a lot of time in therapy trying to come to peace with my past and years on i still don't think i'm there...

sure, i have a lot more self awareness around it and how it impacts me, but still, it's part of who i am and it's bloody hard to be at peace with something that had such a massive impact on who i became...

maybe 2012 is the year that will allow me to be at peace with it all, once and for all?

2011 year in review - not forgotten, just didn't get around to it yet, but i will, coz i find it very cathartic and a part of the past in the past journey, to do it...

happy new year everyone!