being sarah...

is bloody hard some days...

soo it's been a roller coaster few days...and following the recommendation from one of my dearest friends, I sourced Seasons 1 & 2 of Being Erica...funny, as she was describing it to me, she gasped and said 'OMG she's kinda like you...'

needed no further introduction, so a coupla phone calls yesterday and i found both seasons in the same store, and picked them up today...

funny, i love shows that talk to me! that seem just right for where i am at in my life (SATC, Eli Stone are probably 2 of the most notable)...and this seems no different...

the first episode made me cry - a comment her therapist made at the end 'other people's opinions are always going to matter, they just don't matter as much as your own' really made me think...it's true, as i eluded to in an earlier post, i have spent the large majority of my life worrying about other people think about me, and not factoring what i think into the equation...time for that to change methinks...

the second episode also made me cry (i'm emotional tonight, that's true, but then again, every episode of Eli Stone made me cry) but again got me to thinking...comment I can most relate to is 'the path you are on, the choices you make, define who you are'...

interestingly, i am faced with a whole stack of choices right now and some of them are clearer than others...the thing that saddens me is that what he did to me was not my choice and no matter how much i believe everything happens for a reason, i can't find a reason for that to have been my destiny...i just can't...so sure, some of you will say that i had a choice about how i dealt with it, but that isn't entirely true either...sad thing is i buried the memory of what happened between us for 25 years because it was too painful...so in fact, sure i may have a choice now, but it's pretty bloody hard to find out something 25 years after the event, and find a way to weave that into your life and sense of self...

truth of it is, i don't think i've done that yet, and perhaps that's why he had to show up...perhaps that's why i'm still trying to work through it all...and perhaps that's why my fantasy about him (which has been present for 30 years) seems to much more real to me...

ah fuck, i wonder when this will get easier...