Being Erica...

funny how a show can seem to mirror what's going on in your own life, or is it more that when we are feeling something acutely, we look for similarities?

either way, i just Love Being Erica...sister bought my Season 3 for Xmas (thanks sis)....

must say the start was a bit jarring, couldn't really see why she needed to do group but of course the therapist in me can see why, and it even got me wondering if i should also 'do group'??

a question for me to ponder methinks...i thought seriously about going to group after Chris showed up and as i struggle through the mire that is the christmas loneliness (i totally get why so many people attempt suicide at this time of the year...it can be bloody lonely) and the inevitable reflection that comes with New Year, my birthday and then 26th Jan (although I feel good about where things with Ben ended up now)....i wonder if these feelings are just related to the time of year, or whether they go way deeper than that, and ordinarily i have structured my life to be so busy and full that i have little or no time for reflection?

doesn't sound right does it? for an introvert, to have organised her life so that there is no time for reflection...not true actually, usually weekends are very very quiet, by design, so no that's not true, and for most of this year (especially since i started work again) i have been happy...

mmmm so maybe it's a coupla things: break from work (maybe i'm missing it, or something about it), still going over that conversation with the boss in my head (groan...), just had 5 days with the fam and coming home, whilst lovely, always takes some adjusting to, period (yep, that NEVER helps (although there is increasing regularity in them again...?), too much time to think about the only thing i wish was different in my life....

the therapist in me is wondering if all of these things are contributing to me questioning my sense of self - perhaps i'm in the middle of an existential crisis? and like every other EC, it will pass...eventually, but for now, the best thing to do is sit in it, feel it, and resist the urge to move out of it...

which is what the 'reaching out' is all about, and yet funnily enough, i am possibly looking in the wrong place...never occurs to me to share these feelings with people i actually care about...nope, peripheral wannabe's....

something to think about!

and now, walk or write? big decision....!

meh...

is how i feel today...only word for it really

despite a fabulous victory by Australia in the first test v India and some GREAT bowling....

despite having had a nice break in the 'berra with the fam for xmas

despite how good i usually appraise my life to be...

yep, i feel meh! of course all of this could be due to the fact that i got my period today, so one can never be certain that those feelings are likely to stick around (real, yes but maybe only v v temporary and hormonally influenced...)..

but i feel lonely! i love xmas with my family but as another year goes by and me single, and seemingly no-one on the horizon, i reflect on how much nicer it might be to spend the holiday season (or should i say christmas season, as i am neither jewish, muslim nor PC!) with someone...someone special, as well as my fam...

a random text message on boxing day also didn't help, as i really did think it was Chris and so a number of thoughts about him and what happened also started flying through my head, so imagine my surprise when it turns out not to be him that i'm disappointed - what a head fuck (as Sallyanne would say!)....

could also be that as a result of all of this and last night's PMT, i decided to text the bloke from work that i have a crush on....fuck! so wish i hadn't done that...harmless conversation ensued, but i had really wanted to not make contact with him over the break, mainly because i can't get a read on his feelings, so me initiating, ain't gonna help make that any clearer...

soooo really meh is where it's at...perhaps a night on the couch with Being Erica S3 will help!

invisible...

interesting, that the title of this post was intended to let me talk about Paul Auster's 'Invisble' which i've just finished reading, and honestly, it was a disappointment! compared to The Brooklyn Follies which i adored, the ending of this one was well, sloppy....

sorry Paul, but i didn't enjoy it! once the protagonist died and it became the other's perspective it just stopped for me...

interesting too that invisible is how i felt yesterday with my boss! i am so annoyed and disappointed by her at times - don't get me wrong, usually, we get on very well and I enjoy working with her, but before i decided to take a full time role with her, i did have a big think about how i might handle her sometimes blunt beyond words approach...

and sadly, for about only the 2nd time in our working relationship, she was like that yesterday, the only day i would have appreciated a 'thank you, you've done a great job'...but no, when i chose to reflect on how much we'd achieved in 5 short months she didn't once say yes, great job, well done...no! all i got was you haven't done the thing i wanted six months ago....which is really the reporting line change of one team into another area (not really being driven by me) and then when i asked her to sign some things she has been asking for and she didn't understand the contents of the letter (which incidentally is EXACTLY what she asked for when we did the same thing a month or two back) and i started to explain, she yelled at me!

