how could i have been so wrong about him?
so friday he sends a msg saying i apologise and will make it up to you...today i get 'so?'....i go back with 'so what?' assuming that his apology was genuine so believing (obviously mistakenly, that the ball is in his court...that he needs to make amends)....and eventually he says (and i quote): 'i'm not trying to make it up to u...reality check more like'....
fuck, how could i have been so gullible, how could i have taken his word, how have i spent so long thinking i wanted to have some sort of relationship with him, even though the sort of relationship was never clear?
fuck, seriously, how could i have been so stupid, so blind, all in the hope of clinging onto a childhood fantasy!
how frightening that i have allowed this to happen...yep, the mature thing to do is to acknowledge my role in all of this...seriously, how have i managed to do this?
so as i sit here somewhat shell shocked (and i am, honestly, i can't describe it any other way) and try and work through my feelings (they are confusing, so consequently i can't articulate where i am at) i am struck by how brutal he has been....and how could i not have seen that before now?
sure, he wouldn't have wanted me to see it when he thought he might get me into bed so maybe i just fell right into his little trap, his game...but now, seems a horrible streak (which admittedly i have seen once before) has emerged....
so i was wrong...it's true, i was, despite me wishing it might be otherwise, despite me clinging onto the dream of another time...
i was wrong, so very very wrong :-(
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