distracted since...

that text came in...

not distracted enough to reply or start writing the reply in my head...actually, ended up deleting it! i didn't want to be reminded of it every time i read texts from other people so figured it was the best way...and not like it said anything meaningful...how are you i've been too busy to call how are the eyes can you see?

so really what is there to say to that? of course, maybe quite a bit if it was a real friend...but he's not...

actually, it's pretty sad that i even let myself entertain the idea that we could be friends, although i know why i did this, and worse, that i entertained having an affair with him...admittedly i was bored, and in need of some good sex, and he's hot (well i think he's hot...physically only)...

i reflect on the last 6 months and realise just how much i have learnt! about myself, about relationships, about how enormously impactful the actions of a 13 year old boy can be on a 13 year old girl, even 30 odd years later...sad sad sad

anyway, i'm not actually sad today, just a little bit distracted...

of course, i have now changed my walking routine so that i don't have to go past the building with the name on it that reminds me of him (sadly there are 2 of these and so, only 1 can be cut out of my routine for the time being until i identify another option) but today i found myself thinking about him a fair bit...

and what was i thinking about? well, i can't remember the specifics to be honest, but it wasn't with the same 'pull' as was there previously...sure, a part of me thought if i ignore him for long enough he'll turn up to see if i'm alive, but who am i kidding? he's a narcissist and so if he doesn't get what he wants, he'll just find someone else who can give it to him...

i would be lying too if thinking about him didn't bring up the old 'fantasy'...yeah, you know, the one where he and i end up together (what utter bollocks that is...really...must have been delusional when i came up with that one!)

silly me!

so, i'm going to go to bed now, after a lovely day with friends, a gorgeous walk in the winter sun and watching my Blue boys give it to Port (eventually!) and i'm going to take Jasper Jones with me, that way i can be distracted in an entirely different way!

nite x