sigh...

yep, that's kinda how i feel today? had plans for a sleep in, but was awoken by heavy rain at 5.34am and didn't manage to get back to sleep, so by 8.15am i had done my walk, had breakfast, stripped bed and put a load of washing on...

my god and i thought i was NOT a morning person :-(

i had a great session with my therapist - we really are doing some good work together right now...she is just perfect for where i find myself right now and i find our sessions not only useful, but supportive and hugely insightful (sometimes she comes up with the insight, sometimes i do, but either way they are proving very very insightful...)...

sadly today's entire session was about Chris - haven't had one of those for a while - actually quite a while, as there has been plenty of other stuff to talk about (job, choice, decisions, psychometric assessments, fear etc)...but nooooo, today was hijacked by Chris

and following on from my post of yesterday (realisations) i found myself feeling very very angry this morning...

yep, turns out that i am not only angry about his lack of care of me, but what i also realised is that his asking me to keep quiet makes me feel like i am not important, that i am gagged in some way and that is just not where i want to be...

i have spent the large majority of my life feeling the need to be obedient, be the good girl and not to talk up and no more...

added to which, it means i can't share my experience of him with others if i am not allowed to talk about it...and that is just plain wrong..

how can he ask me this? sure, he can ask me to be discreet (there is a big difference between saying 'yes i've seen Chris a coupla times' and 'sure we've seen each other, had phone sex and are contemplating an affair together'...which we aren't, well I am not...) but should i even consider having to lie to cover his tracks...i think not...

sooo i'm angry with him, all over again, having thought that had abated, and i guess it had in some ways....the initial anger was more about what he had done and his apparent trivialisation (is that a word?) of it all and how it must have impacted me...

so now it's getting really hard for me to maintain that part of me that desperately wants a different ending with him...you know, the ending where we end up together? which my crystal healer thinks has something to do with me holding onto a notion of reclaiming the intimacy between us....meaning, that i believe (on some level) that being intimate with him now with heal my dysfunctional beliefs about intimacy that started when he did what he did...

makes some sense i guess and it resonates with me - coz i do think (even though i'm probably wrong) that creating some intimacy with him now, may in fact, heal what happened all those years ago...

so my mood has largely reflected the gloomy and wet day here today....acupuncture soon and then a decision as to whether to join Mark and him for a drink...

not such a big decision really....it's wet, it's cold and the heater is on at home, also good tv night...on the other hand, i'm in my new skintight jeans, looking fabulous, hair blow dried and so i would like to show off in front of him....but to what end?  exactly, to what end indeed?

soooo i'm going to have my tea and just observe my thoughts for a while...

see ya