i did it
i enrolled in NaNoWriMO...
fuck...what was i thinking?
i have NEVER been busier in my entire life and now i decide to enrol in NaNoWriMO...i must be mad!
so, on tuesday it starts...
between now and then i gotta come up with an idea for this novel...
shit shit shit!
oh well, gonna give it a try - if i get ANYWHERE close to 75,000 words in one month, that will be a huge effort...
wish me luck!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
it's a mixed bag tonight...
yep folks, tonight's post is going to be a mixed bag! seems i don't have anywhere near as much time as i would like to write the blog so tonight is going to be something of a brain dump of the last little bit of time...
so first up let's start with my weird dream friday night...saturday night had plans to go to a Girls Night In cancer fundraiser with one of the bff's...theme is meant to be Carnivale (and you know how much I love a theme...not!)...so imagine my surprise when i wake up in a cold sweat Saturday morning having had the following little dream:
Kirsten turns up to the house, but it's not my house but a house i'm looking after for someone else, a house that has some strange floor plan as it seems there are walls/doors where there shouldn't be and it just doesn't flow...wonder what that means? and it's not just her but another 2 or 3 girls and they are all seriously dressed up - not in carnivale but in very flashy dresses, heels etc (this in itself is weird coz Kirst doesn't much like the dress up)...so then the next scene is me going thru the wardrobe of the lady of the house, whoever that is, and all i can find is air hostess uniforms in dry cleaning bags? seriously, WTF is that all about - Freud would have a field day with that one...
then there's the topic of my somewhat annoying neighbours - i'm not sure if i've mentioned them before and to be fair they aren't annoying all of the time...but she's one of those north shore snobs who has an affected way of talking - so affected i want to push her head through a concrete wall and he's a nice bloke who's frankly whipped! but seems that between the 2 of them they can't park a bloody car properly and i find myself becoming increasingly annoyed by their less than competent parking in the street...see there's enough room for 3 cars if everyone parks like a normal person, but no no, these 2 imbeciles seem incapable of doing that rendering the space only suitable for 2 cars...not sure why it does my head in, but it SERIOUSLY bothers me...mental note to self: discuss with therapist!
then there's NaNoWriMo which for years I have considered entering, and this year, when i a) have NO time whatsoever and b) even less time than I have had in any of the preceding years when I considered this, I am actually thinking about entering...am i fucking mad? or just really keen to see what the structure and challenge of something like NaNoWriMo will do for my novel writing...?
and there's also the sudden interruption to my re-established sleep pattern...damn it! i'd worked so hard to try and re-establish a good, and by good i mean natural, i.e. no drugs, sleeping pattern...but in recent days (post virus and possibly pre menstrual) that seems to have fallen by the wayside and i find myself crawling into bed so tired i entertain the thought of NEVER waking up...and yet, unable to sleep the thoughts flick through my head like a reel that just won't turn itself off...annoying!
so that's all for the mixed bag...
nite x
ps happy birthday to my uncle mart!
oh, and i'm changing fonts - came across this one by accident and kinda like it!
so first up let's start with my weird dream friday night...saturday night had plans to go to a Girls Night In cancer fundraiser with one of the bff's...theme is meant to be Carnivale (and you know how much I love a theme...not!)...so imagine my surprise when i wake up in a cold sweat Saturday morning having had the following little dream:
Kirsten turns up to the house, but it's not my house but a house i'm looking after for someone else, a house that has some strange floor plan as it seems there are walls/doors where there shouldn't be and it just doesn't flow...wonder what that means? and it's not just her but another 2 or 3 girls and they are all seriously dressed up - not in carnivale but in very flashy dresses, heels etc (this in itself is weird coz Kirst doesn't much like the dress up)...so then the next scene is me going thru the wardrobe of the lady of the house, whoever that is, and all i can find is air hostess uniforms in dry cleaning bags? seriously, WTF is that all about - Freud would have a field day with that one...
