ah....

funny how we (and by we, i mean me!) can get so wrapped up in the negative thoughts and feelings, so much more so than the positives...

so today was a good day! i had a wee sleep in, did my walk in the beautiful crisp morning sun, did a coaching session, had lunch with a very good friend, did another coaching session, came home and veged...did a wee bit of prep for tomorrow, but mainly just hung out...

the morning coaching session was tough in a way as i knew i had to break my news at the end of the session - went ok...the afternoon coaching session was great, despite my nerves prior (coaching another coach is always more difficult for me)...but it went fabulously well and i got a lovely note of thanks...

the anxiety of the last few days seems to have passed somewhat (as things invariably do...) but i'm pleased that i was aware of it and trying to just sit with it, rather than needing to feel like i had to 'do' something to get it to pass...

what also happened today, in the middle of the 2nd session, was that i realised just how passionate i am about the job i'm about to go and do - and sure this might sound a bit odd, and sure i knew that i was (am) excited by the opportunity, but i didn't realise just how much until today and i had a couple of minutes of being in flow...

you know, the times when you completely lose yourself in what you are doing or describing...almost like an out of body experience, as if nobody else is there and you are so utterly engaged in the task at hand...bliss!

let's hope the excitement continues for many many months to come and that there are many moments of in flow...

nite x

anxious....

yep, that's how i have felt the last few days...not sure what's going on...

actually, that's not entirely true, i am :-(

so i had a couple of interesting conversations last week which made me really think...one of them i think stems from a misunderstanding but in my usual way i seem to take all responsibility for how it's turned out...actually, i hadn't until the 2nd conversation happened...

so then, the 2nd conversation, this with a guy who won't be in the team going forward, and who frankly, i find pompous and obnoxious...he misinterpreted something i said on Friday, mainly because he interrupted me - thankfully i did get to set him straight on the call but it's stuck with me...sure he probably doesn't trust me, and honestly, that's unlikely to be anything to do with me, but as i do, i have taken it a bit to heart...

it and the fact that i'm tired (although back to old naturopath and hopefully his herbs will rectify my shot sleeping pattern...) and the adrenaline of the last few weeks is probably starting to wane (this is a good thing)...and quite possibly too i have PMT...

but i feel anxious, and afraid, and for the first time in a while (well, since the last time the post was titled anxious!) i feel very edgy...

and it's obvious that these 2 conversations have undermined my confidence because what was going through my head yesterday morning when i woke up was a whole lot of fear around my competence and what that means for my financial security...

shit, really? is it possible that i am so unstable that these 2 conversations have thrown me? or is something else going on? need to work that out...

interestingly, i rang a colleague friday night to tell her about conversation number 2 and she tells me that the person in question is obnoxious and that senior management don't like him...so of course that made me feel better, but still, the anxiety and fear around financial security remains...

funny how one or two small things can really get into my head...just goes to show how hard it is to combat this sort of stuff when you are tired and working on no reserves! what is sad i guess is just how little i sometimes think of myself...and how much responsibility i take for every situation (i'm getting better, i am, but still, it's hard to break the habits of a lifetime...) and how personally i take things (gonna have to find a way to manage that once i'm in this job...)

on a more positive note, i did a great relaxation/body scanning technique this morning...Sal (my therapist) recommended it to me and it was fabulous! very good way to get out of my head and into the body...glad it's on my iphone as i expect i'll be using it a lot!

otherwise a lovely and mainly quiet weekend...found new lounge room furniture, will order when i'm not feeling so anxious about money! had to buy a new oven and John (Leah's hubby) installed it today - well, bar the fact that the gas pipe hangs too low so will need a plumber to come and rectify that! oh and the Blues lost for the first time in AGES...:-( i much prefer it when they are winning!

au revoir

momentarily nostalgic...

but it passed! wow, i am just so bloody busy these days which is good, and i'm happy too! the new job is now official and i no longer have to keep it all to myself...i'm beyond excited about the opportunity and what lies ahead and i've treated myself to a mini break in Hong Kong for some R & R and of course, shopping!

i am so busy that i have almost lost the time to do my usual introspection...fuck, did i actually type that? i did, and it's true...

i am so tired (doesn't help that i'm not sleeping well) and by this time most nights all i want to do is crawl into bed...the thought of reliving my day via the blog (which in previous months seems to have been par for the course) is no longer even remotely appealing...

of course, there will be times when i do, and that's fine...

so, now, it's bed and hopefully a good nights sleep!

bonsoir x

3 days...

really? it's only been 3 days since i posted, seems like a week! or more...

sooooo much has happened, or maybe it's just that my lack of sleep makes it feel that way

seriously, my sleep pattern is fucked...i don't ever remember it being so bad...i have the 2nd new pillow (turns out first one wasn't manufactured properly!), and i don't love it...sure, it helps the neck but it doesn't make going to bed a pleasant experience...

