fuck...

yep, fuck is about it! i am SOOOO very annoyed with myself (i know i know i should be kinder to myself - it's what i'm always telling my clients), but seriously, WTF?

so knowing that Chris isn't a frequent user of FB, i am surprised to see him on 'live chat' (you know, that box that comes up on the RHS when you log in telling you which of your friends is online)....and instead of just ignoring this, it's like an instinctive reaction (do i need reaction if i say instinctive? maybe not...) to send him a message...

so no sooner have i hit send and a text msg from him comes in asking if i've sent him a 'strange' message! i tell him no, wasn't strange, just that i thought it strange that he was on FB as i thought he didn't do FB...he tells me his son doesn't know me! and i sit here shaking my head until i realise he thinks i've sent his son an FB chat message (as if i would do such a thing)...i tell him i don't know his son (duh!)...and i'm well, thanks for asking (he really is such a self centred prick at times...not at times, pretty much always really - see next post about whacko dream he starred in last night)...

he then asks me how i am - i say great, can see etc etc - then he says (and i love this - actually i don't but you get what i mean?) 'i have a bone to pick with you...how come the restaurant choice was means tested last week?'...i have absolutely NO idea what he is on about and tell him that...he says why did he have to pay for dinner last week and that as a result of me suggesting he buy dinner for Mark (the other friend from the fateful evening) and I that Mark made him pay for everything all night....so i'm wondering (as you would) why he doesn't pick that bone with Mark coz really, it has NOTHING to do with me...

but i wonder if my lack of interest in this conversation (he will be noticing a distinct change in my tone from previous 'interactions') has made him feel he wants to go on with it...

so anyway, it's almost too boring to recount the rest of the conversation which as usual ended abruptly, no doubt he got caught up in his 'other life'....but the gist of it was that 'he thinks i owe him'....can you believe that? i owe him? what a joke....it must be fabulous to be him! to be so naive about the impact you have on others, to be so unaware of the audacity of that statement...

but really, the 'fuck' title of this post is more about me and my own disappointment - and it is disappointment! only 24 hours on from recounting my 'ending' with him to Sal (my therapist) and i find myself compelled to make contact when i saw his name come up on FB...

so, should i unfriend him? of course that will eliminate him from my friend list, but really, is it going to actually make a difference?

i was (and am, actually) soo resolved last week so i guess it took me by surprise..but the good thing is that, despite this, i didn't feel the same pull i had previously...a vague passing interest perhaps, but that's it...

of course, i guess he was front of mind today, not only because i recounted the story to Sal yesterday, but then also because he starred in my dream last night...so i had been contemplating the whole thing today, and i remain VERY happy with the decision and i KNOW it's the right one...but hey, occasionally nostalgia creeps in...

anyway, the good news is this: i didn't feel really that inclined to converse with him, i no longer try and see the good in anything he says (coz frankly, from where i'm standing, there ain't any good)....and so perhaps i will be kind to myself and simply see it as a little blip...

nothing major, nothing really worthy of talking about...a blip...