then there's the topic of my somewhat annoying neighbours - i'm not sure if i've mentioned them before and to be fair they aren't annoying all of the time...but she's one of those north shore snobs who has an affected way of talking - so affected i want to push her head through a concrete wall and he's a nice bloke who's frankly whipped! but seems that between the 2 of them they can't park a bloody car properly and i find myself becoming increasingly annoyed by their less than competent parking in the street...see there's enough room for 3 cars if everyone parks like a normal person, but no no, these 2 imbeciles seem incapable of doing that rendering the space only suitable for 2 cars...not sure why it does my head in, but it SERIOUSLY bothers me...mental note to self: discuss with therapist!
then there's NaNoWriMo which for years I have considered entering, and this year, when i a) have NO time whatsoever and b) even less time than I have had in any of the preceding years when I considered this, I am actually thinking about entering...am i fucking mad? or just really keen to see what the structure and challenge of something like NaNoWriMo will do for my novel writing...?
and there's also the sudden interruption to my re-established sleep pattern...damn it! i'd worked so hard to try and re-establish a good, and by good i mean natural, i.e. no drugs, sleeping pattern...but in recent days (post virus and possibly pre menstrual) that seems to have fallen by the wayside and i find myself crawling into bed so tired i entertain the thought of NEVER waking up...and yet, unable to sleep the thoughts flick through my head like a reel that just won't turn itself off...annoying!
so that's all for the mixed bag...
nite x
ps happy birthday to my uncle mart!
oh, and i'm changing fonts - came across this one by accident and kinda like it!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
dating...
it's a funny word that...dating! what does it really mean? i mean I wonder how someone came up with it to refer to the meeting of 2 people in a romantic sense...bizarre...
anyway, tuesday night i had a date! first one in a LONG time and it was nice...actually it was! and i think a LOT of that was due to my attitude...
i felt good, confident, wore a dress (i know i know, those of you who know me are thinking 'WTF she wore a dress'), and for almost ever i didn't feel i had to be someone i'm not, or apologise for or defend my position on things...
so a nice night, would see him again if he asks, and if he doesn't, well, it was a nice night...
none of my usual paranoia has set in - you know how it goes: will he call? did he like me? am i this? am i that? nope, don't really care either way! had a good evening, enjoyed his company, was delighted he was a gentleman and that's it...
guess this is living in the moment, guess it's being grown up - either way, i like it!
it's been a bloody busy few weeks otherwise - tuesday (and my 2nd board meeting) marked my 3 month anniversary with the new employer! wow, that went by in a flash...in another 3 months it will be more than a year since the fuckwit re-appeared in my life, xmas will have been and gone, mum will be finished her radiotherapy, i'll be 43 and it will be only a handful of days until the 2 year anniversary since ben and i split...
time seems to be literally flying by these days - and i'm neither saying that is good nor bad, simply noting it down...
i still love the job, i'm still very glad i took it, there are some teething issues which are now well and truly making themselves known, i have made some good relationships with some and i'm enjoying the work...despite me being able to see many years of work ahead to get it to where i'd like to leave it...
and not that i'm thinking of leaving, not yet anyway, but this never was going to be permanent and the more i think about what it means to me and where it fits into my life, the more i know that ultimately i hope to be really helping others who haven't had it so good as me...
and sure, some of you may think that what i'm doing now achieves that, and i guess, it does in some ways - my predecessor was a horrible man who nobody seemed to like much less respect and so i am working hard to turn the perception of our team around...so we are helping, i know we are, but not in the way i really wanna be helping...
the other thing too is this yearning i have to write a novel - i really do - and i know that some women my age probably yearn for a child they haven't had yet or a relationship (sure, wouldn't mind one of those), i yearn to be doing exactly what i think i'm on this earth for...
in the meantime, it's all a bit of fun, i'm trying not to take it all so seriously and happy to be enjoying the ride!
