i'm busy...

yep, it's an expression that somehow makes me feel awful...

i woke up with a start this morning...i often do when i have a lot on my mind...and in addition to waking up with a start i had a headache (same one from last night), a sore throat and generally felt awful...not just physically! i woke up sure that he would have made contact, but no...

sooo i'm disappointed, despite not being surprised - as IF he's going to make time to get in contact now that i am no longer some little thing he can just 'play' with...why would i be so naive?

of course, if he is true to form, he will eventually make contact and tell me he's been busy...so i observed my thoughts and feelings when i started to think about this...then a friend i play an online game with, sent through a decline, and the feeling got worse...i went from disappointed to the bottom of some pit in a nano second...

good job i was already in observation mode, meaning, this quick slide did NOT go unnoticed :-(

hmmmm interesting! so when someone tells me they are busy, i have obviously made it into something about me and on a cellular level it is present...and man, i gotta tell you how bloody limiting that is, and how much i ride the wave of other people's lives...when really, just because they are busy, why should that impact me?

and yet it does....it always has! actually, that can't be true, there must be a time when it didn't, but of course i can't remember that...

so now i'm on a path to get to the bottom of this (this is one thing i love about self discovery, despite how challenging, and at times painful and confronting, it can be)...and to not let other people's busyness impact me....not gonna be easy, but where would be the fun in that?