saying goodbye to him

means saying goodbye to that 13 year old girl...the one who's been with me for 29 years, and let me tell you: that is scary...

there's a big part of me that is ready to say goodbye to her, but there is also a part of me that wonders what will be left if she's not there? who i will become if her voice is silenced, and what that might mean for me?

it's scary...to think about letting go of a part of yourself that has been present for sooooo long even though you are now very clear that she's not helping...in fact, she's probably holding you back from finding what it is you really want (and deserve)...

and yet, she's hanging on! like grim death, she won't let go, not yet anyway...

and i wonder, honestly i do, what it is that will be the straw that breaks the camels back...WHAT will make her go away and never come back??

so as i get ready for an early night (big client meeting tomorrow morning, followed by a 'tea' date with him...if it goes ahead) i suspect my thoughts will wander to just how i reach this state....

i know she must be silenced, but perhaps, first, before she can be silenced, she has to be heard...and maybe, that's what is going on with me and him right now...i'm actually allowing myself to listen to her and let her make some of the decisions (albeit probably not very sound ones)....

maybe that's it...

what i really don't want is for her to make one decision (one that i almost certainly would not make) and then to find myself picking up the pieces or regretting it...so knowing which decisions to let her make is kind of tricky....

sigh