am really tired now - 2 days of fighting an infection (they are unsure whether it's viral or bacterial) which manifested in me not being able to open my right eye yesterday morning has left me without much energy...so i'm going to make a cup of tea and crawl into bed with Paul Auster - yep, first book of his i've ever read (The Brooklyn Follies) and I can honestly say 'that man can write' - it's a good read and so beautifully written...
i fear before i do get into bed i will duck by bookdepository.co.uk to see what other little gems of his I can pick up!
nite xx
anyway, tuesday night i had a date! first one in a LONG time and it was nice...actually it was! and i think a LOT of that was due to my attitude...
i felt good, confident, wore a dress (i know i know, those of you who know me are thinking 'WTF she wore a dress'), and for almost ever i didn't feel i had to be someone i'm not, or apologise for or defend my position on things...
so a nice night, would see him again if he asks, and if he doesn't, well, it was a nice night...
none of my usual paranoia has set in - you know how it goes: will he call? did he like me? am i this? am i that? nope, don't really care either way! had a good evening, enjoyed his company, was delighted he was a gentleman and that's it...
guess this is living in the moment, guess it's being grown up - either way, i like it!
it's been a bloody busy few weeks otherwise - tuesday (and my 2nd board meeting) marked my 3 month anniversary with the new employer! wow, that went by in a flash...in another 3 months it will be more than a year since the fuckwit re-appeared in my life, xmas will have been and gone, mum will be finished her radiotherapy, i'll be 43 and it will be only a handful of days until the 2 year anniversary since ben and i split...
time seems to be literally flying by these days - and i'm neither saying that is good nor bad, simply noting it down...
i still love the job, i'm still very glad i took it, there are some teething issues which are now well and truly making themselves known, i have made some good relationships with some and i'm enjoying the work...despite me being able to see many years of work ahead to get it to where i'd like to leave it...
and not that i'm thinking of leaving, not yet anyway, but this never was going to be permanent and the more i think about what it means to me and where it fits into my life, the more i know that ultimately i hope to be really helping others who haven't had it so good as me...
and sure, some of you may think that what i'm doing now achieves that, and i guess, it does in some ways - my predecessor was a horrible man who nobody seemed to like much less respect and so i am working hard to turn the perception of our team around...so we are helping, i know we are, but not in the way i really wanna be helping...
the other thing too is this yearning i have to write a novel - i really do - and i know that some women my age probably yearn for a child they haven't had yet or a relationship (sure, wouldn't mind one of those), i yearn to be doing exactly what i think i'm on this earth for...
in the meantime, it's all a bit of fun, i'm trying not to take it all so seriously and happy to be enjoying the ride!
am really tired now - 2 days of fighting an infection (they are unsure whether it's viral or bacterial) which manifested in me not being able to open my right eye yesterday morning has left me without much energy...so i'm going to make a cup of tea and crawl into bed with Paul Auster - yep, first book of his i've ever read (The Brooklyn Follies) and I can honestly say 'that man can write' - it's a good read and so beautifully written...
i fear before i do get into bed i will duck by bookdepository.co.uk to see what other little gems of his I can pick up!
nite xx
Monday, October 10, 2011
for the first time in
a LONG time i feel truly happy and content with my lot in life...:-)
how nice to be able to reflect on life and say that...bar the incident at the dry cleaner's earlier, but i'm not going to let that mar an otherwise positive post (and day!)
so work is great - and i cannot remember the last time i said that and really meant it - and not to imply that i don't tell the truth, or that i say things are good when they are not, but they haven't been this good for a very long time...possibly ever
big call right? and i did love my business when i ran it, at least until it got lonely, or too difficult or became apparent that to make money i also had to sell...
so work is great! my 10 year old nephew asked me if i loved my job last week and when i told him i did, he asked me why! and as i reflected on my reasons (which i'll share here), this job seems to tick many of the boxes that perhaps i didn't realise were important to me...(gotta love getting older, and wiser)...
so the things i love about this job are this:
bit like my tennis tonight - maybe having just gotten cranky at the dry cleaner's is good prep for tennis, coz i was good tonight, and i mean GOOD! took 6 points off my coach in a first to 7 hit out...not bad, even if i do say so myself...
