enjoyin' the ride...

yep, today has been a bit of a ride...so much to do in an attempt to prepare for my few days off...

i'm having my eyes lasered in less than 12 hours! fuck! excited, nervous, wondering if i'll be happy, wondering if when it's done i'll wonder why i didn't do it years ago (my best friend, Sara, who's had it done, reckons that's exactly how i'll feel)...

been a funny old day emotionally too...seems that the decision on tuesday night, executed (in part) yesterday has been at the forefront of my mind, but not in the way 'he' was previously in my mind...

no pull, no sexual undertow, no feelings of what if...just a realisation that it's over, and i can move on with my life...

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't sad, coz a part of me is, but i'm not sure what for exactly...and certainly i'm grieving but i wonder if i'm actually just missing the excitement and the drama, and whether that lack of attention is what i think i'm grieving, rather than the loss of him or the fantasy i had built him into?

dunno really...but what i do know is this: firstly, i think i'm happy not to have had to use my pre meditated script on him via text (it was 'go fuck with someone else's head, i'm done'...see it's not really me to do things like that, and that should be a sign in itself...that i felt compelled to talk like that to him says a lot about the 'relationship' with him and the sort of person i became around him...

secondly, i do feel freer and happier since having made the decision...of course, it begs the question 'why the fuck did it take soooo long?' but hey, everything takes time and sometimes what appears obvious to everyone else, is not always so clear to us...being inside of something or at least 'in it' is very different to looking in from a far...

but now, i feel as though perhaps, i too, am looking at it all with some distance, and aren't i lovin' that?

sooo today has had it's ups and downs...mainly ups! and now as i prepare to go to bed i feel pretty good...

next post: how to change a bad experience into a great one! yep, it's true - i heard, unofficially, that i blitzed the psychometric assessment...you know, the one i was soooooo worried about...

more on that later...

nite xx