sleepless nights...

yep, had one lastnight, and all because my mind was ticking over with the options...

it seems that my pattern in relationships stems from what happened with him, and yet, i find myself drawn into the same pattern with him...is there some irony in that? or is the universe providing me with a message that is so obvious (although it's taken me a while to get it...not as long as this post might indicate, but i've resisted writing about it here) that even for me, it would be difficult to overlook it?

i already know the answer of course which is why i didn't sleep and most definitely the reason why i have lost my appetite a bit (not entirely!), and why my stomach is in knots...

and yet, i am torn...hence the ticking over in my mind...

the pattern is not a good one (otherwise, i wouldn't need to give it up, right?)....no, the pattern is decidely not good...and interestingly Ben is probably one of the very very few men where i didn't feel the need to play this pattern....and yet, his re-appearance seems to re-ignite the pattern with an intensity that frightens me..
 
of course that's not surprising, since the pattern started with him...and maybe just maybe, it's gonna finish with him! i like the symmetry there...but of course, i have to find a way to finish it...and i am struggling

the answer is clear. crystal clear. staring me in the face...

and yet...

soooo universe, today i'm asking for strength....

ps i had an interesting thought pop into my head yesterday, but until i make the blog private, would prefer not to air it here...i think it would make an interesting research topic!