urges...

mmmm yep, have woken up this morning after the best nights sleep i've had in well over a week (yay!) and have this overwhelming urge to send him a text...

not gonna do it! not....

but i wanted to acknowledge it, coz pretending we aren't feeling something when we are, well that's just no way to move forward...

so i'm observing the urge, and trying to work out what is driving it? what is it that i would want from sending a text? and is that what i actually want? or is it simply the old pattern trying to creep back in??

i had a great crystal healing session yesterday and Bec (my healer) made some fantastic observations about the whole thing with Chris...firstly, she said (and I have previously thought this but not so eloquently as she put it) that in doing what he did, he took away my intimacy and so consequently that's why i look to sex for intimacy with men...interesting

then she said 'and you hate yourself for wanting him'....yep, absolutely true! i have beaten myself up since the day he turned up about this very thing - sometimes the voices in my head feel like they are screaming 'HOW CAN YOU WANT A MAN WHO DID WHAT HE DID?'....it's so nice to have her perspective on it all, and she told me that no matter what i do, or want to do, i have to trust myself that it will be right....for me :-)

sometimes you just have to believe in what you can't see - you do....on the other hand, sometimes you have to see what is right in front of you and realise that it isn't....

so, perhaps the urges will abate as i get on with my busy day...

perhaps