nice! really fucking nice way to end my year at work....NOT!

so after that meeting my day went decidely pearshaped as i played her words over and over in my head all afternoon and into my evening.....

sure, there are times when maybe i do talk over her (usually when she's not listening to me or when she has changed her mind for the nth time and i want to yell at her that i'm not actually a fucking mind reader!) but in this case her words were just mean....and i think, largely unwarranted - in addition to telling me this, she also said that i am not very good at reading people (maybe she meant her - and true, she's not easy to read) and that i need to listen!

funny really, coming from her...

but maybe there is something in it for me - in my working relationship with her....maybe, although i'm going to do my best not to spend my entire 2 weeks off (yes, 2 whole weeks to myself...yay!) thinking about it!

ok, well, i feel better having blogged about it - always do! thank god writing is cathartic...

speaking of writing, hope to finish my little writing project by early Jan so i can decide if it's going to be shipped off to a publisher!

have a wonderful xmas and stay tuned for more ramblings into 2012!

s
xx

on the fence...

yep, i'm on the fence...undecided about whether it IS or IS NOT a crush...

i wonder if i wasn't feeling the need to sensor my feelings (coz of the work situation), would i in fact come out and say the words...or is it genuine 'on the fence' territory?

hmmm not sure!

i can't really get a read at all, but that shouldn't stop me admitting what my feelings are should it? NO i can hear the grown up in me saying...and the petulant child (perhaps a teenager and afraid of admitting her feelings for someone until she knows what they will say in return) is happy to keep her cards a bit closer to her chest...

ok, ok so i like him...i want to know more...but i can't do anything...

so, there you have it, maybe i'm only on the fence because i think it's safer up there?

big sigh of relief...

seriously, no other way to describe it...

see, a coupla weeks ago i had my first mammogram, which came about as a result of Mum's recent brush with breast cancer (all ok now following 2 lumpectomies and a 20 day course of radiotherapy..and now the drugs)...

it was not a pleasant experience (will be going for the ultrasound version next time methinks), and the woman who did it wasn't particularly nice, the woman on the desk ok, but in an attempt to tell me i may get a call back as it was my first time actually freaked me out...

so it's been something of a wait and last night the letter arrived! of course, i'm so bad at opening mail that i didn't think to open it until today...

of course, when i realised what it was, i was nervous, or maybe hopeful is a better description...

anyway 'no visible signs of breast cancer' were the words i read...and read, and read until i was CERTAIN that i hadn't misread it!

truly almost no better way to start the day :-) i am so very grateful...thank you universe

then a good morning at work, got heaps done, welcomed resignation, and then a drive to the other office to deliver an MBTI team building session which was FABULOUS! no really, it was fabulous!

I had forgotten how much i love MBTI (well not really, i just don't get to use it anywhere as much as i would like these days) and i thoroughly enjoyed this presentation/session to a group of mainly 'NT's (eek)....went so well, made me a little nostalgic for my little business...

but only a little! coz i really DO love my job! it's been a HUGE 5 months where i have delivered 2 big projects and done a lot of work to set the tone of the organisation - i think we call this cultural change!

anyway, enough from me...i'm giving myself an ultra early night, ready for what i know will be a big day tomorrow!

nite!

sometimes the ending isn't what

you expect at the start...

that can absolutely be said about today...

i woke up when the alarm went off, in the middle of a very bizarre dream (something about me driving a car i didn't feel i had control of - go figure!)...my big project came to fruition today and whilst i was excited it did, i am exhausted...and honestly, only thing i wanted to do this morning was crawl back under the doona and hide...

but no, i went! i went, it was good, i got to see everyone, and honestly, it's a great achievement! the 2nd project i've delivered (not alone in this instance) in 5 months - big ones too! both of them...but i'm tired

can't remember a time in my entire career when i've ever worked so hard actually...