the crap of the last year seems to have finally been worked through and nicely packaged in a box and put to the back of the wardrobe (metaphorically speaking)...i feel engaged in my job and in my life, i thoroughly enjoyed my first weekend at home in about 6 weeks, loving my friends, love the fam, enjoying my tennis, wondering when i can to New York next...
all good!
so on that note, bon soir xxx
ps thinking of my good friend daniel tonight, whose lovely girlfriend tina was killed in bali 9 years ago today...thinking of you dan...xx
how nice to be able to reflect on life and say that...bar the incident at the dry cleaner's earlier, but i'm not going to let that mar an otherwise positive post (and day!)
so work is great - and i cannot remember the last time i said that and really meant it - and not to imply that i don't tell the truth, or that i say things are good when they are not, but they haven't been this good for a very long time...possibly ever
big call right? and i did love my business when i ran it, at least until it got lonely, or too difficult or became apparent that to make money i also had to sell...
so work is great! my 10 year old nephew asked me if i loved my job last week and when i told him i did, he asked me why! and as i reflected on my reasons (which i'll share here), this job seems to tick many of the boxes that perhaps i didn't realise were important to me...(gotta love getting older, and wiser)...
so the things i love about this job are this:
- location
- my team
- my boss
- level at which i'm operating so i feel i have some autonomy
- my peers
- the job itself
- the location
- the industry
- oh, and the regular pay
bit like my tennis tonight - maybe having just gotten cranky at the dry cleaner's is good prep for tennis, coz i was good tonight, and i mean GOOD! took 6 points off my coach in a first to 7 hit out...not bad, even if i do say so myself...
the crap of the last year seems to have finally been worked through and nicely packaged in a box and put to the back of the wardrobe (metaphorically speaking)...i feel engaged in my job and in my life, i thoroughly enjoyed my first weekend at home in about 6 weeks, loving my friends, love the fam, enjoying my tennis, wondering when i can to New York next...
all good!
so on that note, bon soir xxx
ps thinking of my good friend daniel tonight, whose lovely girlfriend tina was killed in bali 9 years ago today...thinking of you dan...xx
Thursday, October 6, 2011
vintage...
so earlier today, the same good looking guy from work that told me i was a 'good sort' the other day, suggests that him and i are the 'same vintage'...i don't really hear the start of what he was saying but hear '....vintage, right?'
initially i thought he was telling me i was a good vintage, which might be another reference to me being a good sort, but i think he was subtly (or not!) trying to find out how old i am....
of course, i am not one to be scared off answering this question, so after a quick discussion, where he has said to me 'early thirties, late twenties?' (as if!) i tell him i'm 42...
he then tells me he's 38 which is funny, because no sooner did i leave the conversation and walk back to my desk, did i start remembering what 38 was like for me...
and all of a sudden i was taken back to a time in my life which was (maybe then, but maybe not now looking back with the benefit of hindsight) much better than now...
or was it?
and as i start on this line of thinking i realise i have confused 38 with 39, but for the sake of an interesting read we'll go with 39, as for the life of me i can't recall what happened in my 38th year...not in any detail anyway
so at 39, i'd had my birthday (another one solo), then a trip to Melbs to celebrate the 40th of a good friend, which was followed by a month of feeling v v lonely...then i met Ben and for the remainder of that year (my 40th year) it was a great year...one of love, being in love, sharing, intimacy, and the start of what i thought would be something quite permanent and special....
and then i turned 40, and the day itself was ok, but by then, the cracks in my relationship with Ben had already started to show...despite that i had a wonderful 40th birthday party surrounded by friends and family in Manly...my health declined, my stress levels increased, my grandfather had a stroke and passed away, and finally i told work that there was no role for me and that i wanted redundancy...
only to find that they agreed with me and let me go...out into the big wide world and even though Ben was still a big part of my life, i felt that i was doing this very much on my own...
