on the countdown....

to 700 posts, and if i am brave and go through with it, an impending farewell...

and even as i contemplate that i feel sick and sad and a little bit worried that i won't be able to go through with it...but i can see no other way...seems we are incapable of being friends, even though it might seem like a good idea, i can't let myself have an affair with him, and even though there is an ever growing sexual attraction between us, i can't just sleep with him (or be a friend with benefit as he puts it!)...so where does that leave us?

i really don't like goodbyes....they feel so final, so permanent, so unchangeable, and honestly, i'm not sure what i would want to change the situation from (post the goodbye) but even so, i'm not sure i want to go through with it...i will, in time, because the uncertainty and the in between, even now, is making me lose myself...

well, that's not entirely true....what i would really like to do is to have a different ending with him, so of course in this different ending, perhaps we are together, or perhaps what happened between us all those years ago, didn't happen, but of course, one of them is actually impossible and the other is just improbable...

feel like i'm barking up the wrong tree - and not for the first time :-(