so, as day went on and i got tireder, i realised that rain would mean no tennis (good and bad) - bad in that i love my tennis, good in that i could write and make up some lost time...

so did just that! chapter 34 done and i remember how fabulous it feels to be engaged in something you love...

yep, must remember that...

of course, meaningless, stupid emails with someone is also a nice diversion...

so, sure day didn't start so well, but it has ended well and i'm smiling..!


ok, bed is calling! nite xx

underwhelmed...

is as good a description as any for how i feel...

yep, this time of year inevitably lends itself to me finding myself in a funk! and i've had an ok day, done some nice stuff for myself and wrapped the pressies to send to Melbs, found the perfect bedside lamps, and yet i still feel meh...

yep, underwhelmed, bit sad, wee bit lonely, very reflective, shopped out (did some good shopping for self), but still...

these are all temporary pleasures...

siri...

yes folks, i have siri! well not me, but my new phone (thanks work...)

so i thought i'd ask her a few questions today:

a) tell xx i'm running late and sure enough she writes a text to xx
b) tell yy i'm running late and that didn't go so well - turns out i know 12 yy's and she only gave me 2 options, none of which where the yy i wanted to tell!
c) set my alarm for 6.35am and sure enough she does
d) when am i next seeing sallyanne and she tells me i am seeing her saturday at 10.30am

how fucking cool is that? seriously, i don't know what sort of person doesn't love the iphone...

really, who wouldn't? and i haven't even worked out anywhere near 5% of what she, or my new phone, can do!

and now that i am over my temporary sense of humour loss (SOHL), itunes and iphone os updated with the latest versions, seems my 1022 songs are transporting themselves from the pc to my new device! yay...

older and a wee bit wiser...

and no, i haven't had another birthday! not yet...that's a little over 3 weeks away

no, what i mean by this post is that the older and wee bit wiser me, managed to resist the urge to contact chris...and i'm sure that a big part of it was not being able to actually find his number....

mental note to self: ALWAYS delete someone from the phone when you think it's a good idea to not have them in there in case of weak moments, or worse, the drunken dial

so sure, i couldn't find his number but as i found myself working out where it might be stored, i suddenly realised that if i actually did make contact with him, it would inevitably re-open the nightmare that was most of the first half of this year, and why? why the fuck would i do that to myself?

as if it wasn't bad enough he turned up at all...sure, he turned up, he said sorry, got what he wanted, and then left me to pick up the pieces from our childhood...

yep, easy for him, seemingly...

how relieved i am now, only a handful of days later that i didn't make contact with him...that i knew where it would go and that i resisted what turned out to be a very temporary urge...and what surely would have ended up in tears...

aren't they all? temporary? urges that is? so it's nice to look back on it and think that perhaps the reason it didn't end in tears, is not because i couldn't find his number, but because a tiny wee part of me, the older and slightly wiser part, knew it would be a bad idea...

yep, i'm going with that take on it all...

then again, i wonder if we ever change? if it's possible to break the patterns of a lifetime? to change the patterns and not make the same mistakes over and over again (of course, philosophically i believe it's possible or why else would i have become a therapist? but in this case, it's a rhetorical question to self!)

fuck, i had the most....

overwhelming urge to make contact with you know who...yep! out of the blue...

weird! i found myself scrounging around for his number...thankfully i could not lay my hands on it (small mercies really)...

and found myself having some serious flashbacks...not good...

and these are the times i wish i had someone in my life, someone who would just hold me and tell me it will be alright...

yep, that's what i wish for...the lead up to xmas is always good in that i enjoy buying gifts for the people i love and preparing for a break with my family, and also tinged with sadness at having to do yet another one on my own...

wonder if that will ever get easier?

bit sad tonight...

something or nothing?

unsure, no clearer than i was yesterday but i think i know a bit more...

so in favour:
 - nice
 - has f in his mbti
 - likes baseball
 - has foxtel
 - likes nyc
 - when picking me up a cherry ripe, also got me a coke (nice..)
 - much younger than me (i think, have no idea, but i suspect...)
 - he listens

not in favour
 - we work together
 - i can't get a read
 - we work together - a wee bit overweight
 - likes to please (i like this too, but it can be a challenge)
 - we work together
 - much younger than me (i think!)
 - we work together
 - suspect even if he did like me, he'd do nothing...we'll probably both do nothing
 - we work together

yep, uncertain is where it's at....

