realisations...

usually i love realisations! it's true, i consider them (mostly) to be like precious gems...and sometimes the deeper we dig, the better the realisation (hence my likening them to gems...)

but today's was probably a bit too real for my liking (i'm a dreamer remember, and a romantic, so i don't like anything too confronting or that makes me question my judgement)...

but today, i realised that he actually doesn't give a fuck about me...and it's not like he did anything in particular today, but i just got to thinking, that for the first time yesterday, i asked him for something (some of his time so i could see him)...

and he can't even do that...can't even find time to make time for me...

yep, it's pretty clear really...hit me like a bolt of lightning, like a sharp smack to the back of the head.....he doesn't care :-(

not really...and sure, he says he does, and if i mention this he'll come up with some 'excuse' or 'reason' (his usual: i'm busy, my life is busy etc etc)...but really, if he cared about me then he would make time...

he would....wouldn't he?

yep, he would....so my realisation of today is that he actually doesn't care....

it's gonna be hard to go back for more now...i mean, why would i? even as i'm typing this i'm shaking my head in disbelief...

he doesn't care....it hurts, sure it does, but perhaps it's what i need to be able to let him go...