chasing disappointment...

so in fact, the title of this post was a combination of the two themes i wanted to write about today, and then as i was typing it, i realised that keeping my hope of Chris alive is actually just that....chasing disappointment!

funny sometimes how that happens!

so chasing was referring to the 3rd episode of Being Erica where the thing that struck me most was her therapist saying (about her) 'chasing her past, she stumbles into her future'...and oh how i want that to be true for me...not necessarily with Chris, but seems right now, i AM chasing the past with him...

and then there was the disappointment of his hollow words...yep, should have known better than to expect him to follow thru...last words from him were 'can we chat monday? i'm sorry if i hurt your feelings, i will make it up to u'....

interesting that the disappointment hasn't been so bad...coz in fact, when you EXPECT someone to not follow through, it really isn't as disappointing as expecting them to and then realising they won't...

this, at least, is familiar territory with him...he so rarely does what he says he will do that i've come to not rely on it...wish it were so yes, but expect it...nah

so as i ponder my emotional state this evening (fragile, prone to tears, a sense of endings and new beginnings all rolled into one) it occurs to me that since the day he turned up i have been chasing disappointment...

coz seriously, where else can this go? he's married, he hurt me, he doesn't care about me the way i want to be cared about (as a friend or anything else), he's not a good friend, he's arrogant, he has all these platitudes and 'lines' that i'm sure impress some people, but i see right through them and as i hear them over and over they make me just want to scream, he's a narcissist (or maybe he's just terribly insecure and this is the front?), either way, i don't really like it...and worse, there's the way i feel when i'm with him...drawn into this sexual thing and desperate for his approval, desperate for him to tell me that he loves me...and yet, even if he did, it changes NOTHING....

sooo this chasing disappointment is getting old, it's boring, it's getting in my way....and it's getting me nowhere closer to where i want to be...simply put, it's disappointing...