dating...

it's a funny word that...dating! what does it really mean? i mean I wonder how someone came up with it to refer to the meeting of 2 people in a romantic sense...bizarre...

anyway, tuesday night i had a date! first one in a LONG time and it was nice...actually it was! and i think a LOT of that was due to my attitude...

i felt good, confident, wore a dress (i know i know, those of you who know me are thinking 'WTF she wore a dress'), and for almost ever i didn't feel i had to be someone i'm not, or apologise for or defend my position on things...

so a nice night, would see him again if he asks, and if he doesn't, well, it was a nice night...

none of my usual paranoia has set in - you know how it goes: will he call? did he like me? am i this? am i that? nope, don't really care either way! had a good evening, enjoyed his company, was delighted he was a gentleman and that's it...

guess this is living in the moment, guess it's being grown up - either way, i like it!

it's been a bloody busy few weeks otherwise - tuesday (and my 2nd board meeting) marked my 3 month anniversary with the new employer! wow, that went by in a flash...in another 3 months it will be more than a year since the fuckwit re-appeared in my life, xmas will have been and gone, mum will be finished her radiotherapy, i'll be 43 and it will be only a handful of days until the 2 year anniversary since ben and i split...

time seems to be literally flying by these days - and i'm neither saying that is good nor bad, simply noting it down...

i still love the job, i'm still very glad i took it, there are some teething issues which are now well and truly making themselves known, i have made some good relationships with some and i'm enjoying the work...despite me being able to see many years of work ahead to get it to where i'd like to leave it...

and not that i'm thinking of leaving, not yet anyway, but this never was going to be permanent and the more i think about what it means to me and where it fits into my life, the more i know that ultimately i hope to be really helping others who haven't had it so good as me...

and sure, some of you may think that what i'm doing now achieves that, and i guess, it does in some ways - my predecessor was a horrible man who nobody seemed to like much less respect and so i am working hard to turn the perception of our team around...so we are helping, i know we are, but not in the way i really wanna be helping...

the other thing too is this yearning i have to write a novel - i really do - and i know that some women my age probably yearn for a child they haven't had yet or a relationship (sure, wouldn't mind one of those), i yearn to be doing exactly what i think i'm on this earth for...

in the meantime, it's all a bit of fun, i'm trying not to take it all so seriously and happy to be enjoying the ride!

am really tired now - 2 days of fighting an infection (they are unsure whether it's viral or bacterial) which manifested in me not being able to open my right eye yesterday morning has left me without much energy...so i'm going to make a cup of tea and crawl into bed with Paul Auster - yep, first book of his i've ever read (The Brooklyn Follies) and I can honestly say 'that man can write' - it's a good read and so beautifully written...

i fear before i do get into bed i will duck by bookdepository.co.uk to see what other little gems of his I can pick up!

nite xx