anxious...

that's how i feel today after a call with the certain someone who might become my boss :-(

and it reminds me a bit of Ben who used to often say that he was experiencing anxiety, without really being able to pinpoint just what made him feel that way...and in recent months, i have noticed this about myself too, and whilst i won't say i'm alarmed (that would be too strong a description), i am a little concerned...

of course, i am in an interesting time right now, both personally and professionally, with a reasonable amount of uncertainty about what my 'work' future looks like...and on occasion, a bit too much time on my hands (not a good combination it would seem)...

but i feel anxious! perhaps it's because i answered her call even though i am technically on sick leave (having not gone to my other client coz i have a sinus infection)...wondering if i should have ignored it, especially since i told her i wouldn't be available until tomorrow morning...

maybe it's because i have spent a large chunk of the morning reading about psychometric assessments (although that, and the resulting practice tests i have done, have in fact, made me feel more confident about that)...despite me realising that my verbal reasoning is WAY better than my mathematical reasoning, and some of the difficult abstract stuff that they get IT types to do, well, i have NO idea how one would learn how to do them...

but overall, i'm ok with the results, and have identified some areas for improvement, which i have just under 2 weeks to resolve - all good :-)

so why then do i feel so anxious, and jumpy? sure i'm tired, sure i'm sick, but i felt ok before the phone call...so i think this one will be a matter of sitting with the feeling (groan), really tapping into the information i have about what might be driving this, and working out what it all means...

coz, the scary thing about it seemingly being connected to the phone call from my potential boss, is that, do i want to have this reaction every time i have to meet with her or see her?

of course, the answer is no, i don't! and honestly, this isn't typically how i feel after a meeting with her...so wonder what she has tapped into today that is making me feel anxious and maybe just a little bit of the 'not good enough'....

hmmmm