where am I?

yep, funny title but kinda apt given where i actually am and where 'i' am in the decisions i seem to be making with Chris...which at times don't feel like conscious ones, but ones i am pulled into...kinda like the decisions of someone addicted to alcohol...

had a very good chat with therapist on thursday about this very thing...i must have been recounting some of the Chris saga to her and she said to me 'where are you in these decisions?'...meaning that i seem to lose myself and put others first (that isn't new but it's becoming increasingly visible to me)...

mmm and it's kinda sad :-( sad that because of a number of things (my upbringing, the event with him, subsequent dysfunctional relationships, and of course, my own lack of awareness around it) i often just find myself making decisions without me in them...and then wishing i hadn't....

that's gotta stop...especially with him, especially when what he represents is a fantasy and a fantasy only - he CAN'T be anything else and even if he could would i truly want him to be?

see the thing is: i'm addicted to him, to the idea of him, to the idea of this fantasy with him and all of that, along with the chemistry is not helping me to be present in my decisions around him...

so now that i have got this into conscious awareness, i'm wondering if there is a 'CSFA' (childhood sweetheart fantasy anonymous) group i could go to?? :-)

so perhaps the question isn't where am i but where am i gonna be next time i make a decision about him?