comments....

mmmm so in the spirit of openness and this being a public blog and all, i decided to publish the comment that came through this morning...

and sure, you may look at it and think yep, makes sense, this guy is dicking you around etc etc and he sounds like an arsehole (meaning someone who is not worthy of being in my life)...and i completely agree...

but you know what? it's actually more complicated than that and i guess, i am struggling enough with what to do, when to do it etc etc...then, to see the comment this morning i guess it made me question myself...and not in a good way

turns out i have struggled over the years to make decisions for myself - would seem as though the pressure of what i should do, or what everybody else expected me to do, weighed heavily in my decisions...leaving me and what i wanted, nowhere...

now i totally get that is in my control - sort of! i also know that our experiences shape us, not only our view of self, but how we behave...and for me, decision making and putting myself first have almost NEVER gone hand in hand...it's improving slowly, but like everything, it takes time...changing the patterns of a lifetime is not something you can do overnight (apparently...)

it is! with the help of good friends, my therapist, my own determination to understand and then change some of my faulty thinking...but it takes time...

sooo like everything the situation with Chris is going to take time to resolve, and right now, i don't want to feel the pressure of the people in my life to do it because they are bored of hearing me talk about it, of listening to my struggle or because they know that he is no good for me and i should know better...

well, maybe i should, but nobody but me TRULY understands my relationship with him...with all the various elements and layers...nope, only i understand that, and honestly, some days even i don't feel as though i do yet, and therein may be the reason why i cannot yet say goodbye to him...even though of course, like you (whoever you are), i agree he is no good for me...

i get on so many levels that having him in my life is not good, but i wholeheartedly believe that he turned up for a reason...and whilst in my head i know that reason was so that i could work through some of the stuff that has been left unturned for so long, the stuff that is ultimately the barrier to me having the sort of relationship i want...it is a reason none the less, and i find myself drawn into wanting 'something' with him, whatever that is...i'm not even sure i'm sure...

but it's a process...

and i won't feel pressured into doing anything that isn't right for me, no matter how blindingly obvious it may look from the outside...

enough said!