- i'm over thinking things
- not feeling confident to make this decision
- really afraid i will do it and then fail
- really afraid if i don't do it that there will be some undesirable financial consequences
- a bit worried another job might not present itself (got a knock back this morning for an OD job - admittedly i have NO OD experience...)
- wish i had someone in my life (you know, relationship wise, not just my amazing friends)
- and wondering too how amazing the universe is to provide a client who is going through almost the very same thing as i am...hmmmm, i find that weird and yet comforting
taking redundancy! sure, right now it would be easy to say that as the biz ain't going so well financially, doing it was the wrong thing - but nah, i don't believe that for one second! it has been an amazing few years and one where i have learnt a lot about myself and taken some chance - also one where i have done some GREAT work with clients
breaking up with Ben...again, nope! it was, without a doubt, the most difficult decision i think i have ever had to make...i loved him with my heart and soul (additionally i felt some responsibility for his happiness - that probably wouldn't stick now...love therapy, love learning about self) and yet i knew it just wasn't good for me to be in that relationship with him...and now, some 16 months later (well, it will be on Thursday) i feel good about that decision - actually i felt good about it from pretty soon afterwards even though the phase of adjusting to life without him took some time...
funny, coz with Benny it took me AGES to implement (big corporate word that, but appropriate) the decision - the decision i had been mulling on for months, the decision that prevented me from sleeping most nights, the decision that in the end, made me sick....but it has worked out ok...i wonder too if, even though i didn't want to break up with him (my preference would have been for him to come to the party in the relationship), i have made this decision work for me...and now, i look back, i know it was the right one...and sure, when i'm feeling lonely or sad or wishing i had someone to talk this decision over with, i think 'mmm be nice to have him around'... but that isn't actually true - he often wasn't here for me during those decision making times and he certainly wasn't around for the decision to break up with him...nope, did that one all on my own...interestingly, didn't talk to any friends, no family, not my therapist...most unlike me!
so maybe i can learn something from the decisions that have gone before this one, and really, it wouldn't be forever - when is anything forever?
the single most difficult thing for me to get my head around is the lack of freedom and flexibility that taking this job will mean giving up - almost certainly...and i hate feeling trapped...more so since Ben and I broke up - this is something i have really observed about myself...
soooo i'm not entirely sure what's driving my mood tonight, or my ridiculous cravings for anything bad (had 2 scoops of ice cream today and then 6 choc chip biscuits....) or this fear that i'm going to fail...
but there you have it, that's how it is on this monday night....
nite x
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