i'm sticking with dreamer

just so as not to add to the emotional turmoil i find myself in...but seriously, what am i thinking? where i am honestly thinking this could go?

i'll tell you...like i told him, in a moment of absolutely clarity on tuesday afternoon, i always thought we would be together...doesn't mean it's what i want necessarily (and when i consider all aspects of him, at least those i have seen i'm certain it's not...and yet) but it's what i have always thought would happen

and sure this started when i was probably 11 or 12 or 13 years olds, and wasnt' grounded in anything other than the musings of a young girl about her then best friend, but it feels as though it's become real and been given a life of it's own...especially now that he is here (when he was 12,000 miles away and we weren't in touch it didn't have any oxygen)...and in light of something he said about knowing i was here when he chose Sydney...

but really, where could it go? it could only end badly and there is an almost certain outcome where i get hurt...where my life gets put on hold to be 'the other woman' in his life, where i still end up going to movies, on holidays, for weekends away ON MY OWN....where our relationship would all happen behind closed doors and consequently be clandestine and none of that feels right...added to which i could never call him when i wanted to (if i was to be respectful of the fact that sometimes he will be at home...which i would be) and it would all be organised around him...shit! where would I be in all of this? same bloody place i am now...nowhere (thank god my therapist and i spend some time talking about this theme, which is not just present in relation to Chris)....

so the relief and happiness I experienced following his compassionate display on Tuesday has now largely been replaced with an almost abject despair....i know in my head what would be best for me, and yet the old self doubt and voices in the head emerge when i think about having to say goodbye to him...

what i really need to remember is that the validation that came with Tuesday's display quite possibly the ONLY real thing he will be able to give to me and it was a gift...one that i wasn't expecting and one that when i feel like i do right now i should remember...

of course i no longer feel like that, now i feel disappointed, angry with myself mainly for believing he could be different after a 2 hour stint of good behaviour, pissed with him for being such an inconsiderate selfish self centered prick who so rarely thinks of anyone but him self, and kinder towards the person in me who would have previously labeled myself an idiot....i'm sticking with dreamer, coz with everything that's gone between us, how could i not want a different ending with him? how could i not want to dream about it all turning out so very very differently?

enough sad, am sick of having the blog consumed with stuff about him...maybe time for a new dream!

happy Easter :-)