then there's the 'ticky ticky' head to quote my friend Kirst...that's kinda been ongoing but i hope will settle down now my new job is official and announced...

so, let's hope the next 3 days goes by with a bit more sleep and a bit less 'stuff' packed in!

nite x

annoyed...

and drunk, but mainly annoyed....see in my drunken state I had to abandon my car and catch a cab home...which you wouldn't think would be so bad...

right?

but it wasn't good...idiot driver who had no ID card, couldn't keep to the lane he was in, was furiously throwing down red bull but mostly I just observed how uncomfortable I was...like I was on high alert...ready to go into battle...

and then it hit me...because of what Chris did, and my lack of trust in men I don't know (which in itself is weird coz I knew him??) I can't even get a bloody cab without being reminded of it...

fucking nightmare...

anyway, home safe, drunk and Berdie is safe in a garage in Milson's Point!!

guess my walk tomorrow will be to Milson's Point!!!

nite

is going to hong kong...

yay! so finally, after a 3.5 month wait, i got my official letter of offer today...will read, sign, send back and i start my new job on 18th july...

so decided (spur of the moment like) that i'm going to hong kong! yep, done some research tonight on flight and hotel prices and reckon i can get up there without too much damage - of course, once i'm there, there will undoubtedly be LOTS of damage, but you get that...

yippee...hong kong here i come!

more later

nite xx

ps go new south wales! great win, jamie soward great pass - so glad you waited your time to make your origin debut - i love having you in the team :-)

seemed

so important a few days ago...to cut someone off, to unfriend them...

but a few days on doesn't seem quite so important after all

the hold on me is gone...not forgotten but gone!! yay...freedom

more to follow when I am not so knackered!

nite

seems in this case...

i am good at grey...usually, or historically, i have been reasonably black and white in my thinking about certain things - it's either one way, or the other, but today i decided to go with the flow and i think it may have been a valuable lesson...

soo after yesterday's posts (epiphany and bugged) of course i had to decide if i would communicate with him...we had a few texts, he called this morning and i told him i wasn't sure i wanted ongoing communication with him...

amazingly i think he gets it and he was (first time ever) not inappropriate in any way...asked about the job, congratulated me, showed genuine interest in understanding what i'd be doing etc etc...

and it struck me this afternoon sometime, that it may (and i say may because i am not decided yet) be ok to consider a friendship with him...as long as i don't think of it as anything else...

so, being able to separate the previously held fantasy (which as i said isn't dead but is certainly dying and has definitely no longer got a hold over me) from the current reality, might make it feasible to be friends...

i'm not sure how i feel about that and so i'm just sitting with it...staying grey, as it were...

hmmmm, but of course, that means, for now at least, there will be no unfriending on FB or otherwise!

ps i still think his timing is uncanny, but perhaps i'm creating that cosmic energy that makes him make contact when i'm trying to cut it off...??

is it possible i've been bugged?

really, is it? that's the only plausible explanation for what happened today...

so as you know i have struggled with eradicating a certain someone from my life...the last few weeks i have felt as though i have done it and pretty well...sure the odd lapse back into fantasy land has punctuated and otherwise chris free few weeks....

so today (refer previous post on my epiphany) i finally feel ready to cut all contact...the realisation was a big one and as i walked (in the freezing cold) from therapist to train station i started to feel really good about it all...and even contemplated the 'unfriending' whilst on train (couldn't go thru with it, alas, but it will come)...

so imagine my surprise when i'm in a meeting and i see his number flash up...and then i realise it's not a text, he's actually calling me...

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

so i don't answer (obviously) but it throws me...talking about him and it earlier and then to see his number, it really does throw me and noticing he hasn't left a vm i find myself sending a text asking if he called me...he says he tried, i tell him i'm in meetings all afternoon, and he says did you take that job?

weird...not only a weird conversation - no doubt he's calling because i didn't respond to his text of saturday night but also i wonder if it's possible that in some cosmic way, he could know about my earlier realisation - is it possible in some bizarre and completely 'out there' (i know i know you think i'm insane) way, is it possible the universe wants us to have something of an ongoing relationship?

this can't be possible...can it?

so my only other thought is that he has me bugged and so just when i'm getting ready to leave him and our history behind, he makes contact...

bloody nightmare! whether it's the universe, the cosmos or a bug i don't care...but it's making it hard...not hard enough that i won't eventually prevail (no way) but hard...and confusing...

hmmmm

epiphany

mmm so today's therapy was great, usually is!

in the midst of talking about my willpower, and my superior negotiating skills and the inevitable flow on conversations that lead to...I had a big realization....

see the 13 year old girl inside believed that staying in touch with Chris might in some way negate what happened and that by being in touch I might eventually feel that him and I were on a level playing field...that I might regain some of my power

but no, seems I finally realized that NO matter what, that can never be..that particular ending just isn't possible...