the next few months went by in something of a blur as i grieved the loss of not only my beloved grandfather (who passed away on 9 April 2009...the very day I departed from corporate life) but also the loss of me, my identity and my meaning...
truly, an existential crisis started to unfold, and i can honestly say, that is has taken the better part of nearly 3 years to come out of that...
wow! what a roller coaster it's been - what a journey of self knowledge - i feel so proud of myself, to have had the courage to confront many of the demonds of my past, and the best part of it all, is that feeling i have of being, right now, truly happy and content with my lot in life...
not a bad place to end up on a thursday afternoon!
happy weekend ahead xx
initially i thought he was telling me i was a good vintage, which might be another reference to me being a good sort, but i think he was subtly (or not!) trying to find out how old i am....
of course, i am not one to be scared off answering this question, so after a quick discussion, where he has said to me 'early thirties, late twenties?' (as if!) i tell him i'm 42...
he then tells me he's 38 which is funny, because no sooner did i leave the conversation and walk back to my desk, did i start remembering what 38 was like for me...
and all of a sudden i was taken back to a time in my life which was (maybe then, but maybe not now looking back with the benefit of hindsight) much better than now...
or was it?
and as i start on this line of thinking i realise i have confused 38 with 39, but for the sake of an interesting read we'll go with 39, as for the life of me i can't recall what happened in my 38th year...not in any detail anyway
so at 39, i'd had my birthday (another one solo), then a trip to Melbs to celebrate the 40th of a good friend, which was followed by a month of feeling v v lonely...then i met Ben and for the remainder of that year (my 40th year) it was a great year...one of love, being in love, sharing, intimacy, and the start of what i thought would be something quite permanent and special....
and then i turned 40, and the day itself was ok, but by then, the cracks in my relationship with Ben had already started to show...despite that i had a wonderful 40th birthday party surrounded by friends and family in Manly...my health declined, my stress levels increased, my grandfather had a stroke and passed away, and finally i told work that there was no role for me and that i wanted redundancy...
only to find that they agreed with me and let me go...out into the big wide world and even though Ben was still a big part of my life, i felt that i was doing this very much on my own...
the next few months went by in something of a blur as i grieved the loss of not only my beloved grandfather (who passed away on 9 April 2009...the very day I departed from corporate life) but also the loss of me, my identity and my meaning...
truly, an existential crisis started to unfold, and i can honestly say, that is has taken the better part of nearly 3 years to come out of that...
wow! what a roller coaster it's been - what a journey of self knowledge - i feel so proud of myself, to have had the courage to confront many of the demonds of my past, and the best part of it all, is that feeling i have of being, right now, truly happy and content with my lot in life...
not a bad place to end up on a thursday afternoon!
happy weekend ahead xx
Monday, October 3, 2011
finito....bar a fridge
and i don't mean a bar fridge, despite my dad making that very suggestion this morning!
nope, i mean my beautiful little kitchen is finished...all that's left to do is to consider buying a new fridge
so cupboards are done, new oven is installed (amazingly, my old one broke mid renovations - do you reckon that's a sign?), blinds are on order and only a week or so away and now i really think the fridge must go...
so found myself looking at new fridges today - flat doored, stainless steel brand spanking new fridges! the one i like is $1,800 - doesn't seem like a lot of money for something that (based on my average) will last me over 15 years??
so, think a fridge purchase is imminent!
adios!
nope, i mean my beautiful little kitchen is finished...all that's left to do is to consider buying a new fridge
so cupboards are done, new oven is installed (amazingly, my old one broke mid renovations - do you reckon that's a sign?), blinds are on order and only a week or so away and now i really think the fridge must go...
so found myself looking at new fridges today - flat doored, stainless steel brand spanking new fridges! the one i like is $1,800 - doesn't seem like a lot of money for something that (based on my average) will last me over 15 years??
so, think a fridge purchase is imminent!
adios!
tea and blogging...
yep, two of my favourite things...
just made myself a nice cuppa and am enjoying it as i do some posting - well overdue posting i might add!
