48 hours...

wow, seems like a lot longer than 48 hours since the last post, but then again...

but no, it has actually only been 48 hours! seems like so much has happened and yet, really, nothing has happened at all...

2 very sleepless nights at my parents house - funny, seems that of late, i just don't sleep that well there, whereas in times gone by i found it very comforting to go to what i used to refer to as 'home'...no longer feel that way i guess, and my little house, with all of it's mess and my stuff, is home...the harbour bridge feels like home...yep, still love it after nearly 20 years...

i found myself tossing and turning about this bloody job - and i guess in coming days i'm going to try and bring a new approach, a different perspective to it...seems that the longer it goes on, the more difficult the decision feels, but the reality is, in the 2 months or more since i was verbally offered it, nothing has really changed...

what i have observed is my roller coaster of emotions and feelings towards it - oscillating between 'yep, it's a great job and i really want it' to 'do i really want to give up what i have now' to 'should i just take it?' to 'i really don't want to schlep to the airport every day' to 'is she the sort of boss i'm going to want to work for?'...fuck, so many questions...

honestly, if she'd asked me and given me a coupla days, i reckon the 'NF' (MBTI) in me would NOT have gone into the spiral of decision making! typically i use my gut for big decisions although historically it seems i have been swayed by what i think others expect of me, and i'd be lying if i said there wasn't a wee bit of that here...but honestly, i am torn...

i actually have NO idea what i want to do - actually, that's not true, as i write this i know EXACTLY what i want to be doing (a full time coaching/team building/counselling business) but right now it just doesn't seem possible...

sooo you might ask 'what have i done to move closer to that?' and honestly, the answer is 'probably not as much as i should'....but there is what i can do and control and then there is the economy, the desire (or otherwise) of companies/people to follow through on what they say they will do etc...

and frankly, i can do my bit, but i can't make others do theirs - and not that i'd want to, but of course, it might mean a different reality for me...

so actually I DO know what i want to do, but right now i don't think that is gonna pay my mortgage...one other thing that has come to light in recent times (i.e. as i've been faced with this decision) is my long term financial future, which until about 2 months ago i had (gasp) given absolutely NO thought to - fuck, how is that possible? i worked in finance for nearly 20 years and know more about this stuff than most...but no, head in sand, i did nothing at all...no planning and certainly when i took the cheque and some shares from the former employer a coupla years ago, i had given NO thought whatsoever to the longer term picture...

hmmmm....guess i've learned that lesson the hard way! well, thankfully, not that hard, as this job, or some other job could in fact mean that the lesson hasn't been that hard after all (thank you universe)...

sooo i'm tired, it's been a tough few days thinking about stuff and i noticed the lack of interest of either of my parents to pursue the conversation with me further - guess in their minds, they've had their say and now just think i should move into action - kinda scary really just how different i am to them, and how unempathic i sometimes find them...

oh well, in another 48 hours, who knows what things will look like...

nite xx

ps also it's been a while since i had contact with a certain someone (actually 2 certain someones) and i feel kinda lonely tonight...probably just tired, but yeah, definitely a bit of loneliness present...:-(