anxious....

yep, that's how i have felt the last few days...not sure what's going on...

actually, that's not entirely true, i am :-(

so i had a couple of interesting conversations last week which made me really think...one of them i think stems from a misunderstanding but in my usual way i seem to take all responsibility for how it's turned out...actually, i hadn't until the 2nd conversation happened...

so then, the 2nd conversation, this with a guy who won't be in the team going forward, and who frankly, i find pompous and obnoxious...he misinterpreted something i said on Friday, mainly because he interrupted me - thankfully i did get to set him straight on the call but it's stuck with me...sure he probably doesn't trust me, and honestly, that's unlikely to be anything to do with me, but as i do, i have taken it a bit to heart...

it and the fact that i'm tired (although back to old naturopath and hopefully his herbs will rectify my shot sleeping pattern...) and the adrenaline of the last few weeks is probably starting to wane (this is a good thing)...and quite possibly too i have PMT...

but i feel anxious, and afraid, and for the first time in a while (well, since the last time the post was titled anxious!) i feel very edgy...

and it's obvious that these 2 conversations have undermined my confidence because what was going through my head yesterday morning when i woke up was a whole lot of fear around my competence and what that means for my financial security...

shit, really? is it possible that i am so unstable that these 2 conversations have thrown me? or is something else going on? need to work that out...

interestingly, i rang a colleague friday night to tell her about conversation number 2 and she tells me that the person in question is obnoxious and that senior management don't like him...so of course that made me feel better, but still, the anxiety and fear around financial security remains...

funny how one or two small things can really get into my head...just goes to show how hard it is to combat this sort of stuff when you are tired and working on no reserves! what is sad i guess is just how little i sometimes think of myself...and how much responsibility i take for every situation (i'm getting better, i am, but still, it's hard to break the habits of a lifetime...) and how personally i take things (gonna have to find a way to manage that once i'm in this job...)

on a more positive note, i did a great relaxation/body scanning technique this morning...Sal (my therapist) recommended it to me and it was fabulous! very good way to get out of my head and into the body...glad it's on my iphone as i expect i'll be using it a lot!

otherwise a lovely and mainly quiet weekend...found new lounge room furniture, will order when i'm not feeling so anxious about money! had to buy a new oven and John (Leah's hubby) installed it today - well, bar the fact that the gas pipe hangs too low so will need a plumber to come and rectify that! oh and the Blues lost for the first time in AGES...:-( i much prefer it when they are winning!

au revoir