oh yeah, and did i mention? we work together!

ok, now gotta do some actual writing!!

ps guess who's getting an iphone 4s? siri here we come!

not sure...

if i have a crush or not...hard to tell really....

so this 'boy' (i call him that, but he's a man, of course, just a term of endearment) and i had a few emails over the weekend, albeit about work type stuff, and i got to wondering if maybe he likes me too?

i have NO idea frankly - no fucking idea...i'm out of practice at this stuff, so i am not the most effective commentator...

perhaps i need an indepedant opinion! oh that's right - he works for the company i work at, and it wouldn't be kosher, shall we say? to seek such an opinion...

sooo, guess i'll have to ride this one out alone....

what i can say is this: he has a fabulous MBTI profile result!

still not sure if i have a crush on him...i like him, i'd like to know more about him...got a nice surprise when i found out he was interested in cricket...(never expect that from a geek!), which is a stupid statement really as my ex of 2 years (a massive geek) was also a mad cricket fan!

sooo i don't really know...not really sure at all?

crush?

mmmm, well i think i might have a crush! not a serious one... but hey

been a while, so it's kind of taken me by surprise....problem is, it's a guy a work...an IT guy at work who's super helpful...have spent a fair bit of time talking to him in the week leading up the big project (which started this weekend)....

he's kinda nice
i'm intrigued, meaning i would be interested to know more about him

can't make a move, in fact, not sure i can do anything

wonder if he will make a move?
wonder if he even likes me?
wonder if it's all in my head (i do have a good imagination, so maybe this is just another one of my imaginings?)
??

not sure what happened, exactly...

but i find myself in the midst of a funk...certain it's not permanent (they never are right?) but it has been an unwelcome surprise in an otherwise good coupla weeks...

although truth be told, a coupla big things have happened and maybe this is just the catch up...you know what i mean right? you just keep going and going and eventually there's a big fall (not that i'm a negative person, on the contrary actually, but if you push yourself hard enough, eventually there is a coming down from the high that you were on...natural part of life i guess)...

but this coming down, well it don't feel so good! of course November was a mad busy month and one where i had very little down time (due to my successful venture into the realms of NaNoWriMo...) and a fair bit happened, not the least of which was being dumped by the psychotic former friend who came back but is now, yet again, in the former friend heap where she belongs...and sure, it's ended up just how i would like it, but i have some unresolved stuff around all that - stuff i want to say to her, which of course i won't...but stuff, that if i'm honest, is building into anger (not good, i know i know)

and then of course there is the big project at work (which until today was something of a secret, and i say something, because it seems there were a LOT of people who knew about this so called secret!) which has been dominating the attention of so many, even though there are plenty of other key things going on...so i guess whilst i'm not feeling left out, i feel as though perhaps the work me and a handful of other people are doing will go largely unnoticed, but if it fucked up, then of course, it would be a big deal...and this is one of the things about corporate life i have always found hard to deal with...

added to that some of my peers who have been v focused on the secret project, so much so that in recent weeks my emails about my project have gone unread, but when i asked them to discuss with me their expectations about things which impacted their wallets, they managed to find time not just to email me quickly but in some cases, to drop in and make it a priority...

so yep, i'm in a funk and it feels crappy...i am consoling myself with food (this is never a good thing for me to do) and am starting to find just being with this group of people exhausting - seems my usual ebullient self has taken a holiday....

and yep, i'm lonely! writing a book which has a large element of romance and sex and intimacy is making me think about where those things are in my life, and the honest answer is, they are nowhere...sure, it took me a long while to move on from my relationship with ben, meaning i didn't want to focus on meeting someone else, but now i just feel lonely and wish i had someone special to cuddle up to and share my life with....

so yep, there you have it! i'm in a funk, i have no idea when it started, i have no idea when it will end...but i do know that it will....eventually!

that's all from me!