so it occurred to me some time ago and i simply haven't had time to write a post about it that 'the past is best when it's in the past, and no longer in your present'...now, I have no idea if someone has said this before me but after months of struggling with the chaos and upheaval that chris caused in my life, i am finally feeling at peace with it all...i finally feel as though he is now a part of my past and not my present....
which is such a big reflief as now, some 11 months on since he turned up, i finally have my self back...i am no longer a slave to the thoughts and feelings that his re-appearance brought up...nope, all that has surfaced, i think, has been summarily dealt with and put to bed...as it were
and it's nice! more than that, it's freeing, it's liberating and downright empowering to know that i am finally in control of all of that - no longer will i be sucked into his manipulative games...
nope, finally my past with him is in the past and he is no longer a part of the daily fabric of my life...no wonder i've been so happy of late!
so back to tea and blogging - long may they both continue!
night
x
just made myself a nice cuppa and am enjoying it as i do some posting - well overdue posting i might add!
so it occurred to me some time ago and i simply haven't had time to write a post about it that 'the past is best when it's in the past, and no longer in your present'...now, I have no idea if someone has said this before me but after months of struggling with the chaos and upheaval that chris caused in my life, i am finally feeling at peace with it all...i finally feel as though he is now a part of my past and not my present....
which is such a big reflief as now, some 11 months on since he turned up, i finally have my self back...i am no longer a slave to the thoughts and feelings that his re-appearance brought up...nope, all that has surfaced, i think, has been summarily dealt with and put to bed...as it were
and it's nice! more than that, it's freeing, it's liberating and downright empowering to know that i am finally in control of all of that - no longer will i be sucked into his manipulative games...
nope, finally my past with him is in the past and he is no longer a part of the daily fabric of my life...no wonder i've been so happy of late!
so back to tea and blogging - long may they both continue!
night
x
dreams...
i mean actual dreams, not the ones i have for my future...
so interesting...the other night andrew apps turned up in my dream...he's a boy i had a crush on when i was 14, or 15 - so we are talking someone i haven't thought about for years! sure, i ran into him at the rugby union one time here in Sydney, and sure when I went to our 10 or 15 year reunion he was there, but other than that, it's been an AGE since he popped into my head...
could be coz i have been spending a fair bit of time in canberra, which of course is where we went to school together - wonder too if going down to tuggerangong vikings club may have subconsciously (or even, unconsciously) made me think of him?
even weirder than him turning up was that he turned up looking like him, but it was (i think) actually chris lloyd...
and in reality they are not connected at all - never met each other as far as i know, and unlikely to ever do so - of course they do both have rugby in common, but that's drawing a long long bow no?
hmmmm, not sure what to make of that one? it's even a bit out there for me and my dream analysis usually extends to some quite whacky ones, but i'm kinda stumped with this one...
what's even funnier is why they appeared together and it got me wondering as to when i may have 'connected' them?
don't think i have...
anyway, just saying, it was a weird dream that one!
so interesting...the other night andrew apps turned up in my dream...he's a boy i had a crush on when i was 14, or 15 - so we are talking someone i haven't thought about for years! sure, i ran into him at the rugby union one time here in Sydney, and sure when I went to our 10 or 15 year reunion he was there, but other than that, it's been an AGE since he popped into my head...
could be coz i have been spending a fair bit of time in canberra, which of course is where we went to school together - wonder too if going down to tuggerangong vikings club may have subconsciously (or even, unconsciously) made me think of him?
even weirder than him turning up was that he turned up looking like him, but it was (i think) actually chris lloyd...
and in reality they are not connected at all - never met each other as far as i know, and unlikely to ever do so - of course they do both have rugby in common, but that's drawing a long long bow no?
hmmmm, not sure what to make of that one? it's even a bit out there for me and my dream analysis usually extends to some quite whacky ones, but i'm kinda stumped with this one...
what's even funnier is why they appeared together and it got me wondering as to when i may have 'connected' them?
don't think i have...
anyway, just saying, it was a weird dream that one!
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