to say it's complicated...

is an understatement...futile might be more appropriate, or in his words 'it's fucked'...

yep, as a result of today's events and our very open and honest conversation, we find ourselves in a difficult situation...not the first time two people will have found themselves there, but the first time 'we' have found ourselves there...and honestly, given everything that has gone before this, i am surprised...

for the first time since he re-appeared in november we had a very candid and adult conversation...one where he showed me that he had considered things from my perspective...this was a big surprise to me (not an unwelcome one) and whilst i am relieved that the person of my childhood dreams turns out to be someone i might like (previously having misjudged or perhaps, that's being unkind to me...because until today, he hasn't actually shown me his capacity for compassion and kindness)...of course seeing this side of him, a side i really really like, makes it harder in some ways, and easier in others...as he said 'it's easier to hate me if i'm a cock'...ain't that the truth


one thing i had been thinking about in recent months was how to get him out of my life, but you know, it's been so hard to do that and i think (newsflash!) that i just haven't wanted to, and even though some of that was driven by my fear around not knowing how to be if i said goodbye to him, and consequently saying goodbye to a part of myself, another part was the fear of how i would feel if i no longer had any contact with him (not that it has to be that black and white, but of course it does!), and yet i still couldn't do it...

so even though it's been difficult to try and land on what it is that i want, both with him and from him and there have been times when i have enjoyed his silence, making it even more confusing...the question i am left pondering is this: how can you say goodbye to the person you think you are going to be with? (and sure this is partly the fantasy from childhood, but i'm wondering if a part of my 42 year old self is now starting to entertain this little pipedream??)

so the honest answer is, i haven't come up with an answer, which might explain why i told him today that i didn't want to say goodbye to him...and as i write this post i am reminded of the ending of a classic (Charles Dicken's Great Expectations) when Pip says "I took her hand in mine, and we went out of the ruined place; and, as the morning mists had risen long ago when I first left the forge, so, the evening mists were rising now, and in all the broad expanse of tranquil light they showed to me, I saw no shadow of another parting from her"...well i see no parting between us either, even though i am unsure of what might unfold between us, i either don't see or don't want to see a parting...the single most uncomplicated thing to happen today was the validation i got from him...see, we've had a lot of conversations, some platonic and others decidely not, and i guess i started to believe that he would only be interested in maintaining communication with me if i were to sleep with him...and this is a familiar feeling - a pattern that all started with him and what happened between us, and one that has absolutely undermined who i am and what i want in so many relationships...so i'm not sure if it's ironic or just some kind of universal power at play, but it seems right that he was the only person on the planet who could actually provide that validation for me...god knows i've tried hard enough to do it for myself...




but as i started to explain all of this to him, it was clear that i had got it very very wrong...he likes me, he wants me (we were able to discuss our physical attraction/chemistry quite openly) and he does not see me as any sort of conquest...and in that, and with the other stuff we talked about, it made me realise that i had made him into this monster...and what i got instead, was a validation...validation from someone who does care about me, who does like me and now finds himself in a 'tough' situation, one he hasn't been in before...

so with his validation, and what he told me, and me being able to be honest (read as vulnerable) with him about my fears, it seems that the pattern of my past may no longer be real, it may no longer have a voice and maybe just maybe his validation heralds the likely farewell to a certain someone and the closing of a chapter of my life that has haunted me and made relationships such a big challenge...

the scary thing about this only a few days ago, was my fear about who i might be, or become if i didn't have him, or that 13 year old girl in my life...but now, it just feels like a huge relief and the opening of many many doors...ah liberation!

sooo what next? who knows...what i do know is that, i think, we are both now very much on the same page...about how complicated it is, about how futile (my word) it might be....what i'd like to do is try and not think ahead...simply be in the moment with him when the opportunity arises to be so...


wonder how that will go!