and you know what? I am sad but I am also relieved...

wow, maybe I needed to have this realization, this epiphany so that ultimately ceasing all contact with him will seem like the right thing to do??

it's been an amazing few days...wonder what's next??

until next time...

distracted since...

that text came in...

not distracted enough to reply or start writing the reply in my head...actually, ended up deleting it! i didn't want to be reminded of it every time i read texts from other people so figured it was the best way...and not like it said anything meaningful...how are you i've been too busy to call how are the eyes can you see?

so really what is there to say to that? of course, maybe quite a bit if it was a real friend...but he's not...

actually, it's pretty sad that i even let myself entertain the idea that we could be friends, although i know why i did this, and worse, that i entertained having an affair with him...admittedly i was bored, and in need of some good sex, and he's hot (well i think he's hot...physically only)...

i reflect on the last 6 months and realise just how much i have learnt! about myself, about relationships, about how enormously impactful the actions of a 13 year old boy can be on a 13 year old girl, even 30 odd years later...sad sad sad

anyway, i'm not actually sad today, just a little bit distracted...

of course, i have now changed my walking routine so that i don't have to go past the building with the name on it that reminds me of him (sadly there are 2 of these and so, only 1 can be cut out of my routine for the time being until i identify another option) but today i found myself thinking about him a fair bit...

and what was i thinking about? well, i can't remember the specifics to be honest, but it wasn't with the same 'pull' as was there previously...sure, a part of me thought if i ignore him for long enough he'll turn up to see if i'm alive, but who am i kidding? he's a narcissist and so if he doesn't get what he wants, he'll just find someone else who can give it to him...

i would be lying too if thinking about him didn't bring up the old 'fantasy'...yeah, you know, the one where he and i end up together (what utter bollocks that is...really...must have been delusional when i came up with that one!)

silly me!

so, i'm going to go to bed now, after a lovely day with friends, a gorgeous walk in the winter sun and watching my Blue boys give it to Port (eventually!) and i'm going to take Jasper Jones with me, that way i can be distracted in an entirely different way!

nite x

fuck....

really, that's all i can say...

so following my evening with my lovely friend Annie last night, where i recounted the story with you know who....basically we were lamenting the fact that it had been 5 months since we have caught up (really, can time go that quickly?), i was feeling really good...

i am still feeling good, and i had the loveliest day! i enjoyed my walk in the sun and went a way i hadn't previously been and stumbled across a park that i didn't even know existed....and i have lived here over 7 years! oops...

as i was making my way home though i realised how happy i was, and how grateful for where i live, where my life is at right now...you know those moments where you wouldn't change a thing? yep, well i had one of those...even after the bizarre dream where you know who had sent me a text...even after spending a bit of time last night thinking about him...

and now, just as i'm about to sit down and do some work, a text comes in.....from him!

and it's funny because i'm not surprised to see his number, but i don't know what to do...

reply or ignore?

and of course i am left wondering 2 things:

firstly, should i have SHUT the door entirely? and secondly, why is it that the very minute i feel happy, he seems to re-appear? it's as if he knows, as if he has some inside knowledge??

sooo, i'm thinking for now, at least, i'm just going to ignore it...wonder how long i'll be able to do that???

on another note, feeling very very good about the other 'conversation' i need to have...i finally feel as though my capable 42 year old is ready to go into bat on my behalf, and not the 5 year old child who feels the need to prove herself! yay...now let's see where that ends up :-)

nite....dinner, footy and possibly tennis watching for me tonight xx

dreaming...

i had a very strange dream just before I woke up this morning...actually, not entirely true as I had woken up hours earlier so it was one of those dreams, you know, those vivid whacky ones you have when you go back to sleep?

and even though I say it's strange, it's not...

so in the dream Chris had sent me a long long text...that is strange as he tended towards brevity!

and I guess the last few weeks as I have adjusted to no contact with him I've found myself thinking about him less and less, but Facebook, and the fact that we are fb friends, means it's difficult not to be reminded of him...perhaps too frequently!

I am tossing up whether to unfriend him and some part of me thinks that's too final and wondering what that would mean....but then is removing him from a list on a website he hardly ever uses really anything??

so, the dream, of course I didn't get to
read the text before I woke up...

how bloody annoying....wonder what it would have said??

alsonot that strange that he featured in my dream last night...I had dinner with a girlfriend who I hadn't seen since my birthday and so we had a lot to catch up on...sadly in retelling her my last 5 months, I realize just how much time and energy he cost me and how much emotional upheaval he caused :-(

but, no more!!

still, I'm wondering what the text message said...!

getting closer

to an outcome...

the 'dreaded' conversation about salary was today...

went as expected which equates to the offer did not meet my expectations!!

quite a long way short which sent me into a spin...

then had a great therapy session and a great chat with colleague...both convinced me to hold out for what I believe I am worth!

soooo here we go!!

nite x